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[sl1229]

Hey guys,

I'm new to this forum and I just didn't know where to turn to. On February 5th 11:30 pm, I laid my dog to rest. He was the first pet that I've raised since as a pup. He's been with my family for 13 years, and honestly, I didn't think I'd miss him this much. I've been on a roller coaster of emtions, since that night. I remember the day I brought him home to the first day I taught him how to sit, shake, roll over, etc.

The thing that's eating away at me so much right now is guilt. I used to treat him so badly when I was a kid. For probably the first 5 or 6 years, yet he still loved me SO much. As I got older though, he taught me that what I did was wrong, and throughout the last 7 or so years of his life, I tried to treat him so much better. Now as I'm thinking about our days together, I still feel guilt. It's funny how even after he's gone, I'm learning from him. Learning how to be more patient, loving, understanding, and how not to take life for granted.

We would always make fun of how such a cute puppy turned so ugly. LOL But that's what I miss about him. He was as loving as he was ugly. Whenever I got mad at him, he knew. Not sure if he understood why I was mad at him, but all he did was just curl up right next to me. As people, if someone gets mad us and we don't know why, we get bitter, yet with dogs, they just show more love towards us. That always baffled me. Again, like I said, he taught me a lot of things during his 13 years.

I'm going to miss hearing his annoying jingles from his dog tag as he walks around the house. Going to miss his bad breath, his look he gives me when he needs to go, the way he used to growl at me when I growl at him, and the way he used to lie on my chest whenever I took a nap.

So last week he got sick. He ended up getting a hernia. He was having a really hard time breathing and urinating. We took him to the vet and they gave us some antibotics. Well on thursday he seemed better and started playing a little bit (in hindsight, it was his way of saying good bye). Friday, he got worse. Saturday morning, he was puking and urinating blood. That night we took him to the ER, hoping we could help him. Waiting for results was excruciating. Well when the doctor finally called us in he gave us the grim news.

He said that he wasn't sure exactly what was wrong with Bobo (my dog's name) and that he needed to run more test, but from what he found out, it looked as though Bobo's body was destroying it's red blood cells. Which made the doctor think that it could be cancer. What he told me next kind of floored me. Maybe I'm reaching here, but the doctor said that Bobo had two bad knees and a bad back. The thing is, I've got two knee injuries (one needed to be surgically repaired) from sports, and bad backs run in my family, my dad needed back surgery couple years ago and my brother can't play sports cause of it. Here's where I feel guilty as well. I wish I would've known that Bobo was in such discomfort. He used to run around all the time as if his knees weren't bothering or rolling over like his back was non-issue. I wish I would've known he was in pain. I should've been more aware.

Finally the medical bills were going to be astronomical and the vet finally asked if we would want to euthanize Bobo. I wasn't getting emotional until he asked. I was there with my mom and her and I just looked at each other, and realized it was the right thing to do. We took our time to say our goodbyes to Bobo, I hugged him, and kissed him one last time. Told him that I loved him and that he was a great dog.

As I got home that night, I just had a huge sense of guilt. Especially when I was trying to look for some of his pictures and realized that I only had a handful. I wish I took more pictures of him. At least took a recording. I really miss him. How do you cope with all this?

My next problem is that I've got a 2 yr old Golden and he looks depressed too. I'm trying my best to cheer him up, but ever now and then I just breakdown next to him. As he senses my grief, he just lies there with his head on my lap. I don't know how to do this.

Sorry if this is long and really all over the place. My mind is still very un-organized. I'm waiting for Bobo's ashes this week, and my brother wants to keep it in his room (As my brother was 5 when we got Bobo, they basically grew up together).

Again, I just need help. How do I cope with this guilt, pain, and grief? Thank you all in advance.


Sam


I really miss his stanky breath.....

[Juturna]

Dear Sam,

Please accept my sincere condolences on the loss of your precious Bobo. The grief journey is always filled with lots of emotions and guilt is usually one of them. Talking, writing, praying, and most importantly giving yourself permission to feel and cry is helpful in this process.

Since animals give us unconditional love, they forgive our mistakes. Humans are not usually capable of this, so it takes time and work for us to forgive ourselves. If the guilt you have is from your teen years or younger, your parents also have responsibility with this, for it is their job to guide you in animal companion interactions.

I'm glad that you have joined this forum and are asking for help. That is a step towards healing. Please be gentle with yourself and continue to let us know how you are doing.
With peace,
Juturna

[sl1229]

Magdalene and Juturna

Thank you so much for your kind words. I've been on this forum all day and I truly appreciate you guys taking your time. Bobo was my first pet that I've raised and it's real hard. Everything reminds me of him. Again, your words are really encouraging to me. Thank you again.

Sam

Dear Sam,

Please accept my sincere condolences on the loss of your precious Bobo. The grief journey is always filled with lots of emotions and guilt is usually one of them. Talking, writing, praying, and most importantly giving yourself permission to feel and cry is helpful in this process.

Since animals give us unconditional love, they forgive our mistakes. Humans are not usually capable of this, so it takes time and work for us to forgive ourselves. If the guilt you have is from your teen years or younger, your parents also have responsibility with this, for it is their job to guide you in animal companion interactions.

I'm glad that you have joined this forum and are asking for help. That is a step towards healing. Please be gentle with yourself and continue to let us know how you are doing.
With peace,
Juturna