Unanswered Questions, Am I wrong to keep looking for answers? Options

[CharliesMom]

After a relatively good day yesterday, I woke this morning feeling angry and frustrated. To explain, my Charlie supposedly died from complications of kidney failure at a relatively young age, just a week and a day shy of his 9th birthday. This occurred last Friday (March 12), but when I first took him to the vet on Feb. 9 he really didn't seem that ill. He was a little off his food and seemed a bit lethargic, but it really didn't appear all that serious. Anyway, the vet took some blood and called back the next day to inform me that Charlie's BUN/creatinine was elevated and I should hospitalize him for a couple of days to rehydrate him and attempt to 'restart' his kidneys. After two days he was released and seemed so much better, he was eating, had loads of energy, etc. Then, within days, he started getting weak again, so I rushed him back to the vet's and they hospitalized him for another 3 days. When I picked him up that time, however, he was in very poor shape, refusing to eat, losing weight, extremely weak, et al. Over the next couple of weeks I must have run him back to the vet half a dozen times and finally got so frustrated that I made an appointment to see a specialist the morning of March 12. The specialist did a lot of tests and basically concluded that Charlie's kidneys were badly atrophied, had probably been failing for some time, and he likely had no more than weeks to live. Still reelinig from the shock of such news, I took Charlie home and within a couple of hours he had a seizure, which the specialist later said was probably a massive stroke, and died.

What still doesn't make sense, however, is why a relatively young dog became so ill so quickly and died of an illness which usually takes months to years to reach end stage. His BUN from Feb. 9 was over 100 (normal is around 25), but his creatinine was barely over 2 (normal is 2 or less). After that first rehydration/hospitalizaztion, his BUN was down to 48 and his creatinine, though still not normal, had also dropped a bit And yet, in spite of daily subcutaneous fluid administration at home, in spite of constant care and dozens of phone calls and visits with vets, in spite of $4,000 in veterinary bills, the poor little guy is gone. It just doesn't make any sense to me.

I want to find out what happened. Even though it can't bring my darling boy back (Oh, if only it could!) I never, never, NEVER want to go through anythinig like this again and after forking out that much cash, I think I'm entitled to a few answers. I phoned both the specialist and my regular vet this morning and though neither is in today, I left messages for both to call me back.

So here's my question: am I tilting at windmills? Am I merely prolonging the agony with all this probing? I'm quite sure I'll never get either my own vet or the specialist to admit to any errors (doctors, you know - human or veterinary, they're alike when it comes to accepting blame) but I nevertheless feel compelled to pursue it. I understand all the stages of grief. I've been through the denial (I couldn't accept that Charlie might die until the very day he did) and am probably in the midst of anger and/or bargaining, but I still feel like I really need to know how and why my baby died. Have any of you been through anything like this, and if so, how did you deal with it?

Barbara

[moon_beam]

Hi, Barbara, please permit me to offer you my sincerst sympathies in the loss of your beloved Charlie. Losing a beloved companion is never easy regardless of the circumstances or how long we have been blessed with the privilege of their company. Yes, I can so relate to your "unanswered questions." My precious kitty daughter, Abbygayle, was diagnosed with Stage III Fibrosarcoma last July 2009. In December 2009 she underwent her third surgery to remove recurring tumor nodules. From that point forward the cancer continued to take over her sweet body, and on Monday, March 15, she went home to the angels under the loving supervision of her vet PCP. I have had to surrender other precious furkids to the angels from end stage renal failure and other types of cancer, but this was my first encounter with Fibrosarcoma and had not a clue as to what to expect. X-rays taken on March 9 showed no evidence that the cancer had invaded her bones or was metastasizing in other areas of her body. Yet - - she had stopped eating and her body was becoming increasingly uncomfortable. I thought that I would request a necropsy to try to get some "answers" as to why all of this suddenly arose within a 2 week time frame. When I took her to the vet on Monday evening it was apparent that she was ready to be released from her body, and it was obvious that the cancer was the primary reason. But not to take anything for granted I asked the vet if the scenario of events was normal for Fibrosarcoma, and without hesitating she looked straight into my eyes and very compassionately said, "Yes, when it is the vigorus form of Fibro, which apparently is what your precious Abbygayle is suffering from." That was enough of an explanation for me - - so I passed on asking for a necropsy.

I do so understand your need for answers. It is part of what helps with the healing process. Unfortunately our furkids are so adept at hiding how badly they feel - - until they can no longer do that - - that by the time they reveal how badly they are feeling the disease process has already taken a foothold on their precious bodies. And please believe me when I say I truly, honestly believe that nothing you did for your precious Charlie contributed to his death. The last two weeks of Abbygayle's life was shared with frequent vet visits to try to figure out why she had so suddenly stopped eating - - her kidney values were well within normal ranges. This horrible grief journey is filled with so many different emotions at any given time, and there is no "set pattern" or "rhyme or reason" to the immense loss that fills our hearts and lives.

I do so hope that you will find support, comfort, and encouragement from each of us that will help you through your grief journey, Barbara. One of the most important things for you to remember is that you are NOT alone in your journey. Each of us are here for you for as long as often as you need us. Please know you are close in my thoughts and prayers.

Peace and blessings,
moon_beam

[CharliesMom]

Thank you all so much. It's been a fairly dark day in spite of the sun shining brightly outdoors (we're supposed to get snow tomorrow, which will better match my mood). Tomorrow will be one whole week since Charlie died and the day after that is his birthday, or what would have been his birthday. I loved that little dog so much. Just the sight of him could cheer me up and I think it's only just getting through to me that I'll never see that sweet face again. I think you're all right, though. I'm in the 'second-guessing' or 'if only' stage of grieving, but I just feel so incredibly angry sometimes that I don't know what to do with myself. It's just that I've had so many horrible, rotten things happen in my life. I've been through a divorce, I've been diagnosed with two serious, incurable illnesses, and I've witnessed the pain of my only son when his wife of thee years left him for a man who wasn't 1/10 the man my son is. But as much as all that hurt, none hurt as bad as losing Charlie. Maybe that sounds crazy, but that little dog meant so much to me and I can't understand why he had to suffer so much in his final weeks or why he had to be taken from me so soon. I'm not someone who cries easily. If I was, maybe I could cope with this more easily, but instead it just festers inside until it feels like I'm about to explode. Anyway, thank you all for giving me an opportunity to vent. It's a dark day but it does help to write it all down and your responses do help to lift a little of the burden from my heart.

Barbara