I Miss My Sweet Zilla So Much, I had to put my sweet boy to sleep Options

[cat mom]

Friday August 27, 2010

Tonight I had to say goodbye to my cherished furry friend, Catzilla. He was a bit over 12 years old. We rescued him from the local animal shelter when he was a kitten. My husband picked him out because he looked so “f***ed up”, as he put it. He had ear mites so his ears drooped, and he had a bent tail that looked like it had been caught in a door, and a pitiful meow, but he was still cute!
He was such a good cat, so happy and loving, with a sweet face and gentle disposition. He gave us such love, joy and laughter. He was always ready to purr, even just having me walk into the room with him would get his motor going. In his later years, he loved sitting in my lap.
He’s never had any health problems until three days ago on Tuesday. He started having trouble walking, he was very weak, stumbling and walking slowly and aimlessly around the house, and sometimes would just stop in a corner and stare at the wall. When he would lay down, he wouldn’t sleep, just stare blankly. He showed no interest in food or water, which was SO not like him. He loved to eat ( he weighed 18 pounds!), and would even sit next to me when I would eat and gently tap me on the arm begging for a tidbit. I couldn’t figure what the problem could be, but whatever it was, it hit him hard and fast.
I took him to the vet and they did an X ray, blood test and urine test, but everything came back with acceptable levels. He perked up for a bit that night, then Wednesday he was pretty much a zombie. He would just lay there and stare blankly at nothing again, and was not aware of anything around him. I sat up with him all night on Wednesday, and I didn’t think he would make it through the night. Thursday morning, he was a little bit better, and he improved steadily through the day, and by evening he even ate, walked much better, and even jumped up in my lap for a nap. He was stretching, yawning and grooming himself, all the things a sick cat won’t do. He was almost his old self, clear eyed and relaxed. I think now that he came back to us for this brief time to say goodbye to us.
Today, Friday, he declined rapidly and was a zombie cat again. We had a feeling it was bad, but by 9PM he started having really bad seizures and spasms. All the signs were pointing to possibly a stroke or some other neurological problem, most likely a brain tumor. I think at this point, everything that was “him” was already gone. His heart was beating, he was breathing, but “Zilla” was already gone. We knew that this was something that he would not recover from, knew we would have to put him to sleep, and called an emergency vet. The vets around here don’t make house calls, so we had to drive him 30 minutes to the clinic. He hated riding in cars, but by this time he was barely conscious and not aware of his surroundings. The vet gave him a sedative to help calm his spasms, then had a hard time giving the euthanasia injection, his condition was so bad, his veins would collapse before she could administer the drug, but she was finally able to give him his release. This was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, watch my sweet boy fade away. It hurts like hell, I could never imagine it could hurt so much, and I know that a part of me died with him tonight. I have a hole in my heart that will take a very long time to heal, but I also know that we did the right thing. I would rather suffer the pain of losing him and missing him instead of trying to keep him alive for selfish reasons and making him suffer. To give him the gift of peace was such a small repayment for all that he gave us.
Zilla and I will meet again on the other side of the Bridge, with all the other furry loved ones that I have lost over the years..
“A spark that burns so bright in our hearts shall never dim.”
I miss you so much, my sweet little fur face Zilla. I will love you always. Sleep in peace.

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[moon_beam]

Hi, Cat Mom, isn't it amazing the intuition that our precious furkids have? I am so glad you have your precious Munch and Tank to keep you company. Remember - - they are grieving the loss of Catzilla, too. The dynamics of their "pride" have changed, and they will be making adjustments in terms of "seniority". I hope they are doing okay, that they are still eating and drinking water okay. I know you are keeping a watch on them, as much as they are keeping watch over you.

Again, Cat Mom, even though we "know" in our hearts and minds that our beloved companions are much better off with the angels, this still needs time to become a part of our core spirit before our aching hearts, particularly in the early deep grief, can begin to feel comforted. Take one day at a time, Cat Mom, and please remember we are here for you.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[cat mom]

Thank you Moon Beam, you are such a special person. It blows me away that people who I have never met before and probably never will meet can reach out to a total stranger and offer such compassion and understanding.
Today, over Zilla's grave I put some nice border stones and some flowers on it. Of course, I was almost blind from crying while doing it, but I felt a little better when I was done. It's so strange to feel such a weight on my heart, and at the same time to feel such an emptiness. I have lost many fur kids over the years and have grieved deeply over each one. But for some reason, Zilla's passing is just so much worse. I am lavishing extra affection on Munch and Tank, and I know they are wondering where their buddy is. It amazes me how our little fur kids can wrap their little paws around our hearts so tightly. I know we never can really call them ours - they are just on loan to us for a short while. I know God must have been missing him too and was tired of waiting and called him home. When Zilla was having his awful seizures, I was praying to God to take him gently, and I found out from the vet that as horrible as the seizures are to see, Zilla was unconscious and was in no pain. So the Lord heard my pleas. That is at least some solace.
Thank you again Moon Beam