Guilt, Guilt, Guilt.... Options

[catworship]

Hi all, this is my first post.
I lost my cat Nim to CRF a week ago today. He was 20, maybe 21, and I had him for 15 years. I rescued him as a 5 or 6 year old, someone had dumped him in the woods.

Okay, so even though I know I loved him sooooooo much, (I am grieving harder for my boy than I did for my own father), I rescued Nim, gave him the best food, gave him shelter, safety, health care, beds, toys, love---why do I feel guilty??? The last 6 months or more of his life, the CRF really started to catch up with him. He got very thin. He lost control of his first his bowels, then his bladder. I put newspapers all over my house for him to pee and poop on. I fed him his special renal wet food twice a day, warmed with water. We gave him our futon and lined it with blankets and pillows and gave him a heating pad when he seemed chilled. I had a groomer come out to the house few times to clip him when he stopped grooming himself.

I feel guilty because, a few times, I got impatient and said some things I didn't mean. One time, I pushed him away from a salad plate that he found and helped himself to lapping up the vinegar and hot pepper---my god, what would that have done to him in his weakened state??? I felt bad about pushing him. I felt bad about saying "this is getting to be too much" and "my goodness, Nim, when is it your time?" I countered it by apologizing and saying I would miss him when he went. I feel so bad that I got so frustrated and said those things. Nim was a warrior. He didn't want to go. He loved living with us.

My husband and I kept our promise to him, and we released him when he no longer found joy. For his last few hours, I offered him his fave chicken, held him, told how much I loved him and how sorry I was for the times I got impatient with cleaning up his poop and pee. I told him I didn't mean it; mommy was just frustrated and tired. He looked up at me and I saw love. I know he knows I didn't mean it, but I am so pissed at myself for not being more patient. How can I let this go? The guilt is slowly melting away, but sometimes I get hit with it and I start crying.

However, I feel little guilt over putting him to sleep and giving him a painless, peaceful death with mommy and daddy at his side. It was time and I had a promise to keep. For the last few months, as I watched my poor cat get thinner and thinner (even though he ate like a horse), I told him he could go gently in his sleep. but he didn't--I truly believe he wanted me and his daddy with him as he passed. And we were there for him...moments before he slipped away, I had been holding him and kissing his sweet head.

Oh wow, I really, really miss him. I get up in the morning as he's not there demanding me to hurry up and clean up after him and feed him. I never moved fast enough! I miss his demanding voice. I miss seeing the newspapers around my house. It means he is truly gone.

Thank you for listening.

[AmberS]

if it helps we can chat here- you don't need a password-you jut go the main page and select chat... i'll pop on there and wait for you if you like...

[catworship]

if it helps we can chat here- you don't need a password-you jut go the main page and select chat... i'll pop on there and wait for you if you like...

thank you for the chat, Amber. I look forward to some chicken recipes.

[AmberS]

thank you for the chat, Amber. I look forward to some chicken recipes.

Anytime...

To fill everyone else in... both Catworship and I had cats who loved roast chicken. I told her in chat that as a way of remembering my baby I have friends or family over each Friday night (Friday being the last night I had with my baby) for a roast chicken dinner- just like the one that I cooked to tempt my boy on that last night. Catworship has decided to do something similar. Anyone else is welcome to do similar, in fact the idea that my Baby's memorial dinner is being kind of replicated overseas makes me smile