Sassy - 7/5/98 - 13/12/10, I've lost my best friend Options

[Sassy]

Hi all,

I am relieved to have found this site, my best friend Sassy died on the 13th Dec 2010 and I find myself inconsolable. To know that there are others who understand what I am going through is bitter sweet, because I am sure if any of you are like me, you would give up every worldly belonging to have your friend back with you.

It's 4am and after waking I found myself in the same position I find myself in nightly, hating the fact that I don't have my permanent "lump" snuggled up behind my knees, instead I have a soft bag with the last blanket and t-shirt she slept on in the hospital, I hold it a squeeze it willing her to come back.

It's then that the events of that weekend begin to play in my head.

We woke up and were heading to work as usual, my husband noticed Sassy was a little off, we took her outside to get some air and she was all wobbly and couldn't walk, it was early in the morning, I called the vet, none of the vets would be there until 9am, I went down anyway and waited.

It came about that her liver was failing and we found amass on her heart, so we rushed her to the emergency hospital where they have an intensive care unit, it was hear that we were given in extreme detail the extent of her condition.

She had a 7cm mass on her heart and her liver was distressed, from scans they thought it might have been lymphoma. So she went on the drip and I slept with her all weekend, at this stage the plan was get her liver back on track, get results back from liver biopsy and then address the heart mass.

You need to realize here, neither her or I knew the meaning of give up, both of us have been through tougher times than this, my girl had a knee and hip replacement due to arthritis so we were getting through this!

Saturday afternoon we get the great news that it wasn't cancer, her stats were coming back, and by Sunday night her liver was virtually normal, but she still looked groggy and her breathing seemed labored, I asked the vet and they put it down to tiredness after such a big trauma, it made sense.

Monday morning I head back in to see her there she was, wagging her tail and wiggling (her trademark) I spoke with the vet, he said he wanted to do a scan on her heart now just to get a better look at this mass, so I agree to scan and decided that maybe I would pop into work, as I turn to look through a window I can see her being 'dragged' away by the vet nurse, she looks back at me through the door as if to say "please don't go" but I did, I left her.

I get a call and hour or so later telling me that they have found some fluid around her heart (hence the grogginess and labored breathing) and that to give her some relief he would need to go in, the vet said it was a short op, and while all surgery came with risk, this was low.

I was outside my office with a friend when he called to discuss the surgery, I just wanted her to be healthy, so relief made sense, so I consented. he said he would call back in an hour or so.

3 hours later I was out of my mind, I couldn't think, but I couldn't call either, my husband and I agreed to go home ,get changed then call or go straight to the vets.

As I was sitting on the end of my bed I hear my husband talking to someone then I hear this scream that I will never forget, I have never heard my husband so distraught and I knew immediately that she was gone, I was in shock screaming and crying, I was dry retching my world had just ended and I wanted my own heart to stop.

She had died in surgery, that I had authorized and I hadn't got to say goodbye, she would have been so scared by herself before going under, she was alone and I left her, that guilt is with me every moment of every day, the last face I see is hers being pulled away by a vet nurse begging me not to leave, I will never forgive myself.

So here I am, 2 weeks on and nothing has moved on really, my world is sad and empty, I still can't accept that she has gone, even though we bought her ashes home Christmas eve. I can't seem to overcome my grief, it's so visceral that I have trouble breathing some days.

People tell me that time will heal, well I don't want it to heal, I am fearful that if I heal I will forget her and if I not feeling her loss then I am not honoring her existence, her passing deserves a life of mourning.

If you have read this far, thank you.

I don't know what to do, I'm wracked with guilt and I am sad, so so sad without her.