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[Baden]

Hi Everyone-
I just wanted to say that I truly appreciate the comments and the kind and loving support that people offer here. It is the nicest forum I have ever seen. Dennis had mentioned that perhaps I start my own thread so people can respond to my messages about Baden, but I love hearing other people's stories about their beloved animals. Its not all about me, its about everyone and to hear other people who have been through a situation or just want to express the happiness and joy about their pets (or even the despair) definitely helps me to feel more supported. So, I wanted to open up a thread to whatever-good or bad. Someone today told me I should try to be positive and get busy. The words glossed right over me as the LAST thing I want to be right now is positive. I think that there is a time and place and grieving is an important process. I study a lot about the Law of Attraction and am usually in the mind frame with my job (in an integrative medical practice) telling people to 'be positive', but right now I want to be REAL. Like LOA says, you cannot go from 88.9 to 107.5 vibration overnight. Its a step by step process. First it takes putting your canoe in down stream and going with the flow. Right now, that is all I can do...is try to go with the flow and let the tears flow as they wish. When I hold them in and 'try to be positive' it feels like I am paddling upstream. When my dog was dying and I was utterly confused about what to do as the vet kept pushing me saying, there is a 'quality of life here' and wanted me to put Baden down, My friend who helped both of her parents die, and then got into hospice work ended up saying, 'F*C& the vet, there is a 'Quality of Death' as well.' It allowed me to step back into my own intuition and do what I thought and knew in my heart was right. Only we as pet owners can make that decision for our own pets. If they are in excruciating pain, that 'quality of life/death' issue changes (at least in my mind). Its a big ethical consideration that we do not have to explore with humans, as there are less options. Anyhow, I am trying to really tap into myself right now and go through the process, despite what other people think/want from me.

I also wanted to add something that people may or may not have thought of, that dawned on me today while talking to my intuitive therapist. I was telling her how much I was missing Baden and how amazing he was as a person/dog/entitiy-I always called him 'my little man' or 'my best man'. But her response as she was looking into him said, 'well just know that he is so amazing because of the person that you are and the depth and character that you instilled in him. His amazement came from the amazing person that you are.' It was such a nice statement and made me feel good as a 'Mom'. Interestingly, after I got off the phone, I thought back to my dream last night. In the dream, Baden was at my parents house and it was him but he was not the same dog. He was owned by my parents, instead of me. In real life my parents are notorious for raising dogs that are disobedient and not the brightest bulbs. Baden was completely different and I couldnt figure it out-he was agitated, seemed to be mentally troubled and was not the 'happy go lucky' dog that I knew. He had dipped his face in a bag of flour in his defiance and confusion and he seemed to have no idea what was going on or how to behave. I was extremely bothered by the whole scenario and the way he was acting. I thought about what my therapist said and thought, 'gosh....perhaps he would have been a totally different dog had my parents raised him.' It really dawned on me that when we say we are missing a piece of our heart, or a piece of ourselves, we truly are. I guess in knowing that we put our heart and soul into these animals that turned them into the amazing beauties that they were/are, we were truly seeing the side of ourselves that we loved. We were seeing our own self-respect, our own unconditional love and our best selves within a little animal that reflected back everything that is amazing in us. That in itself is a gift, despite the longing/missing them. Perhaps we are truly missing part of ourselves...that extension of our love. When Baden died, I learned true love. On the days that he was living, I lived in love and bliss with him. But, the true learning showed me that every relationship(friendship, intimate or whatever) that I have should be like the one I had with that dog-based on trust, respect, giving, honesty and love.

I cried multiple times today. My words are leaving me as I look around to his pile of dog toys that he had so much fun with. My mind goes back to the guilt of how I wish I played with him more when he was longing to play and I was tired from work/stress. Ugghhh. I know its a natural process and most of us wish we could have done some things differently. We did the best that we could do with what we knew. The time went so quickly didnt it? I wish there was a way to bring them back after they leave after truly realizing what it is like to sit in their void. Some people get their X's back all fixed up who have so much more appreciation and gratitude the 2nd time around. I never did. I do know that during his life I would hug and kiss Baden all the time and everyday I woke up appreciating what an angel that dog was to my life. I knew it would be the most gut-wrenching experience of my life, I just never wanted it to happen. Im still in shock that it did happen. Has anyone really ever come to the conclusion of being okay with death? Somehow in our culture that wisdom seems to have been lost. I am looking to find it........

Be Blessed Everyone. Thank you for being there and listening.....
Amy

[Baden]

Thank You AngelCareOne! That is so beautiful, sweet and thoughtful. Im still having such a hard time with this. Its been 4 months and I still find myself in shock. I had such a bad day last friday and when I got online and saw this message I felt like I was going to choke...not your fault, Im just still at that place. Its as if Im underwater holding my breath all the time and if I let out the air, the tears will follow. I have changed locations, moved to an island, have a new boyfriend per se, new job, new life and it all just seems surreal. I just wish Baden would come back and I know he is not going to. Sometimes I feel as if I get communication/messages from him but it IS his physical presence I miss. I miss walking with him, having him next to me, hearing him snore, I miss EVERYTHING about him. Its the greatest love and the worst loss I have ever had. No one out here really understands. They dont understand my sadness, my sensitivity to life right now, my overall 'low' outlook. They didnt know my dog and those that did understand it better. But, I think after 4 months people just expect you to be over it by now. Im not over it. I havent moved on and I dont know if I ever will. He will always be my ultimate best friend. Sometimes I feel like a complete zombie just walking through my life. Im going through the motions but underneath I am so broken. Its a heartbreak like no other. To most people they have no idea-because I just fake my way through life. Many people have asked me why I moved out here and when I tell them my dog passed away I barely even get a recognition from most people. Its as if I said 'I got a new job' or something insignificant. I think its one of the worst losses possible in life and people have very little compassion/understanding outside of this site. I have not come to this site very often because talking about it and reading these posts are still so hard for me. I could cry at a dime. For the most part, I have to try not to think about it because I will start crying at work or in public and then 'knowing' that I cant 'think' about my baby makes me even more upset. Its a whirlwind of emotions. Right now, Im again choking back the tears since my roommate is just in the other room and I know most people will just think Im crazy for crying STILL. Its so so very hard. I wish life didnt have to be this way and we could at the very least, in the midst of all the other nonsense going on in this world, have our beloved pets for our lives to love and cherish and help us through. It just seems so unfair!

I wish you all the best everyone! I hope this gets easier on all of us. Thanks for being there.
Hugs,
Amy