The "whys" Are Killing Me, The pain of losing Bailey is almost unbearable... Options

[sandyp]

I found this site last week and I have to say that it was definitely what got me through the week. My beautiful 3-year-old Labradoodle was hit by a car and killed two weeks ago. It was due to a series of unusual events that has left me questioning everything. I know in reading the forum that this is normal in the grieving process but truthfully there is nothing to justify taking my Bailey from me. The first week I went through the motions only because I had to. Bailey came to me while I was going through the tragedy of losing my husband suddenly. She helped me through the loss of two wonderful dogs in 2008 and 2009 and now she's suddenly gone. I lost my dad in June and she was my support then. I am so heartbroken. I feel like I'm being punished but I can't figure out for what. I'm going through the guilt of not being there when she was running loose and then wondering if she died suddenly or suffered after being hit. I am so angry today and don't know how to handle it. I live by myself so that doesn't help. Please...someone help me through this.

[sandyp]

Amy,

You are so right when you say " it was as if things couldn't get any worse and they did". I do have a true fear of the unknown right now. I was just coming to terms with my dad's death (family issues) and felt like I was able to move forward when Bailey was taken from me. I have always been the caregiver both in my personal life (I took care of my uncle for a year after he was diagnosed with alzheimers and have been the main caregiver - although I have a brother and sister - for both my mom and dad) and recently in my career choices ( victim advocate for families of murdered victims, social worker in a nursing home and currently substituting in special needs classes for the school district). In fact, the week Bailey was killed I had substituted in a kindergarten autistic class. My heart has always taken me in this direction. I have never expected to be rewarded for things that I truly enjoy doing but as I said in my original post, I do feel that I am being punished for something - I just don't know what. Or maybe I'm being tested - but why?

How do I move forward again? I want Bailey here with me and that's not going to happen. Her mom and brother live two houses down and she was given to me to take care of and I failed. I hate feeling this way because I know that things could get worse and that scares me. Wow, so many emotions and so much confusion.

Please know Amy that it means alot to me that you replied to my post. Four months since your loss is still so fresh. Take care and please stay in touch.

Sandy