Guilt For Life Options

[xrayspex]

Hello all. I am John. It took me about a week to get here. It was not because of fear or anything like that, it is because I was ashamed......because of guilt I would have to publically admit if I did. I let my little furbaby Angel suffer for 5 days when I should have let her go much sooner. It will be clear to see once I spin the yarn.

On the day before my wife`s birthday my little albino fert (short for ferret...it`s easier to type...honestly) was put down by our vet after a terrible 5 day struggle with a cancer that was not detected until far too late. Angel was a furbaby that came into our lives after our 8 year old fert Abigail died of old age. Abigails picture is on my avatar and is the silver fert. The other fert is Chase who at the tender age of 4 died mysteriously in her cage. Angel should have never been allowed to suffer those 5 days but she did and here is how I did it.

After being diagnosed with the cancer the options were dismal. We tried a conventional treatment (prednisone) that is recommended for this type of cancer and also they gave us a morphine based medication for her pain and medication to settle her tummy. The whole medication thing was a disaster. The prednisone made her so sick that she stopped eating almost completely. She would only take food in little tiny bits and only if you hand fed her. This was the beginning of the end (in my flawed human opinion) for you see it really should have been the end but I could not see it......could not admit it. If ferrets or any animal this small misses a couple of meals it is pretty much a death sentence for the creature. Angel missed a little more than a couple of meals after the medication fiasco and began to slowly fade away.

This is where I should have let her go. I know how this works. I am on fert #5 now. How much exposure to the cycle of life in these small frail animals must I endure before I "get it" We took Angel off her prednisone and began to hand feed her little by little while giving her the prescribed morphine doses. The food just wasn't enough but we hung on to her. She got thinner and thinner, could hardly walk but each morning we awoke she was there to greet us. The little tyke could hardly lift her head. The life light had gone out in her eyes. It was only then after 5 days of torture I realized what I had to do.

I cried my eyes out all the way to the vet. The vet was swift in relieving Angel of the burden of life. We took her home and she is now buried in that special place in our backyard when not so long ago there was only one fert there.....and now Angel makes 3. I knew even after 1 day.....the first day, I should have taken her to the vet. I prolonged that creatures suffering in an ill conceived attempt to lengthen her life when I KNEW THAT CREATURE WAS GOING TO DIE.

It is because of this act that I now feel guilt. My selfishness caused her more pain in her life than if I had just let the Creator run the show. My payment is the guilt I will feel every time I think of those 5 days. I do not wish to "get over it" or "forgive myself" or any other crazy notion and will want or even "need" to feel that guilt when I revisit that time through the mind’s eye. If you think that I am a martyr or enjoy tormenting myself I assure you this is not the case.

I have experienced that I learn much better from dismal mistakes than easy success. I believe we are tasked by a Higher Authority to take care of that which cannot take care of itself. In the realm of the domestic creatures don't you indeed find it odd there are people that announce themselves as "cat people or "dog people" or some kind of person who claims a favourite domestic pet? I just happen to be chosen to be a "ferret guardian" by higher but I won't be a good one if I don't stop playing God and persist in using "frail human knowledge" to hang onto some poor creature whose time has simply come to pass on this earth

I dream of being a ferret foster or ferret rescue. I need that guilt to remind me that I am just the guardian of these creatures, NOT THE KEEPER, and I never have been or shall be the Keeper. There is only one Keeper. In a rescue or foster situation love must be tempered with spirituality in order to best serve the little creature. I want my Creator to know that I have learned through this experience. That I deserve to be the guardian of such a fine (and really friggin cute!) animal like my beloved ferrets.

Remember there is such a thing as good guilt
Guilt is pain and pain is the great teacher
I will not let this little creature down again....but knowing my human frailties and my intense love for the ferret I`m sure my Creator will no doubt have to pick me up and put me back together again when I lose another fert. It can be difficult emotionally when dealing with frail creatures that have a short life cycle. I see more losses than in the cat and dog world. Death comes knocking at the door more frequently. My Higher Authority must know however that I am trying my very best to "let go". I have been gifted with many incredibly bright and lovable ferrets. He must know for certain that I am worthy of being a ferret guardian or I would not have been picked to be one!

[Jon730]

About one hour ago, we went through the exact thing. See the Murphy Thread.

Murphy had cancer, metastatic squamous cell carcinoma. I dug the grave on May 1.
A couple of days later, she had a rally. Today, the vet told me this is not at all unusual.
She began to eat, walk, and purr when petted.
We stole ten extra days in which to tell her we loved her, and thank her for the fifteen years.
This morning, it all unravelled. She could no longer stand or walk or eat.
It's over. We had hoped she'd sleep and be content and die peacefully at home.

But today I had to talk to my wife, and say, "We are keeping her here for US, now, not for her. There will be no more good days."

So I feel guilty, but only about five days' worth. She should have gone at the happiest peak of her rally, not beyond it on the slide down.

This is a very sad household at the moment.

At the very instant of diagnosis of fatal metastatic cancer, I let Miles go. I am not happy about that, but wish I had done it with Murphy. It would have been better than writing fictional hopeful endings and let her struggle trying to stand or walk like she did today.

I agree. the next time, there will be no hesitation.