The "whys" Are Killing Me, The pain of losing Bailey is almost unbearable... Options

[sandyp]

I found this site last week and I have to say that it was definitely what got me through the week. My beautiful 3-year-old Labradoodle was hit by a car and killed two weeks ago. It was due to a series of unusual events that has left me questioning everything. I know in reading the forum that this is normal in the grieving process but truthfully there is nothing to justify taking my Bailey from me. The first week I went through the motions only because I had to. Bailey came to me while I was going through the tragedy of losing my husband suddenly. She helped me through the loss of two wonderful dogs in 2008 and 2009 and now she's suddenly gone. I lost my dad in June and she was my support then. I am so heartbroken. I feel like I'm being punished but I can't figure out for what. I'm going through the guilt of not being there when she was running loose and then wondering if she died suddenly or suffered after being hit. I am so angry today and don't know how to handle it. I live by myself so that doesn't help. Please...someone help me through this.

[sandyp]

Amy,

I have tried several times this week to post but haven't been able to find the words. I know how my heart feels but I haven't been able to put it in print. For some reason waking up first thing in the morning is the hardest right now. I guess it's the reality of a new day without Bailey - same thing happened when my husband passed away. The thought of moving and starting fresh has been very appealing to me as the sad memories just seem to be compounding here. However, my two sons and elderly Mom live here so that's not an option.

My 52-year-old husband died in Nov. so that makes the holiday season very hard. Going into it so down is a bit scary. Financially I have no choice but to go through the motions of everyday life. I guess substitute teaching is good for now because I can pick my assignments for the day. However, at some point I have to look again for permanant employment but right now I don't have the energy. Reorganizing and healing is definitely what I need but I don't know how to do it. I thought I was on that path when Bailey died and now I truly do feel scared of the future. This is so energy consuming but I don't know what to do to think more positive. I do have 6 year and 5 month old grandsons that are the joy of my life when I am with them but then I come home and reality rears its ugly head again.

Thank you again for your concern and kind words. Please keep in touch.

Sandy