Unanswered Questions, Am I wrong to keep looking for answers? Options

[CharliesMom]

After a relatively good day yesterday, I woke this morning feeling angry and frustrated. To explain, my Charlie supposedly died from complications of kidney failure at a relatively young age, just a week and a day shy of his 9th birthday. This occurred last Friday (March 12), but when I first took him to the vet on Feb. 9 he really didn't seem that ill. He was a little off his food and seemed a bit lethargic, but it really didn't appear all that serious. Anyway, the vet took some blood and called back the next day to inform me that Charlie's BUN/creatinine was elevated and I should hospitalize him for a couple of days to rehydrate him and attempt to 'restart' his kidneys. After two days he was released and seemed so much better, he was eating, had loads of energy, etc. Then, within days, he started getting weak again, so I rushed him back to the vet's and they hospitalized him for another 3 days. When I picked him up that time, however, he was in very poor shape, refusing to eat, losing weight, extremely weak, et al. Over the next couple of weeks I must have run him back to the vet half a dozen times and finally got so frustrated that I made an appointment to see a specialist the morning of March 12. The specialist did a lot of tests and basically concluded that Charlie's kidneys were badly atrophied, had probably been failing for some time, and he likely had no more than weeks to live. Still reelinig from the shock of such news, I took Charlie home and within a couple of hours he had a seizure, which the specialist later said was probably a massive stroke, and died.

What still doesn't make sense, however, is why a relatively young dog became so ill so quickly and died of an illness which usually takes months to years to reach end stage. His BUN from Feb. 9 was over 100 (normal is around 25), but his creatinine was barely over 2 (normal is 2 or less). After that first rehydration/hospitalizaztion, his BUN was down to 48 and his creatinine, though still not normal, had also dropped a bit And yet, in spite of daily subcutaneous fluid administration at home, in spite of constant care and dozens of phone calls and visits with vets, in spite of $4,000 in veterinary bills, the poor little guy is gone. It just doesn't make any sense to me.

I want to find out what happened. Even though it can't bring my darling boy back (Oh, if only it could!) I never, never, NEVER want to go through anythinig like this again and after forking out that much cash, I think I'm entitled to a few answers. I phoned both the specialist and my regular vet this morning and though neither is in today, I left messages for both to call me back.

So here's my question: am I tilting at windmills? Am I merely prolonging the agony with all this probing? I'm quite sure I'll never get either my own vet or the specialist to admit to any errors (doctors, you know - human or veterinary, they're alike when it comes to accepting blame) but I nevertheless feel compelled to pursue it. I understand all the stages of grief. I've been through the denial (I couldn't accept that Charlie might die until the very day he did) and am probably in the midst of anger and/or bargaining, but I still feel like I really need to know how and why my baby died. Have any of you been through anything like this, and if so, how did you deal with it?

Barbara

[janika]

Dear Barbara
I can so understand why you want answers. I know our circumstances are quite different as Noushka was an elderly dog at 13, but apart from being like a dear old lady a little slow, but still enjoying life , she was fine until a week before she finally left me, alone and at the vets being treated for pneumonia. I was told when I left her there that she would be hospitalised for up to 10 days but that the condition was treatable. Early the next morning the vet rang and told me my precious girl hadn't made it through the night. First it was the shock, then the denial, then as you say the anger and then all the questions. Why, did it happen, how could she be fine one week and gone the next, what really took her from me. Then the guilt, that I had left her there and hadn't been with her at the end.
I do hope that your Vet and your Specailist can give you some answers. They are the experts, even though I know at times we all question their actions and even their ability when we entrust the care of our precious fur babies to them. This happened to our dear Westie, Frosti at the same age when she suffered 'Acute' kidney failure. It happened quite suddenly and caused irreparable damage. She was euthanised when it became clear that she would not recover, too much damage had been done. My poor Mum had to make that decision, as she was her precious darling dog. All I can say is that your dear Charlie was given every chance by your caring and vigilence, your constant returns to the vets and your watching him for any signs of illness. And he was with you at the end too, he took away the dreadful possibility of you having to decide his fate. He was were he would want to be with his loving Mom. I know that won't take away the pain of losing him, nothing can do that. It is so unfair that their precious lifes have to be so short.
Please know that I am thinking of you.

Love Jan

[CharliesMom]

Thank you, Donna and Jan. Another thing I learned after the fact was that my vet's office is not staffed at night. In other words, Charlie and all the other animals who were hospitalized there were not monitored at all after office hours. Apparently this is quite common, but in the last night of Charlie's last hospitalization (according to the vet's records) his IV came loose so he didn't get any fluids that night. Unsurprisinigly, his kidney values were much higher the following morning. That makes me very angry because if I had known that Charlie, who was so sick and so scared, would be left in a cage all night on his own, I would have either moved him to a fully staffed veterinary hospital like Alameda East, or brought him home sooner rather than put him through all that stress. I regret that second hospitalization most of all, because they returned him to me in worse shape than when I left him.

On a conscious, rational level, I know that Charlie probably had kidney issues for a long time, even though he never really showed any signs. He was always a big water drinker, from puppyhood onward, and he had a long history of G.I. upsets, but the vet had always put that down to a sensitive tummy and treated it with carafate which usually cleared it up in a day or two. I didn't notice any increase in urination or increased thirst. His only symptoms seemed to be that he was really tired and didn't like to go on walks any more. That is, he was always excited about the idea of a walk, but after a block or so he would slow down and seem to struggle. He wasn't eating as well as usual either. He was eating, just not with any great enthusiasm, so I took him to the vet to find out what was going on. The specialist at Alameda East, where I took him that last day, did say that Charlie was suffering from chronic kidney failure which she believed had been compensated for over a long period of time. She also said that she thought he had a few weeks left, if not months provided we could get his blood pressure under control, and seemed very shocked when I called her back to tell her he had died that afternoon.

What I can't help wondering is if all the tests I put him through, coupled with two very stressful hospitalizations, in less than a week and a half didn't contribute to a chronic condition becoming acute enough to kill him. In my eagerness to try to save him, I can't help wondering if I contributed to his death and that's what's haunting me now. His 9th birthday is this Saturday. I so wanted him to live until his birthday, and get him to the point where he could enjoy food, just once more. I hope I didn't rob him of that. I hope I didn't push him so hard that he died from sheer stress. Then again, he likely had nothing left but unable misery. At least he was spared that. At least he died at home and I was with him at the end. That is some comfort, but it really doesn't feel very comfortable right now.

Thanks for your understanding. This is such a great place to vent. Everybody here understands, don't they?

Barbara