Grieving My Beautiful Little Girl Options

[Juturna]

For the past 2 days I have emersed my grief in reading postings finding them comforting in dealing with the guilt and heartache. My precious little Victoria was euthanized on 1/23 while I held her head and told her that I love her. Victoria was a buff and white ##er spaniel close to 14 years of age who had a strong will and tremendous spirit. She presented as much younger than her age, despite her health issues with cushings disease which we controlled with a lot of medication.

Last Thurs. Victoria stopped eating treats, had difficulty on the stairs, stayed in bed alot, and stopped wagging her tail. I took her to the vet on Fri. and he said that it may be lyme disease, prescibed an antibiotic, and told me to call on Mon. if she was worse. The next day she drank her water, and ate a tiny bit of food. She even jumped off my lap to watch children sledding out the window. I went to the city that evening for shopping and dinner not knowing that would be the last night that I could be with her. I still remember Victoria's sad eyes looking at me as I was leaving. Her appitite was worse when I returned home. The next morning she could barely walk, was totally disorriented, and was incontinent. We took her to an emergency vet center as my regular vet was not in the office. By Sunday at lunch time she had to be carried into the emergency center and was critically ill. The vet suspected that she had cancer which had spread to a major organ. I made the decision to euthanize which I am OK with. She went peacefully surrounded by the people that loved her the most.

My difficulty is with the guilt I feel in not being with my girl for close to 5 hours on her last night, and with the extreme sense of loss and pain. Since Victoria had health issues with the cushings disease and was deaf, so much of my time was spent caring for her, especially these last 2 years. Now there is an enormous emptiness in my heart. I just want to cry all the time and I'm having trouble sleeping. I've been talking to friends and have a very supportive significant other, but the pain of grief is so sudden and intense.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Juturna, what a precious picture - - and how lovely it was taken on Mother's Day. Thank you so much for sharing this picture with us and your cherished memories of your precious Victoria. I hope today is being kind to you, Juturna, and that your evening will be peaceful with the presence of your precious Victoria's sweet Living Spirit for company.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Juturna, and will look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[Juturna]

Hi, Juturna, what a precious picture - - and how lovely it was taken on Mother's Day. Thank you so much for sharing this picture with us and your cherished memories of your precious Victoria. I hope today is being kind to you, Juturna, and that your evening will be peaceful with the presence of your precious Victoria's sweet Living Spirit for company.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, Juturna, and will look forward to knowing how you're doing whenever possible.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

Dear Moon_beam,

Many thanks for your last 2 replies. They were so encouraging and thoughtful.

I spent time today as planned gathering, printing, and eventually placing photos of my beautiful Victoria in a scrapebook. I'm also collecting inspiring quotes and plan to do some writing. It feels good to work on this project.

This evening I managed to find the courage to pick up Victoria's ashes. Though friends offerred to join me or even pick up the ashes and bring them to my home, I decided that I needed to do this myself. It was difficult going back to the emergency vet center, but I was able to clearly ask for her ashes. Then as the kind secretary was expressing sympathy, I ran out crying. My heart is heavy. I'm grateful that I have the ashes here, and feel this was a step towards healing. I will place them next to the ashes of my beloved Aurara, who died 14 years ago.

Tomorrow will be difficult as I have a couple clients that I will need to tell that my precious Victoria has moved on to her next life. I am praying to have the right words and grace. Telling clients has not been easy thus far as many of them had a warm loving relationship with Victoria. Reactions have ranged from OMG, to tears, to why didn't you call me so that I could be there. I'm hoping that the healing work I did today, will allow me to have fortitude and grace tomorrow.

With gratitude and peace,
Juturna