<3 Skylar <3 Options

[dani]

i'm sitting here with my baby, skylar, next to me. we got her for my oldest daughter on her 4th birthday (12 years ago, in a month), but we all know she is my dog. we rescued her from a breeder who said she just wasn't 'up to par' as a schih tzu show dog, when she was a year and a half old. they kept her in a crate probably 23 of the 24 hours a day.

she has been a wonderful family dog .. so great with our oldest, and the following 2 children we had in the years later. she went with us everywhere for quite a few years, then as she got older and we had more children, she favored staying at home for some peace and quite. we now have 3 children, 3 dogs (she is the alpha, even though one of the other dogs is a great dane/boxer mix), and a cat. my husband is in the military and is over in iraq til next october and she is the one that sleeps by me every night.

so, now, she is 13 and a half. two weeks ago, i thought she was pretty smelly and was giving her a bath when i noticed a very large knot on her left cheek. i took her into the vet immediately, where they took blood and a biopsy, and found that she has developed quite a heart murmur in the last 6 months. the vet said that the knot was not filled with liquid (the decaying tissue in there is the cause of the smell) and that we really only had 2 options .. could be an infection or could be cancer, so started antibiotics and pain medicine, just in case.

i got a call the next day and the bloodwork did not point to infection. had to wait for the biopsy though. found that out a week ago. the vet said that she must have had a scratch or something and her body did not regulate the white blood cells properly and they had all gathered there, etc .. a kind way of saying that she has stage 3 cancer in her cheek. he said that they would have to remove part of her jaw if they did surgery and she would have to eat out of a tube for awhile .. and that with her heart murmur and her age, she would most likely not survive the operation. he told me what he thought would be the best option for her and i cried all night.

so, i've been staring at my baby for another week. the knot has gotten larger .. the smell worse .. it's affecting her eye and her nose and she can't close her mouth. the pain medicine and the antibiotics have made her perkier though. she has been walking around with her ears perked up, wagging her tail. i have felt so torn. the last 2 days, she has been at my side and cuddling with me (i feel so guilty that her smell gets to me), and i have been putting it off to go back to the vet. this morning, i noticed that she must have seepage or something, because of the staining on her blanket where she lays and tonight, she must have bitten her cheek while she was eating because she started bleeding. i called the vet.

so .. tomorrow is the day. i feel so awful. i've read that 'you just know' and a couple of years ago, that was true with a golden retriever we had that had cancer and stopped eating or drinking and had problems walking. we did know. this, i don't. she looks at me with her perky little ears and her tail up and i feel so guilty for making the decision. i just don't want her to be in a lot of pain and the vet says that it is coming soon.

just needed to talk about it. thank you.

[JoanneL]

Hi Dani,
I am so feeling your pain tonight. I just want to add my support for you. It sounds as if you have no choice but to do what is right for her. As a Hospice nurse of many years I have watched many humans suffer until their bodies stopped on their own. At least Skylar has a mom who now knows that her time with you has come to an end because of a horrible disease. She will be made very comfortable and will no longer be suffering. I hope that you will come back here tomorrow night and tell us how you are doing.
Joanne

[dani]

joanne,

thank you

it was so hard to make the decision. i kept doubting myself. even today, when i took her into the vet, i asked him if i should give her more time and if i was making the right choice. skylar walked into the office herself. i decided to let her go collar and leash free, her favorite. luckily, we were the only ones there, so no worries about other animals. her head was high, ears perky, tail wagging. the vet was amazed at how she was doing, spirit-wise. he said that by the looks of the cancer, she shouldn't even be able to eat anymore and the nurse said she could feel her heart murmur just by touching her side. as a hospice nurse, you would know better if this is a common thing or not, but i had no idea.

it was almost as if she knew what was going on and she was at peace. i'm sure the idea of no more nail trimmings, no more baths, no more tangles in her hair, and most importantly, no more pain was something for her to look forward to ... and she had given us her all, had been such a loving and loyal friend for so many years. she was such a brave little dog, right up 'til the very end. i wish that we, as humans, could go as peacefully as i saw her go today.

of course, i cried the whole way home .. and still break down at the drop of a hat, but i feel like a weight has been lifted. she is in heaven and pain-fee tonight.