Another Story Of Loss Options

[Sara_1987]

Hello all, I just want to write down everything that has happened in the past 2 days. I'm hoping it will help ease the pain in some way, as a form of catharsis.


I lost my dearest cat Tsjip (weird name, I know, there's a story, but it is difficult to explain... I am Belgian and the name is a form of Dutch dialect) just 39 hours ago. She was the most wonderful cat. I had had her for 12 years, since she was a kitten. She was always a very healthy, active cat and even at 12 she was very playful. I have had her for HALF of my life (thus far) and I was always so scared something would happen to her (or my other 2 cats) and 2 days ago my fear became reality.

It was about midnight as I was getting ready for bed in the bathroom. I heard a strange meow and immediately knew something was wrong. I went out to look and saw Tsjip under a table, with her mouth wide open. At first I thought something was in her throat, so I checked but there was nothing. Then she walked a bit and she was dragging her back legs. After a couple steps she laid down on the floor. I panicked, started to cry and called my vet. I brought her there and he checked her. She was in shock and he thought she either had been hit on the back and had a shifted vertebrae or had gotten a hit to her head and had a concussion. He administered cortisone and something to calm her and she stayed there overnight.

I was worried sick and didn't sleep at all. In the morning he called and was very positive. The cortisone had shrunk down her brain again to normal size and she was walking fine. As I arrived to pick her up I was so happy, because she did indeed seem fine. The vet let her walk on the floor and she was walking normally and when I picked her up and petted her she was purring. I was so happy to see her healthy again. I took her home, but when I let her out of her basket she seemed very weak. She just walked a couple of steps and then went to lay down. She did eat and drink a bit (she also did this at the vet he told me) so I thought she was fine and just needed some time to recover. I kept a very close eye on her though.

That afternoon I noticed her breathing became quite rapid and shallow and her mouth was hanging open. I was very worried so I called the vet to ask if this was normal and if I should bring her in. He said that she was fine when he saw her (and she was indeed) and that it was best for her to recuperate at home. I kept checking on her, but noticed she was getting worse. She was purring, which I knew in this case was a bad sign. She also meowed very loudly and had stepped away from me and just laid there (I know cats want to be alone as they are dying). I was very scared and crying a lot already. At about 11pm I called the vet again. He wanted to help, but was out of town so he gave me the number of a nearby vet. I called the other vet and around midnight we were at the dr with my my cat. The dr. said she was in shock and was worried about her heavy breathing. It sounded like there was a lot of fluid on her lungs. She listened with the stethoscope (my regular vet also did this) but couldn't really hear anything.

We then took an X-ray, but it did not show a lot of fluid on her lungs or around her heart. The dr. was not sure, but she said it was serious and definitely something heart/lung related, maybe a lung embolism. She gave her some cortisone and a diuretic and took her home with her for observation. I was devastated and again did not sleep. At about 7 AM she called me and said things had taken a turn for the worse. Now Tsjip could not even sit up anymore and she thought it was best to euthanize her, given her 12 years of age and the severity of her condition. I asked to see her before it happened. I went down to the vet practice and there I saw her. The image of her lying in the cage, completely weak, heavily breathing and with her mouth a bit blue. She was obviously in distress and I could hardly bear seeing my baby this way. I held her little head and told the dr. I wanted to ease her pain. We first called my vet and he told me if the situation was that bad I needed to let her go.

We put her on the table and I sat next to her. She was on a blanket and covered by another one. I will never forget this. I was petting her and talking to her, I told her it was almost over and how much I loved her. The dr. administered the drug to put her to sleep, but because her circulation was so bad it did nothing. The dr. injected her with three doses, but still she was not asleep. Then the dr. used some anesthetic gas to put her to sleep. I was crying and wailing, seeing my little girl slip away. In a way I was happy when she was asleep, because the three injections had really upset me. Then the dr. gave her the final injection and just a minute later her heartbeat was gone. I remember my tears streaming down my cheeks onto the metal table.

We took her home in a box to bury her in our garden where she loved to sunbathe in the summer. I put her down in the living room and asked my sister (who was at work) if we had to wait for her to bury her. She wanted to be there to say goodbye. That whole day I kept on petting my beloved Tsjip as I tried to accept that it really was her laying there dead before me. I took her lifeless body into my arms the way I always did (she loved being held like you would a newborn, it was amazing. She's the only cat I ever had who did this). As I held her and petted her I just kept on thinking she was going to wake up, but her head just fell limp and her eyes were dead. I wailed and sobbed but she was gone...

Throughout the day I kept going to pet her, even after rigor mortis had set it. I found comfort in the fact that I could still see her and touch her soft fur. My sister got home and was also devastated. Then came the time to bury her before it got dark outside. On the one hand I wanted to bury her, as a ritual of closure. On the other hand I couldn't stand the thought of not being able to see her and touch her any more, but I knew I could not keep her with me. I put her in her favourite blanket and we buried her in our backyard where she loved to chase birds and butterflies and caught many mice.

This loss has been so sudden, filled with panic and chaos. I didn't want her to die this way. She was too young. I wish she could have died in her own house, on her blanket, just in her sleep. Unfortunately we do not get a choice in this matter. I am an emotional wreck. I have done nothing but cry. I can't sleep, can't eat, can't focus. I can't stop thinking about her and replaying the events in my head. I can't shake the image of her lying on that table at the vet. I can't stop thinking how scared she must have been. She hated being away from her home or in the car and in just 24 hours she was in the car several times, at 2 different vet offices and at the vet's home. she must have been so confused. I feel so guilty because maybe she thought I left her behind. I do think I made the right decision to put her to sleep (as difficult as it still is), because after she had passed a lot of fluid came out of her mouth. This was all the fluid that was building up in her lungs, and she would have never made it at her age.

The pain is so deep, I feel like my tears are endless. I put away some of her stuff, but some of it remains. It doesn't matter any way, EVERYTHING reminds me of her. The window ledge she would sit on, the glass door she would paw on to be let out or in and especially the SILENCE. I have 2 other cats, but none of them are very vocal. Tsjip was very vocal. If you just said her name she would look at you and reply with a meow. Or when you were about to pet her and you first touched her head she would make this little squeaky sound. Every night before I went to bed I would check if she was inside and now I don't have to do that any more. I can't accept the fact that I will never get to feed her, pet her, hold her like a baby any more... I will never get to hear her distinct meow any more (I would recognize hers out of a million meows) and never get to see her play any more. It is so difficult for me to understand that and I just can not accept it. I have cried so much in these past few days, I can"t seem to stop. I know that the pain will subside eventually, I know that the intense sadness will eventually go away. I know grief needs time, but right now I just feel nothing but pain and don't know what to do with myself. For 12 years she was such an important part of my life. Tsjip was an amazing, beautiful, wonderful, funny cat and I miss her so much. I wish something could take the pain away. I have such an intense longing to touch her soft fur again. I've wailed and cried and have pleaded a million times for someone to bring her back to me or to turn back time.... I know I will eventually recover but right now the hurt is just so deep...

I do feel blessed for having had her in my life. We shared wonderful moments and loved each other unconditionally (this is the beauty of having pets). I knew that someday we would have to part but I really hoped that moment would be in a few years. I try very hard to believe in some higher power and try to accept the heartaches life brings, but I am a very emotional and sensitive person. I try to remember the good times, but at this point in my grief that is very difficult. I am thankful for having had her as a cat and I am thankful I still have my 2 other cats to give my love to.

Tsjip, thank you for everything. I hope you had a wonderful life. I want you to know you were (and are) incredibly loved and we all miss you very much. I hope you are now free of any pain or sorrow and are playing in the grass somewhere with your sister (whom we unfortunately lost several years ago, but I was still very young then). I will never forget you, you are always in my heart.
Tsjip Augustus 1st 1998 - January 14th 2011

[JoanneL]

I was thinking about you today and wondering how you are. Today is one month since Zoe was killed and I know you and I joined this Forum about the same time,
Have you been able to start sleeping any better? Ae you taking care of yourself. I am a mother hen, you can see that. Grief really does rob us of our strenth and in my case, concentration at time. Do you have people you can talk to about your feelings? I don't so I am happy to be able to come here.
Please keep in touch and let us know how you are.
Joanne