I Miss My Dog Cleo So Much, How to cope with the departure Options

[Loci]

My name is Christine and I lost my dog, my child, my love on the eve of her 9th birthday. Cleo was an Australian Kelpie. My husband and I rescued her from a shelter when she was 10 weeks old. From the very beginning, poor Cleo was cursed with health problems. As a puppy, Cleo was diagnosed with a liver shunt. She went temporarily blind, her liver enzymes were out of whack, and she was having outrageous fevers for months. We were told her chances were small in making through the surgery. All these docs told us to put her down, but we just didn't have the heart to do so. Thousands of dollars later, we saved her life. The second we picked her up from the hospital, she was a brand new dog....but moreover, she was incredibly loyal. She knew we had saved her.

As she grew into a bigger dog, her personality just shone through. She was the kindest, sweetest, most obedient, loyal and loving animal I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. Every person that was fortunate to meet her knew she was a "one of a kind dog". She did so many activities, of which she loved the most, swimming, hiking, playing at the park and playing in the snow. Anywhere we'd go and we'd let her off leash. Dog owners were just in dismay of the loyalty and obedience Cleo possessed. On our daily walks or swims, people would stop and ask where we trained our dog.......we just told them that we invested our time and love and in turn she has always had this amazing disposition.

At the age of 5, Cleo was diagnosed with arthritis. We increased her time swimming to keep pressure off of her joints. We took her weekly, if not 2-3 times a week, to a rehabilitation facility with a pool and all. She was a super star there. In fact, she was so well behaved and loved there that when CBS evening news did a spot on the rehab facility, Cleo was chosen as one of 10 dogs to represent their facility. I couldn't have been more proud of my Cleo.

Two and a half years ago, our family grew and we had a little girl, Isabel. Everyone warned me that the love for my child would outgrow the love for my dog.....that my dog would take the back seat. But when my Isabel was born, my love for Cleo grew even deeper. It was true that I never felt this kind of love for another human in the way that I love my daughter, but my love for Cleo grew with that was well. Of course it was true that Cleo didn't get as much attention as she did before Izzy was born, but my husband and I made it a point to continue to take her out every single day and do the things she loved. In fact, Cleo was so attached to me ever since my 1st pregnancy. She followed me everywhere and in fact, she got me through the first three months of my post partum depression. Cleo would stay up with me all night long when I was getting up every half hour. She was by my side while I cried. She comforted me at my lowest points in my life. Cleo was the ONLY things that kept me going. No matter how I felt and how anxious I got or how I felt I couldn't go on, Cleo made me realize life was worth living. Her comfort, including her hugs and kisses, were so special to me and I treasured them. There wasn't a night that went by that I didn't kiss her good night and tell her what a wonderful dog she is!

Back in late January, Cleo got very sick. She was very lethargic. We thought it was her arthritis getting the best of her. We took her to the vet and the diagnosis we got was devastating. Her gums were pale and they said we needed to take her in right away. We took her to the teaching hospital where she received treatment and surgery for her liver shunt as a puppy because it was a lot cheaper there. They diagnosed her with IMHA. We were devastated. We learned as much as we could about this destructive auto immune disease. She did not have cancer or a parasitic infection, which placed her in the category with 65% of other dogs where the cause of her IMHA was unknown. This of course still haunts me as I want answers as to WHY she got sick. She was placed on prednisone/azothiaprine therapy, which suppressed her immune system. She responded well at first to therapy, and I had to drive her 1 1/2 hour one way every week to the teaching hospital with a toddler in tow to check her PCV, liver enzymes, etc. Those trips were tough. We finally got Cleo balanced on her meds and she stabilized. However, her activity was severely restricted due to the possibility of a pulmonary embolism. That was her death sentence. How could I not ever take her swimming or hiking again? I couldn't even take her on a walk to the park????? We were just beside ourselves, but Cleo kept her head up and was such a fighter. About 5 weeks ago, Cleo took a turn for the worse. She got a urinary tract infection and crashed. I ran her, with toddler in tow, to the hospital. We were there for 8 long hours. Long story short, she was admitted to the ICU that night. I never cried so hard in my life....or at least not up to that point. I thought we'd lose her for sure. We didn't get a call in the middle of the night, so that was good news. They called at 9am that morning that Cleo responded well to antibiotic and prednisone treatment and that she could come home. We were ever so happy! But was she? Last week, gosh......this is so hard...........my husband told me that he woke up and that Cleo wouldn't come downstairs. He left for work and when i got up, I noticed that Cleo had thrown up ALL over the house. I thought she ate something weird. Later that day, I took Izzy to see a movie because it was a chilly day and I wanted Cleo to rest up without a screaming toddler in the house. I regret going to that movie. When I got home, she had thrown up more. I called the vet. They said that she just needed anti-nausea meds, but that i should bring her in for the 1st dose so they could inject it so she wouldn't throw it up. I took her and I noticed her breathing wasn't right. The vet checked her and said her lungs were fine.....the proceeded to giver her fluids and the anti-nausea meds and sent us on our way. I kept telling the vet that I thought her breathing was off and the poor thing couldn't even STAND UP?!?!?!? She said it was due to her stomach issues. So I took Cleo and she was barely limping behind me. I paid for the visit and while most dogs would be running out the door to go home, Cleo just laid there. I knew something was wrong. I would have picked her up, except that she was a 50+ lb dog and I am pregnant again. So I just encouraged her to follow me........and then......she was stumbling in the parking lot. Just as we got to the car, I looked at her, she swayed once, she put her nose to the ground and collapsed under my car. I screamed for help. People in the parking lot scrambled and I started screaming and crying to save my dog. They got her on the stretcher and took her to ICU. They stabilized her....her PCV was fine, her liver was fine, but it looked that she had another infection. They said they'd have to keep her overnight. So I stayed with her for another half hour or so in ICU just petting her and telling her how much I loved her. Her breathing was still very labored and didn't seem right to me. I left to go home. My husband I cried, but knew she was a fighter. I went to bed around 8:50pm that night and I distinctly remember telling my husband that Cleo was coming home in the morning because she is a fighter and that she always makes it. Just as I said that, the fateful call came in. I will never forget it. My husband answered and I could hear the vet say "Cleo is not doing good". She had gone into septic shock. We rushed to the hsp. We saw here there and she lifted her head to greet us, which she hadn't done all night according to the vet. I held her face in my hands and kissed her so many, many times and told her what a good girl she was and that i loved her so much. She looked at me and laid her head back down. That was the last time I would ever hold her! They said they could try a transfusion. Of course, I said "do whatever you can to save her life", but my husband was more realistic "even if she does make it, what kind of life will she have". But I didn't care. I wanted my dog, my child back in my arms in the morning. I couldn't say goodbye yet. It was her BIRTHDAY the next day and she was only going to be 9!!!!!! She had many years ahead of her in my mind......she had to move with us into our new house the following week......she had to be there when the new baby arrives. We drive back home......at 11pm we got the news that the transfusion did not work and it was time to say good bye. This is where I feel the most amount of guilt and shame. I couldn't go. I couldn't go say goodbye to her. I couldn't get it through my mind that she was leaving us. I gave my husband her blanket and her favorite toy. I sat there and was so out of control upset that I didn't know what to do. I know I just saw her, but because of my pregnancy, I was afraid that being there would tear me apart to the point where I was afraid for my baby's well being. But I know she needed me. I was there through EVERY treatment, through EVERY one of her pains and I saw her through EVERY crash when we almost lost her due to this STUPID disease. It emotionally tore me apart, yet I couldn't even go to hold her when she passed. It haunts me every day that she was looking for me. It tears me apart that I didn't get to tell her that I lover her. I cry morning, noon and night and I cannot function without her. It pains me even more to know how much she was suffering over the past 4 months, but she wouldn't even allude to any pain that she was going through.

Here I sit in my new, beautiful house. Ready to bring a new baby into this world. Raising my wonderful daughter. Yet I cannot get past the pain of the guilt and the pain of losing my "1st child". She meant the world to me. I loved her with every thing I am. I miss her. I miss how close we were. Cleo was the most affectionate dog. She would give hugs and kisses. She would smile. She would love us incredibly and I challenge any person to tell me that animals don't have the capacity to love. I cannot even put into words the relationship I shared with this incredible animal and now I don't know how to go on without her.

[karen - casey]

Hi Christine,

I know how you feel, as I received that call today telling me that Shelby's remains are ready to be picked up. My husband will go and get her - for some reason I am not able to pick her up. When my husband brought Casey home, it gave me a feeling of peace - like he was home where he belongs. Hopefully you will feel the same way about Cleo and me with my Shelby. It is so hard to tell with these emotions what we will feel - it's a roller coaster to say the least. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Take care.

Karen - Angel Shelby and Angel Casey

I wanted to add that I truly believe we will be reunited with our fur-kids someday.

[Loci]

Oh Karen, I really hope I feel like that too. A part of me wants her home so badly. Another part of me sees how final this all is. Such a beautiful creature now confined to this urn. But.....I have to realize it is just her body.....nothing more, nothing less. Just a shell....a sick body that has no use for this world anymore. Her spirit is all around me and I hope I will feel some of that when I "see" her.

Thanks for your response. It means so much!!!
-Christine

I Christine,

I know how you feel, as I received that call today telling me that Shelby's remains are ready to be picked up. My husband will go and get her - for some reason I am not able to pick her up. When my husband brought Casey home, it gave me a feeling of peace - like he was home where he belongs. Hopefully you will feel the same way about Cleo and me with my Shelby. It is so hard to tell with these emotions what we will feel - it's a roller coaster to say the least. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Take care.

Karen - Angel Shelby and Angel Casey