I Am Devastated And Feeling So Guilty Options

[mfazz]

My 16 year old cat died last night. He died lying right next to me, with his paw on my thigh. I watched as he took his last breath.

I can't stop crying, can't stop thinking about him. I can't believe that he is gone.

Scooter was just the best, such a personality and spirit. I found him on the street when I was in grad school and took him in with me. He was such a love. He was also extremely vocal - he meowed ALL the time, any time of the day or night. He loved to sit in front of me when I was talking to someone and meow in my face in order to block the conversation. He also loved to cuddle and drool all over me.

For a few years, it was just me and him, then came my husband. When my daughter was born I was overwhelmed (she was colicky), and for that first year, I hate to say that I barely acknowledged him except to feed him. After that year, things of course were more settled and I could spend more time with him.

But even after that.....

there were many days when I felt like he did not get attention. There were days that he was pushed out of the way. There were days when I pushed him off of the dining room table and yelled at him. There were days that I wished I did not have to deal with his litter, especially when he began urinating all the time. There were a few tiring days when he peed on my luggage or clothes and I actually thought about how easy it would be when he was gone. He could no longer sleep with us because he would meow all night and keep us awake, so we put a gate up to keep him out.

I know that along with these bad times came loads and loads of great days. Days where he was loved and held and spoiled rotten. Days of sitting outside on the hammock with him and reading. Hours of petting his belly. So much love. But all I can think about are the times where I let him down or ignored him.

Sorry for the length of this. I needed to say these things. I am living with so much guilt over the times I failed him that it is blocking all the rest.

[mfazz]

I buried my Scooter today. I was able to see him one last time at the crematorium, get a fur clipping, talk to him, and give him one final touch. It was hard to let them wheel him away, because I knew what was coming and that I would never again see that little face, with his caramel nose, kitty acne, and lovely white and brown fur. But then again, his body was only a vehicle for who he was - that big personality, his spirit, and his loving nature - at least that I what I am telling myself over and over. We then took his ashes home and buried them in the garden. My daughter put two little stone bunnies next to the stone we made for him. This weekend, I will plant some flowers and catnip there.

I hope it gets easier with time, but today was tough.