Guilt, Guilt, Guilt.... Options

[catworship]

Hi all, this is my first post.
I lost my cat Nim to CRF a week ago today. He was 20, maybe 21, and I had him for 15 years. I rescued him as a 5 or 6 year old, someone had dumped him in the woods.

Okay, so even though I know I loved him sooooooo much, (I am grieving harder for my boy than I did for my own father), I rescued Nim, gave him the best food, gave him shelter, safety, health care, beds, toys, love---why do I feel guilty??? The last 6 months or more of his life, the CRF really started to catch up with him. He got very thin. He lost control of his first his bowels, then his bladder. I put newspapers all over my house for him to pee and poop on. I fed him his special renal wet food twice a day, warmed with water. We gave him our futon and lined it with blankets and pillows and gave him a heating pad when he seemed chilled. I had a groomer come out to the house few times to clip him when he stopped grooming himself.

I feel guilty because, a few times, I got impatient and said some things I didn't mean. One time, I pushed him away from a salad plate that he found and helped himself to lapping up the vinegar and hot pepper---my god, what would that have done to him in his weakened state??? I felt bad about pushing him. I felt bad about saying "this is getting to be too much" and "my goodness, Nim, when is it your time?" I countered it by apologizing and saying I would miss him when he went. I feel so bad that I got so frustrated and said those things. Nim was a warrior. He didn't want to go. He loved living with us.

My husband and I kept our promise to him, and we released him when he no longer found joy. For his last few hours, I offered him his fave chicken, held him, told how much I loved him and how sorry I was for the times I got impatient with cleaning up his poop and pee. I told him I didn't mean it; mommy was just frustrated and tired. He looked up at me and I saw love. I know he knows I didn't mean it, but I am so pissed at myself for not being more patient. How can I let this go? The guilt is slowly melting away, but sometimes I get hit with it and I start crying.

However, I feel little guilt over putting him to sleep and giving him a painless, peaceful death with mommy and daddy at his side. It was time and I had a promise to keep. For the last few months, as I watched my poor cat get thinner and thinner (even though he ate like a horse), I told him he could go gently in his sleep. but he didn't--I truly believe he wanted me and his daddy with him as he passed. And we were there for him...moments before he slipped away, I had been holding him and kissing his sweet head.

Oh wow, I really, really miss him. I get up in the morning as he's not there demanding me to hurry up and clean up after him and feed him. I never moved fast enough! I miss his demanding voice. I miss seeing the newspapers around my house. It means he is truly gone.

Thank you for listening.

[magdalene]

You feel guilty because you are human and that's how we usually feel in a situation like that. Really.

I used to work for hospice. I saw family members of people that were dying go through the same thing. They loved their husband, father, son, brother, whomever, very much. But they got tired. Tired of changing diapers, of being awake caring for him all night, tired of the sadness and grief and stress and guilt, tired of the financial worries, all of it. Sometimes they wanted it to hurry up and be over. Not because they were bad people. Because they were human. And sometimes they were impatient, sometimes they were less than perfectly compassionate and patient and kind. Not because they did not love they person that was dying. Because they were human. We all get tired and lose patience sometimes.

The truth is, we all get cross with people we love sometimes. It does not mean we don't love them. You loved your kitty. I don't see how you could have loved him better. You are just human, though. Don't beat yourself up for that.

Magdalene