Tony Linux Options

[whitecats]

4 days ago, we lost our 12 year old baby, Tony Linux. I don't even know what to write here, i have so many thoughts racing though my head.

We had a fenced area for him, and the neighbours Dog (a german shepard) was able to get in, and at that point, the fence became a trap for the poor guy. I've sat out there, and thought about how the whole thing happened, over and over again. The worse part about this is, I didn't know any of it happened... it was raining out, there were obvious large dog prints all over the place (i noticed the next day). Tony was only actually bitten a few time in the hind quarters, and it really hurts me to think he may have laid out there in the freezing cold and rain, not able to move for several hours before maybe freezing to death. I look back and think I may have heard him coughing, but I don't recall hearing any meows.. I woke up in the middle of the night and for some reason I thought, "Where are the cats", only to look and not find Tony. We have a sliding door that connnects to the fenced area for the cat. I had closed that door because it was so cold, not even knowing the cat was out there. I called for him all night when i realised he was missing.... I figured he had gotten out of the fence or ran out the front door, since I didnt' see him anywhere. Well, i found him the next morning when i went looking for him. He was in the fenced part that wrapped around the house...

I'm not going to blather on about all 100s of ways I think i could have done something different; I'm terribly guilt stricken. I've been in a deep depression for years. It may have started when we lost Tony's brother Rittie to heart cancer about 2 years ago. These were our children. My wife and I got them (both pound cats) around the time we got married, and these have been our only "kids".... We couldn't bear the idea of getting another cat after loosing rittie, and while it took over 2 years, about 4 months ago we found a kitten that has the best personality, and have been very happy to have him (Henry)... Tony accepted him better than we thought he would, although he was frequently annoyed by requests for play from his new brother.

My mind keeps running thought "what-ifs"... my neighbour feels bad about the whole thing, and has said he will look into getting rid of the dog ASAP, and keeping it absolutely leased until then. I'm not an eye for an eye person... I just want my Tony back, and this senseless murder to have not occurred....

Here's some pictures:
The brown eyed British short hair is Tony and Rittie is the odd-eye one (we believed him to be at least part Manx).. The cross eye'd kitten at the bottom is the new guy... Henry

http://www.flickr.com/photos/cshym74/sets/72157594181650985/

Finally, thank you for naming your forum "Lightening Strike", the name alone brings some comfort....

[whitecats]

I want to thank everyone for their thoughtful replies. I'm sorry it took me so long to reply, i had forgotten my password, and every time I come here it makes me incredibly sad... It's like I'm trying to avoid anything that will make me think about Tony... I've got my crying down to less than twice a day, most days... It hurts to breath. I was pretty down on my luck and seriously depressed before this event occurred. See, I started a business to bring Broadband to rural people about 5 years ago, and worked for free trying to build it for years, spending every cent I had only to cave to salaries and bills that I could no longer afford. I then moved all the way across the country, hoping for a fresh start... Everyday is a struggle to get out of bed, and my house is getting messy since I don't want to do anything. I know i really need to go see a doctor about this (and knew that before Tony died). Unfortunately, I have no health insurance and I've yet to even find a local doctor that will take someone with "no insurance", even if I could afford to pay much.... I feel like that homeless guy in the beginning of a clockwork orange, down on the ground, getting beaten...

I don't mean to make this a pitty party, I'm just trying to keep on everyday... If it wasn't for my wife and my kitties, I doubt I'd even be on this earth any more.. This song helps me.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sA8PaIw5gcE

I'm just trying to swim and keep my head above the tide.... I can't believe it's already been 2 weeks since he passed...

Thanks for read this, and I hope everyone feels better than me :,(

Swim by Jack's Mannequin

You've gotta swim
Swim for your life
Swim for the music
That saves you
When you're not so sure you'll survive
You gotta swim
And swim when it hurts
The whole world is watching
You haven't come this far
To fall off the earth
The currents will pull you
Away from your love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the dawn
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
A crack in the armor
I swim to brighter days
Despite the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
I swim

You gotta swim
Through nights that won't end
Swim for your families
Your lovers your sisters
And brothers and friends
Yeah you've gotta swim
Through wars without cause
Swim for the lost politicians
Who don't see their greed as a flaw

The currents will pull us
Away from our love
Just keep your head above

I found a tidal wave
Begging to tear down the dawn
Memories like bullets
They fired at me from a gun
Cracking me open now
I swim for brighter days
Despite the absence of sun
Choking on salt water
I'm not giving in
Well I'm not giving in
I swim

You gotta swim
Swim in the dark
There's no shame in drifting
Feel the tide shifting and wait for the spark
Yeah you've gotta swim
Don't let yourself sink
Just find the horizon
I promise you it's not as far as you think
The currents will drag us away from our love
Just keep your head above
Just keep your head above
Swim
Just keep your head above
Swim, swim
Just keep your head above
Swim