I Don't Know How To Do This, Help?, I lost ALL my dogs last week. Options

[anyoneelse]

I will try not to make this too long, I am just wondering if I can find someone who has gone through something similar to see how they got through it. Or someone who reacted like me to loss to see how it all turned out. Here's the story:

I owned three beautiful healthy Australian Shepherds. They were 3 1/2, 4, and 4 1/2. All of them I had since they were babies. They transformed my life, got me heavily involved in dog sports. And I don't mean a show here or there, but I actively pursued obedience, rally, dock diving, herding, frisbee, and agility. I was qualified for the 2010 USDAA agility nationals with my oldest, so we were training several times a week with an internationally known trainer, trialing all the time, the works. They also went to work with me every day as I train horses/teach riding lessons, so they were with me, literally, non-stop. My first dog, the oldest, was (and so many people said so over the years!) my soul-mate, if there can be such a thing. We had the tightest connection, he could read my mind, I did everything for him, babied him, and he gave me so much confidence and inspired me to really try to achieve great things in the dog world. He was truly a once in a lifetime dog, and I always told him he would have to live forever because I could never survive losing him. My husband was always terrified something would happen to him because I just...there's no way to say it...adored and absolutely cherished him. But they were all spectacular dogs.

Last Wednesday I drove to the barn with them, got out, and went about my day. 4 hours later I realized I had left them in the car, and horrified, ran back to let them out. But it was too late. Although it was only maybe 80 out, sitting in the sun the car had heated up and they were all gone. We rushed to the closest vet hospital, and they were waiting for us when we got there. They ran over, grabbed all the dogs and took them in, and I stood there outside completely on the verge of hysteria, knowing I could not handle the news that I knew was inevitable...but I walked in a few minutes later, and indeed was told they were all long gone.

It was total shock, and they were asking me questions about burial, whatever, and I couldn't make sense of anything. My husband got there and took care of everything and that night was on and off tears, guilt, no sleep, but mainly numbness and shock.

Since then I haven't hardly slept, but the very few times I've been hit with any emotion, and it got to be close to overwhelming, I can feel my brain shutting it off. I am numb. Still. Five days later. And every day it gets easier and easier to feel like they are at my friend's house, or sleeping upstairs. I don't really believe they are alive and well, I know they are gone. But that's what it feels like. Except I always have a knot in my stomach like I'm just a little nervous about something. And I've been reading about grief and it says shock can last for weeks, and I am so afraid that my world will come crashing down around me without warning and I know I can't face it...I can not face the fact that I killed all my dogs.

I went to the barn for the first time today and at first was ok, but as the day went on I had like mini panic attacks. I would start feeling nervous, and that ball in my stomach would grow and tighten and my throat would tighten up and by heart would race, and I'd get like a cold sweat feeling, and it would be like I couldn't breathe, and then I would take a few deep breaths and it would all go away. And then a few minutes later it would happen again. And again. And again. No sadness, no tears, just that awful terrified feeling. Probably at least 40 times, closer and closer together, until I thought surely I would just break down or pass out, and then they stopped without warning.

I know I am going the wrong way with this, that somehow I need to find a way to face it. I don't try to avoid the pain, I have picked up their toys, I've seen paw prints, I've tried to talk to them all. But my brain has just tried to bury this pain so deep...I just wonder how healthy this can really be.

Has anyone felt like this? Has anyone been through something SO tramatic their brain won't allow it to be real? Even now, I sit here, and I feel like there's a gun to my head. I feel terrified. But I am not crying, I am not emotional at all. Except fear.

I would appreciate hearing from anyone, but I do understand if anyone doesn't want to help as I did a horrifying thing and deserve any pain that comes my way.

[tanbuck]

Anyoneelse, my heart just aches for your story and for you. The picture of your babies was beautiful. They were and still are so very beautiful. I understand losing the perfect life. I'm so very sorry you're going through this. I don't know why you are having to endure this but there must be a reason somewhere. You may not know it now or in the near future, even. And the "lesson" may not even pertain to saving another life. The one thing I've tried to "learn" from my losses (both fur babies and others) over the past 2 years is that maybe my role is to be a better help to someone else suffering similar losses. The gift of compassion has never been mine but lately because of what I've been through, I find I have more compassion for people who are hurting. People who are also losing their perfect lives. I'm not trying to say in any way shape or form that you should be more compassionate - at all. I'm only saying that when we suffer, it sometimes makes us better shoulders for others. I just don't believe that lives come or go without meaning. Although that meaning can be extremely difficult to figure out. I know Moonbeam has suffered immeasurably in her life and look at what she means to this forum. She offers support because of that deep pain she has.
I'm sorry, Anyoneelse, this isn't where I meant to go with this reply. I only wanted to let you know that I am so deeply deeply sorry for you. I can't fathom what you're going through but I hope that you will find some comfort on this forum. I hope someone will write the words you need. I told my co-workers your story and showed them the picture you posted. Your sweet angels have touched people you will likely never meet. I just wish there was something we could do to ease your pain. I understand what you mean about the numbness. I went through that for awhile after our second baby died. I walked around the dark house like a zombie just feeling nothing at all. I think it's a coping mechanism. I do so hope your counselor will help you. And if he doesn't, get another. You deserve to rest. You deserve to forgive yourself although there's nothing to forgive. You're not guilty. You didn't do it on purpose. There was a mistake made - not guilt. I hope that tomorrow will be a better day for you. I really do.
-Donna