I Can't Beleive I Did What I Did.... And Didn't Do. Guilt And Options

[girl8211]

It's been 1 month, but it's still hard. I feel the strong need to put out there to the world my story and what I'm feeling. I'll try to keep this short, I hope some people will take the time to read this.

About 8 years ago I had a family move out of a house I was renting out. After being vacant for about 3 months I started working on it to re-rent it. While working upstairs I discovered 5 kittens and mother cat living in the attic (inner city and surely street cats). I gathered them up to bring them to the humane society, but they would not take them. So they came home with me, as I tried to figure out what to do with them.

Within a week the mother was very ill, hardly standing on her own, I took her to the vet... Feline Lukemia, brought all the kittens in and only 2 tested not infected. So I had to put down the mother and 3 kittens. I got the 2nd test on the other 2 and they where in the clear. I decided to keep them and committed to myself I would not separate the brother and sister little mates.

They were well cared for indoor cats with lots of attention and love. I named the girl 'Girl' She was the runt of the litter and just a rag doll to carry around and often would fall asleep in my lap. Always sleep on the foot of the bed... She was with me when I had some hard times and lived alone in a big house, these cats helped me keep my sanity at times. When I got married the cats then became family pets... and we all enjoyed their companionship.

Girl was special to me, I nursed her through several illnesses that where close calls for her.. she seemed to be prone to health troubles. Well, here I am today, 8 years latter.. I made the choice to put her down, I can't believe I did it and I feel horrible and guilt like crazy... at 8 years she always cuddled up and slept in my lap, played like a kitten chasing toys around and throwing them around.... never asking for anything, always giving.

I took her to the vet cause she was doing 'what I was told was.. abdomin breathing'. The vet painted a very grim picture and said $300-500 to diagnos her, plus treatment if possible and that was if she survived the testing and x ray time. So I can't believe what I did, put her down without testing My wife was there and she agreed based on what the vet told us. I feel so guilty, indoor well looked after cats can live 14-16 years.... I had alot of time I might have been able to buy her. And the vet pushed us for a decision, we where emotional, lost our sence of logic, afterwords felt that we didn't ask the right questions.

After getting home, after my wife and I spent hours crying on each others shoulder... I spent hours researching the situation, I found that there where several things it could have been that would have been easily fixed (as long as she could make it for the initial treatment) I confirmed this with another vet the next day. So I miss her horribly, the house seems so much emptier for missing such a small 9 lbs cat ...and a part of me is missing as well. I wish I had that hour in the vet hospital to re-live. And I keep questioning if I would have seen signs of a problem sooner, how could I miss something leading up to this. This situation is one of my biggest regrets, what was I thinking?... I wasn't, and now I can never undo whats been done... I'm so sorry to her, her brother (Otto), myself, and our family. And it still hurts like h.....

"I memory of Girl, I miss you like crazy"

[Sassy]

It's been 1 month, but it's still hard. I feel the strong need to put out there to the world my story and what I'm feeling. I'll try to keep this short, I hope some people will take the time to read this.

About 8 years ago I had a family move out of a house I was renting out. After being vacant for about 3 months I started working on it to re-rent it. While working upstairs I discovered 5 kittens and mother cat living in the attic (inner city and surely street cats). I gathered them up to bring them to the humane society, but they would not take them. So they came home with me, as I tried to figure out what to do with them.

Within a week the mother was very ill, hardly standing on her own, I took her to the vet... Feline Lukemia, brought all the kittens in and only 2 tested not infected. So I had to put down the mother and 3 kittens. I got the 2nd test on the other 2 and they where in the clear. I decided to keep them and committed to myself I would not separate the brother and sister little mates.

They were well cared for indoor cats with lots of attention and love. I named the girl 'Girl' She was the runt of the litter and just a rag doll to carry around and often would fall asleep in my lap. Always sleep on the foot of the bed... She was with me when I had some hard times and lived alone in a big house, these cats helped me keep my sanity at times. When I got married the cats then became family pets... and we all enjoyed their companionship.

Girl was special to me, I nursed her through several illnesses that where close calls for her.. she seemed to be prone to health troubles. Well, here I am today, 8 years latter.. I made the choice to put her down, I can't believe I did it and I feel horrible and guilt like crazy... at 8 years she always cuddled up and slept in my lap, played like a kitten chasing toys around and throwing them around.... never asking for anything, always giving.

I took her to the vet cause she was doing 'what I was told was.. abdomin breathing'. The vet painted a very grim picture and said $300-500 to diagnos her, plus treatment if possible and that was if she survived the testing and x ray time. So I can't believe what I did, put her down without testing My wife was there and she agreed based on what the vet told us. I feel so guilty, indoor well looked after cats can live 14-16 years.... I had alot of time I might have been able to buy her. And the vet pushed us for a decision, we where emotional, lost our sence of logic, afterwords felt that we didn't ask the right questions.

After getting home, after my wife and I spent hours crying on each others shoulder... I spent hours researching the situation, I found that there where several things it could have been that would have been easily fixed (as long as she could make it for the initial treatment) I confirmed this with another vet the next day. So I miss her horribly, the house seems so much emptier for missing such a small 9 lbs cat ...and a part of me is missing as well. I wish I had that hour in the vet hospital to re-live. And I keep questioning if I would have seen signs of a problem sooner, how could I miss something leading up to this. This situation is one of my biggest regrets, what was I thinking?... I wasn't, and now I can never undo whats been done... I'm so sorry to her, her brother (Otto), myself, and our family. And it still hurts like h.....

"I memory of Girl, I miss you like crazy"

To Girls Dad,

You can't do this to yourself, the what if I'd done this, or what if I had done that?

I had a similar experience with my Sassy 3 weeks ago, and while I didn't have her put down I listened to the vet and authorized surgery on her heart, she passed away during surgery.

But we do what we think is best at the time and as someone pointed out, these people are the experts, we listen to them the same way we listen to human doctors, we can’t blame ourselves for the decisions we make, especially when we are trying to ensure the comfort of our friends.

We can’t be this hard on ourselves during this time of loss, blame is a redundant emotion and just adds additional anguish to an already extremely sad situation.

Take some time to sit and close your eyes and think of Girls happier times and if that is too painful, if Otto is up for a hug give him one and talk aloud to Girl, she can hear you tell her how you feel. She loved you unconditionally and the best things about our special friends is they don’t hold grudges, only humans do, so she isn’t sitting back blaming you for anything, she is sending you love.

Take care and spend some time reading some of the posts on this site, when I found Lightning Strikes it was a godsend to know I wasn’t alone in my grief.