Losing My Beloved Misha Options

[MishasMom]

I'm so glad I found this forum. On Saturday I had to put my beloved Ragdoll Misha to sleep. It was the hardest decision to make. She was 15 years old. Last year she had been diagnosed with beggining stages of kidney failure. Last week she just started acting like she wasn't happy anymore. She was still eating but sleeping a lot. She also would be sitting there having trouble breathing. On Friday night she didn't want to be bothered at all. Didn't want me touching her, or cuddling, or any kind of interaction with me. During last week she bit me once or twice for no real reason. She had never done that before. I had this feeling she was telling me that she was done. She didn't enjoy life.

I took her into the vet Saturday morning. After talking to the vet he thought that she could of possibly had a stroke or seizures. There was also a chance that she could have a brain tumor. I asked if she was in any physical pain and he said no. I'm not sure if I believed that she had lost most of her muscle mass and I'm sure her little hips were rubbing up against bone. I just kept thinking we will be back in this same spot either ten days or a few months. What kind of quality of life would she have in that time. I feel that we don't just have an obligation to their physical pain but also their mental pain. So I made the decision I thought was best for her. She went quickly thank God. I did second guess myself the next day. I think that is normal. I do have a peace about it now. I believe we will see them again one day in heaven with our heavenly Father.

The hardest part for me is coming home to an empty apartment. I live alone and it is so lonely in my bed at night. For 30 years I have only had 4 months without a companion cat. I know I want to get another one just want the right timing.

Sorry for rambling on. My friends are getting tired of hearing about "it".

[tanbuck]

Misha's Mom, I echo what the others have said. There are no wrongs in this grief process. Yes, everything feels wrong, but you're not wrong. As you make a decision about another cat, follow your gut. Get very quiet and listen to your inner voice. See where it leads you.
In my case, my inner voice (I believe) was actually the voice of my precious cat, Niles, as he was passing away. There was a female cat that had been abandoned at our vet the week that Niles died. The day before he died and the evening that he died, there was a song going through my head over and over. Ear worms, I think they call that phenomenon. The song wouldn't go away but the words made me believe that Niles was not only releasing me to another but telling me it was the girl at the vet. I waited a week but couldn't stand it anymore. My point in telling you this was that I immediately felt all wrong. Completely wrong. I did not want her and she didn't want me. She was grieving for a family that obviously loved her (based on the note they left with her and all her belongings). We built our walls and had an agreement to not climb them. I hated her being here. I felt sorry for her but I hated that she was here. Then, our dog, Buck passed away this week. That little girl kitty immediately kicked into gear. She knew her purpose and she fits it well. She has become such a comfort to my husband and me. I can't really explain it. Niles knew what he was doing, is all I can say.
So even though everything you do feels wrong, sometimes it works out right. I'm not saying you should have kept the rescue kitty or that you should go get another right now. I'm just saying that it seems having a new cat felt wrong and not having one feels wrong to you. Listen to your inner voice. One of those "wrongs" is right. I just read this morning that it is only when the earth is quiet and still that the dew can settle on the plants and renew them. The same is true for us. We're all here for you as you make your decision or even if you just decide not to decide. It's all ok.
-Donna
p.s. I loved your poem. You captured the essence of loving a cat.