What Is The Right Way To Die? Options

[Nickys mom]

The past three weeks have been the hardest of my life. My sweet boy Nicky, a 14-year old rat terrier, has stage 4 lymphoma (masses on spleen and small intestine). He has suffered so much already. My husband pushed for chemo, and his ultrasound today shows it has all been to no avail. It is Monday and he hasn't eaten since Thursday. He has been at the ER vet since Saturday. Today his chemo doc said we could do a blood transfusion and try another type of chemo that has a 50-50 shot of buying him more time, another 6 mos. at most. He didn't say a word about Nicky's comfort or what he was likely feeling. His only comment on euthanizing was that "no one would look down on it." I honestly feel like my boy is nothing more than a number to him. I knew it after the first round of chemo when I drove to pick him up and asked about side effects and he couldn't be bothered to say anything more than "check the brochure." He even kept refering to Nicky as a she throughout the discussion of his disappointing ultrasound today.

This is killing me. Instead of having the end I wanted for him--the one his primary vet offered of coming out to our house to put him down--I've now put him in this horrible hell where he is resting in his own excrement (from persistent diarhea) in a cage surrounded by the whimpers of recovering patients with a bunch of tubes in him and high likelihood of dying without me by his side. When I visited him tonight his upper lip was stuck in a sad little grin because they hadn't given him enough water to keep his mouth wet (he has IV support). I keep bringing him fresh blankets and beds at every visit and wiping his rear as much as I can to minimize the filth but they only have visiting hours between 12 and 2 and 6 and 8. I can't believe how awful his life is right now. I begged my husband to make this stop but he seems just as resolved to see if the transfusion gives him enough energy to make it home and be with us for a day or two. There is bleeding in his GI tract that won't stop without the next round of chemo so I think he is fooling himself that our boy will ever make it through our front door. And what then--get better just to have more chemo? The transfusion is likely to take 2-3 days to show any improvement (if it will) which means more suffering regardless. This is no life. He is my dog--I had him before we were married and have taken him and paid for all visits, etc. through the years so I know I have power over his care. Yet I just can't bring myself to go behind husband's back and do this and I can't seem to get him to get on board with the reality that is happening. This afternoon the chemo doc told us transfusion or end it and that he would give us "a few moments" to decide. A precious few moments! I gave in and said transfusion. I'm so angry that I can't dig in and find the voice for my sweet boy who has none right now. I don't want to have to do this--my husband said how could I live with myself--but I don't know how I can live with myself already knowing what his past few days have been and little outlook for nothing but others just like them for the few days ahead with a 50-50 shot at some relief only to eventually face more.

The irony is that I'm the big animal lover and my husband is usually Mr. straightlaced lawyer. I never thought I'd be the one that wouldn't have the luxury of being the emotional one pleaing to take extraordinary measures. I'm a vegetarian, for crying out loud. I've volunteered for years at shelters. I actually met NIcky dog walking--the sweet way he would walk up every walkway to someone's front door and give a look back at me like "Is this where we're going?" absolutely stole my heart. I actually feel so guilty when I think of the shelter. I can't believe how much all of the money spent could have done for so many there. I feel sick and selfish when I think how much has been--and is being--spent. All from my savings, too, because I want to be sure my power over care isnt taken. I'll be working this back for years. But it just so different when you're looking at your own and feel like you have to do whatever you can. I've never said no.

I adopted Nicky at 10. He needed a lot of costly dental work and had been at the shelter for quite some time. Over the past few years, he's made it through a knee surgery, rupture of a disc in his neck, dog mauling from a stupid off-leash neighbor--I just can't seem to face that he's made it so far and there isn't any more fight to fight now.

I absolutely ache without him here. I slept with a heating pad near my leg last night and pretended it was him. I can't stand that there is nothing but miserable options no matter which way I turn.

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[smokey/lady/max]

Hi Nicky's Mom
I dont know where to start but I first want to say I am sending you an Angel to watch over your Sweet Nicky. Then to say my heart goes out to you peronally. Your story has touched me and really hit home. My max in Dec had the same diagnoses as your Nicky so I know how you are feeling. Let me first commence you on all your efford to save your precious baby. My situation was the opposite I wanted to try everything, we were told we could have surgery to remove the tumor and that max would probably need blood transfusions and then do chemo. If we didnt want to do that our vet said we could do steriods to buy some time. Of course I wanted to save my boy or atleast have more time. We were told just like you that she would give us a few minutes to decide and she left the room. I atleast wanted to do steroids and my husband was the one who was trying to be realistic and make me see what if he stoped eating in a week and all the what ifs. So in that few minutes that we had I on the opposite hand as you I said ok I dont want him to suffer and had him put to sleep. Afterwards I had all the, I killed him, I didnt give him a chance all those horrible feelings that comes after the fact. So there is no wrong or right way. I do want to say after reading your post and all that your Nicky is going through has made me realise If I had done all the things as you, I would still of had all the feelings that you are having putting them through all the treatment. So no matter what we choose we dont know what is right or wrong. Had I had more then a few minutes, I would have probably done the same thing as you. Our heart tells us one thing and our mind tells us another. All I know is that we cant stand to see them suffer nor can we stand the thought of loosing them. So I say to you and your husband I totally understand and you both are right in your feelings. I want to say my prayers are with you both and your sweet Nicky. I will pray that your Nicky isn't in alot of pain. If it comes down to you making a decision your heart will tell you when the time is right. God has a way of guiding us, and giving us the strength in difficult times. Please give your Nicky a kiss from me and I will ask my Angels Max, Dozer Lady and Smokey to watch over him. Please know that all of us here are thinking of you and your little boy. We all understand how hard it is to not want them to suffer and not wanting to let go either. Remember one thing, love really is never having to say your sorry, for whatever ever choice you make. Please keep us updated.

Sending you Big Cyber Hugs
xoxo
Anna and My Angels

P.S Here is somehting I wrote after my decision,

G- The GRIEF that I feel
U- The ULTIMATE sacrifice I made to free you of pain
I- All the what If's
L- The LOVE and LOYALITY I LOST
T- The TRUST you had in me, and how I let you down

After reading the type of Guilt you are feeling I would like to right this for you

G- The GREIF and Guilt you feel thinking all he has been through
U- The UNCONDITIONAL love you have for Nicky
I- IF you could only take away all his Pain
L- Cant bare the thought of LOOSING him
T- TRUSTING in your heart that you are doing the right thing

Just really doesnt seem that there is any write or wrong decision when it comes to our love for them.