I Am Devastated And Feeling So Guilty Options

[mfazz]

My 16 year old cat died last night. He died lying right next to me, with his paw on my thigh. I watched as he took his last breath.

I can't stop crying, can't stop thinking about him. I can't believe that he is gone.

Scooter was just the best, such a personality and spirit. I found him on the street when I was in grad school and took him in with me. He was such a love. He was also extremely vocal - he meowed ALL the time, any time of the day or night. He loved to sit in front of me when I was talking to someone and meow in my face in order to block the conversation. He also loved to cuddle and drool all over me.

For a few years, it was just me and him, then came my husband. When my daughter was born I was overwhelmed (she was colicky), and for that first year, I hate to say that I barely acknowledged him except to feed him. After that year, things of course were more settled and I could spend more time with him.

But even after that.....

there were many days when I felt like he did not get attention. There were days that he was pushed out of the way. There were days when I pushed him off of the dining room table and yelled at him. There were days that I wished I did not have to deal with his litter, especially when he began urinating all the time. There were a few tiring days when he peed on my luggage or clothes and I actually thought about how easy it would be when he was gone. He could no longer sleep with us because he would meow all night and keep us awake, so we put a gate up to keep him out.

I know that along with these bad times came loads and loads of great days. Days where he was loved and held and spoiled rotten. Days of sitting outside on the hammock with him and reading. Hours of petting his belly. So much love. But all I can think about are the times where I let him down or ignored him.

Sorry for the length of this. I needed to say these things. I am living with so much guilt over the times I failed him that it is blocking all the rest.

[moon_beam]

Hi, Mfazz, I am so o o o o glad your husband helped you put together a memory scrapbook of Scooter's life with you. I, too, have a daily struggle with PTSD and Survivor's Guilt for different tragic reasons. My furkids are my life, and losing any of them is very hard for me, too. So, I do understand the challenges you are enduring.

In my adult life I have always made a memory "something" of each of my furkids who have joined the angels. At first it was a simple memory booklet. I made enough copies to share with their vet and vet techs because they were so good to my furkids, and it helped them to stay focused on the good memories I have of them instead of just remembering their physical decline and circumstances of their death. I also made memory scrapbooks just for me, and treasure those scrapbooks. They help me to remember that the life I have with them on this side of eternity is real. I have now also added the challenge of making memory slide shows of my beloved companions with accompanying music, and this, too, has been very healing and therapeutic.

Some folks make memorial gardens if they bury their beloved companions, and some folks make donations in their furkid's names to organizations that do rescue work or research into the illness that claimed their beloved companion's physical life. Some folks establish "Good Samaritan Funds" in loving honor of their beloved companions with the proceeds going to help other folks who are having financial challenges taking care of their furkids.

Mfazz, it is important for YOU to do whatever will be helpful for YOU as you travel this grief journey. Although the grief phases are the same in terms of clinical definition each individual's journey is different because each journey is very unique to each individual's experiences and circumstances. But the "constant" in each journey is knowing that you are not alone - - that you have others who truly do understand what you're going through and who are walking beside you every step of the way.

Mfazz, thank you so much for sharing with us about your precious Scooter. I hope someday you will feel strong enough to share more stories with us of Scooter's life with you. Please know we are here for you for as long and as often as you need us, Mfazz. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers, and look forward to knowing how you're doing.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam