A Strange Time, I'm afraid to let myself be happy Options

[John S]

This has been a very sad strange summer and now I'm in an even stranger phase of my grief journey. We've had Tucker for a little over six weeks now, he is great, very hyper and aggravating at times but I think he will grow up to be a good dog and I am glad I have him. Now we also have the kitten (the stray I caught) and he has turned out to be such a sweet lovable kitten. Last night he was sleeping curled up on my lap and I realized he has accepted me as his dad and it was a wonderful but sad feeling. I was Nikita's dad; every day for most of her life when I left I would tell her I loved her and would see her later, but I haven't allowed myself to do that with Tucker or the kitten. Last night as I sat there I realized I'm not sure I'm ready to be a pet dad yet, I am afraid. I keep thinking something will happen also my heart still aches for Nik. It is great to have a dog again and to have a kitty curled up on my lap but it has really put me into an emotional tailspin. This summer as been so surreal and now I have a taste of happiness but am afraid to take hold of it. All of this bears greater testimony to the impact of losing Nik has had on my life. I still miss her so much and always will.

[tanbuck]

John, I know exactly how you feel. Before I logged on this morning (which I don't normally do before I go to work), I was thinking about how I won't let myself move forward to happiness. It somehow feels like I'm pushing the babies I lost away. Like I'm leaving them behind and I don't want to. Yet, I know I need to move forward and begin to have some peace. Like you, this past year has been surreal for me too. There have been so many things in my life that have been beyond stressful and continue to be so. It's to the point that I feel a knot in my stomach when the phone rings because I fear it will be more bad news.
So, anyway, I understand where you're coming from. I understand not letting your new babies know you the same way Nik did. I get that! With the 2 cats we have now, I won't let my husband or me say things to them that we said to our boys-little phrases or words or songs. I keep walls up with them. I love them because they are animals and I'm happy for the life in the house but that's about it. I can't let myself bond.
I hope you have a good day today.
-Donna