Unanswered Questions, Am I wrong to keep looking for answers? Options

[CharliesMom]

After a relatively good day yesterday, I woke this morning feeling angry and frustrated. To explain, my Charlie supposedly died from complications of kidney failure at a relatively young age, just a week and a day shy of his 9th birthday. This occurred last Friday (March 12), but when I first took him to the vet on Feb. 9 he really didn't seem that ill. He was a little off his food and seemed a bit lethargic, but it really didn't appear all that serious. Anyway, the vet took some blood and called back the next day to inform me that Charlie's BUN/creatinine was elevated and I should hospitalize him for a couple of days to rehydrate him and attempt to 'restart' his kidneys. After two days he was released and seemed so much better, he was eating, had loads of energy, etc. Then, within days, he started getting weak again, so I rushed him back to the vet's and they hospitalized him for another 3 days. When I picked him up that time, however, he was in very poor shape, refusing to eat, losing weight, extremely weak, et al. Over the next couple of weeks I must have run him back to the vet half a dozen times and finally got so frustrated that I made an appointment to see a specialist the morning of March 12. The specialist did a lot of tests and basically concluded that Charlie's kidneys were badly atrophied, had probably been failing for some time, and he likely had no more than weeks to live. Still reelinig from the shock of such news, I took Charlie home and within a couple of hours he had a seizure, which the specialist later said was probably a massive stroke, and died.

What still doesn't make sense, however, is why a relatively young dog became so ill so quickly and died of an illness which usually takes months to years to reach end stage. His BUN from Feb. 9 was over 100 (normal is around 25), but his creatinine was barely over 2 (normal is 2 or less). After that first rehydration/hospitalizaztion, his BUN was down to 48 and his creatinine, though still not normal, had also dropped a bit And yet, in spite of daily subcutaneous fluid administration at home, in spite of constant care and dozens of phone calls and visits with vets, in spite of $4,000 in veterinary bills, the poor little guy is gone. It just doesn't make any sense to me.

I want to find out what happened. Even though it can't bring my darling boy back (Oh, if only it could!) I never, never, NEVER want to go through anythinig like this again and after forking out that much cash, I think I'm entitled to a few answers. I phoned both the specialist and my regular vet this morning and though neither is in today, I left messages for both to call me back.

So here's my question: am I tilting at windmills? Am I merely prolonging the agony with all this probing? I'm quite sure I'll never get either my own vet or the specialist to admit to any errors (doctors, you know - human or veterinary, they're alike when it comes to accepting blame) but I nevertheless feel compelled to pursue it. I understand all the stages of grief. I've been through the denial (I couldn't accept that Charlie might die until the very day he did) and am probably in the midst of anger and/or bargaining, but I still feel like I really need to know how and why my baby died. Have any of you been through anything like this, and if so, how did you deal with it?

Barbara

[Westiesam/Sharon]

Hi Barbara
I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time about Charile -- I know how much you miss him -- as much as I miss my Sammy. I wish you peace and want to tell you to please be kind to yourself. It sounds like you did the very best you could for your dear Charlie. He was lucky to have you for a mom. It's been so soon since he left you -- it's still so raw for you. Please don't beat yourself up about your care of him. I truly believe he knows that everything you did --you did out of your immense love for him. My prayers are with you.
Sharon