Grieving My Beautiful Little Girl Options

[Juturna]

For the past 2 days I have emersed my grief in reading postings finding them comforting in dealing with the guilt and heartache. My precious little Victoria was euthanized on 1/23 while I held her head and told her that I love her. Victoria was a buff and white ##er spaniel close to 14 years of age who had a strong will and tremendous spirit. She presented as much younger than her age, despite her health issues with cushings disease which we controlled with a lot of medication.

Last Thurs. Victoria stopped eating treats, had difficulty on the stairs, stayed in bed alot, and stopped wagging her tail. I took her to the vet on Fri. and he said that it may be lyme disease, prescibed an antibiotic, and told me to call on Mon. if she was worse. The next day she drank her water, and ate a tiny bit of food. She even jumped off my lap to watch children sledding out the window. I went to the city that evening for shopping and dinner not knowing that would be the last night that I could be with her. I still remember Victoria's sad eyes looking at me as I was leaving. Her appitite was worse when I returned home. The next morning she could barely walk, was totally disorriented, and was incontinent. We took her to an emergency vet center as my regular vet was not in the office. By Sunday at lunch time she had to be carried into the emergency center and was critically ill. The vet suspected that she had cancer which had spread to a major organ. I made the decision to euthanize which I am OK with. She went peacefully surrounded by the people that loved her the most.

My difficulty is with the guilt I feel in not being with my girl for close to 5 hours on her last night, and with the extreme sense of loss and pain. Since Victoria had health issues with the cushings disease and was deaf, so much of my time was spent caring for her, especially these last 2 years. Now there is an enormous emptiness in my heart. I just want to cry all the time and I'm having trouble sleeping. I've been talking to friends and have a very supportive significant other, but the pain of grief is so sudden and intense.

[rainbohdi]

hi

i had to smile when i read that Victoria "had a strong will and tremendous spirit. She presented as much younger than her age" because that was my 15 and half year old bohdi exactly.

i keep thinking if i had known that saturday night had been the last night we'd have, i would have stayed awake all night and watched and listened to her sleep and cuddled her close. i have to make myself remember though that i made bohdi my life and gave her all i could as often as i could, i think maybe it's the same for you. maybe hold onto that thought when the guilt threatens to engulf you.

my friends are my family and they are understanding and supportive and miss bohdi, but somehow i still feel alone in this journey most of the time. i can get a sense when i'm on here that people 'get' it and that helps, but outside of here i don't think people quite get just how enourmous the pain is and just how heartbroken and devastated i am. it's so hard and i wish i could take away some of that pain for you, but i hope kinowing you're not alone in it helps you too.

would it help you to do something to honour her memory or have you already done something like that.

please take gentle care of yourself as you find your way through this painful journey