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[Baden]

Hi Everyone-
I just wanted to say that I truly appreciate the comments and the kind and loving support that people offer here. It is the nicest forum I have ever seen. Dennis had mentioned that perhaps I start my own thread so people can respond to my messages about Baden, but I love hearing other people's stories about their beloved animals. Its not all about me, its about everyone and to hear other people who have been through a situation or just want to express the happiness and joy about their pets (or even the despair) definitely helps me to feel more supported. So, I wanted to open up a thread to whatever-good or bad. Someone today told me I should try to be positive and get busy. The words glossed right over me as the LAST thing I want to be right now is positive. I think that there is a time and place and grieving is an important process. I study a lot about the Law of Attraction and am usually in the mind frame with my job (in an integrative medical practice) telling people to 'be positive', but right now I want to be REAL. Like LOA says, you cannot go from 88.9 to 107.5 vibration overnight. Its a step by step process. First it takes putting your canoe in down stream and going with the flow. Right now, that is all I can do...is try to go with the flow and let the tears flow as they wish. When I hold them in and 'try to be positive' it feels like I am paddling upstream. When my dog was dying and I was utterly confused about what to do as the vet kept pushing me saying, there is a 'quality of life here' and wanted me to put Baden down, My friend who helped both of her parents die, and then got into hospice work ended up saying, 'F*C& the vet, there is a 'Quality of Death' as well.' It allowed me to step back into my own intuition and do what I thought and knew in my heart was right. Only we as pet owners can make that decision for our own pets. If they are in excruciating pain, that 'quality of life/death' issue changes (at least in my mind). Its a big ethical consideration that we do not have to explore with humans, as there are less options. Anyhow, I am trying to really tap into myself right now and go through the process, despite what other people think/want from me.

I also wanted to add something that people may or may not have thought of, that dawned on me today while talking to my intuitive therapist. I was telling her how much I was missing Baden and how amazing he was as a person/dog/entitiy-I always called him 'my little man' or 'my best man'. But her response as she was looking into him said, 'well just know that he is so amazing because of the person that you are and the depth and character that you instilled in him. His amazement came from the amazing person that you are.' It was such a nice statement and made me feel good as a 'Mom'. Interestingly, after I got off the phone, I thought back to my dream last night. In the dream, Baden was at my parents house and it was him but he was not the same dog. He was owned by my parents, instead of me. In real life my parents are notorious for raising dogs that are disobedient and not the brightest bulbs. Baden was completely different and I couldnt figure it out-he was agitated, seemed to be mentally troubled and was not the 'happy go lucky' dog that I knew. He had dipped his face in a bag of flour in his defiance and confusion and he seemed to have no idea what was going on or how to behave. I was extremely bothered by the whole scenario and the way he was acting. I thought about what my therapist said and thought, 'gosh....perhaps he would have been a totally different dog had my parents raised him.' It really dawned on me that when we say we are missing a piece of our heart, or a piece of ourselves, we truly are. I guess in knowing that we put our heart and soul into these animals that turned them into the amazing beauties that they were/are, we were truly seeing the side of ourselves that we loved. We were seeing our own self-respect, our own unconditional love and our best selves within a little animal that reflected back everything that is amazing in us. That in itself is a gift, despite the longing/missing them. Perhaps we are truly missing part of ourselves...that extension of our love. When Baden died, I learned true love. On the days that he was living, I lived in love and bliss with him. But, the true learning showed me that every relationship(friendship, intimate or whatever) that I have should be like the one I had with that dog-based on trust, respect, giving, honesty and love.

I cried multiple times today. My words are leaving me as I look around to his pile of dog toys that he had so much fun with. My mind goes back to the guilt of how I wish I played with him more when he was longing to play and I was tired from work/stress. Ugghhh. I know its a natural process and most of us wish we could have done some things differently. We did the best that we could do with what we knew. The time went so quickly didnt it? I wish there was a way to bring them back after they leave after truly realizing what it is like to sit in their void. Some people get their X's back all fixed up who have so much more appreciation and gratitude the 2nd time around. I never did. I do know that during his life I would hug and kiss Baden all the time and everyday I woke up appreciating what an angel that dog was to my life. I knew it would be the most gut-wrenching experience of my life, I just never wanted it to happen. Im still in shock that it did happen. Has anyone really ever come to the conclusion of being okay with death? Somehow in our culture that wisdom seems to have been lost. I am looking to find it........

Be Blessed Everyone. Thank you for being there and listening.....
Amy

[Baden]

Its been 6 weeks to the day. I dont even know how I feel besides down. I am out of the shock stage and in full grieving stage. I cry almost daily and if I dont Im fighting back the tears. If I dont let it out, I literally feel like Im choking. Family members are starting to look at me like they dont understand what is wrong, or perhaps why I am still crying, or maybe they choose to not talk about it. The acceptance part is hard. Much of me does not want to accept. Im angry that I have to accept this. It seems unfair. It seems like it shouldnt be a part of life that is true. People tell me Baden is still with me but I crave his physical presence. I want to touch his warmth and his fur and lay my head on him like I always used to. I havent felt much happiness in the past couple weeks. I know I do not even smile once on some days, let alone laugh. Life seems dull and boring and Im trying to find my way. Baden was the best love I ever had and may be the best love I will ever know. It is likely. Its hard to let that go and know that he has transitioned to another form that is so unfamiliar to me. Some days I feel like I will be forever lost without him and its hard to find the drive to keep going. I try to post to others when I can, but if I dont its because Im in so much pain that I fail to have any healing words. I know I need to give this more time. I guess I dont even wish that the pain would stop. When I wish, I am wishing for the impossible and that is to have him back in my life. The reality of all this is not sweet. I hope some of you are finding peace today and perhaps a smile....

[wchamilton]

Its been 6 weeks to the day. I dont even know how I feel besides down. I am out of the shock stage and in full grieving stage. I cry almost daily and if I dont Im fighting back the tears. If I dont let it out, I literally feel like Im choking. Family members are starting to look at me like they dont understand what is wrong, or perhaps why I am still crying, or maybe they choose to not talk about it. The acceptance part is hard. Much of me does not want to accept. Im angry that I have to accept this. It seems unfair. It seems like it shouldnt be a part of life that is true. People tell me Baden is still with me but I crave his physical presence. I want to touch his warmth and his fur and lay my head on him like I always used to. I havent felt much happiness in the past couple weeks. I know I do not even smile once on some days, let alone laugh. Life seems dull and boring and Im trying to find my way. Baden was the best love I ever had and may be the best love I will ever know. It is likely. Its hard to let that go and know that he has transitioned to another form that is so unfamiliar to me. Some days I feel like I will be forever lost without him and its hard to find the drive to keep going. I try to post to others when I can, but if I dont its because Im in so much pain that I fail to have any healing words. I know I need to give this more time. I guess I dont even wish that the pain would stop. When I wish, I am wishing for the impossible and that is to have him back in my life. The reality of all this is not sweet. I hope some of you are finding peace today and perhaps a smile....

I have found some peace today and over the past few days... I just went out to Winston's grave, moved the paving stones and fence and covered his grave and a bit of distance out from it with chicken wire. I then put the stones and fence back, then covered the exposed chicken wire with cut grass until I can get back to Lowes next week and get a few bags of marble chips, which I'll line the outside of his grave with to cover the wire.

I talked to him the whole time I was out there... told him how much I missed his antics, his personality and his companionship. I told him what a good dog he was and how I wish he had not had such a love of running free, but now he's forever free and running.

I had another cry and now I sit at my PC feeling drained but good.

I wish I could tell you, Baden, that your grief is almost at an end. I wish I could come to see you, give you a hug and let you know that no matter what your family and friends think of your grief that there are people out there that understand the depth of your grief and know how badly you're hurting. From the bottom of my heart, I hope you someday can think of Baden and smile, with maybe just a silent tear running down your cheek.

Please keep in touch with us here... you know as well as I do what a Godsend this board is to pet lovers that are hurting.