My Girl Is Gone Options

[greyghost751]

Last Friday after an 8 month battle with the unknown I had to put my Jess to sleep. She was a beautiful 9 year old border collie and meant the world to me. I had done my very best to look after her and make sure that no harm came to her but in the end there was not much else I could do. I took her to the vet on Friday morning and after checking her over she said that she wanted to admit her and do an ultrasound. At 12:30pm the vet called and said that there was cancer pretty much everywhere in her body.

The last 3 days she didn't really have any energy and had also gone off her food. I had said to the vet that morning that I did not want her to suffer. The vet gave me the options to have her for the weekend, take it day by day or to end her suffering that day. I did not hesitate and said end it now, I went down early to play with Jess with her ball the best that she could and to give her some tummy rubs. She had labored breathing due to the cancer and by the looks found it hard to lay down because of the pain, she also had a lot of pain when she needed to go also. The nurses asked if I was ready and I said yes, the vet came in and we talked a bit. Jess of course just wanted out as she always did at the vet, she had many visits over her time and it wasn't her favorite place. We got Jess to sit down and the vet administered the drug as she sat next to me and I patted her, it happened so fast as she was then at peace. I patted her for a few minutes after and then said goodbye to her and left.

After that I drove home and called my wife and told her she was gone, she came home to comfort me, I pretty much feel apart over the next 4 days. Jess was my dog and I had her well before I met my wife and we had kids. She was a big spoiled dog back then and well over weight due to me giving her to many treats we sorted that out and got her down to a perfect weight for many years.

I think I have gone through most of the emotions that I have read about but keep coming back to guilt and regret. My thinking was that when she passed that she would not be stressed and that I would be as calm as I possible could so as not to distress her. The problem is that I feel guilty that I didn't do enough for her when it happened. I keep thinking to myself that I should have said the words goodbye and hugged her and not just patted her. My wife said to me that just being there for her was all Jess would have wanted. I just keep beating myself up over it I can't help it. She meant so much to me and I miss her so much, I have pictures of her every where. My wife bought a lovely wooden box which I keep her things in, it sits next to me in my office. When I get her ashes back this week the ashes will be there too.

I know this is long but I feel I just need some extra support to help me through this. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

J

[AngelBear'sLuv]

Dear Greyghost, I know how much you are missing your dear K9 soulmate, Jess. I'm so sorry for your great loss. I'm a little over a year into dealing with the loss of my girl of 9 years. When I don't think about her, I'm ok. But when I do think of her - which is still all the time because I'm always driving past the areas we used to walk all over town - I fall apart inside. I wrestle with anger that I lost her so fast and so relatively young. I'm filled with dread that I'll never see her again, except in pictures. We brought her home as a puppy for the kids, but she ended up being my girl, my best friend, and constant companion. She always got me through life's tough times and easily put a smile on my face. She was the happy center of the family, "the baby", and her cheerful presence carried my kids from the 'tween years into adulthood. She represented all those great years together. Now my kids have gone off to school and Abbey is gone forever. It's like the end of an era. So I know what you are going through. The void is immense, a lot like losing a human friend or family member. All we can do is get through one day at a time. Try to stop beating yourself up with guilt. We did the best we could given the immense stress and circumstances we were under. There is no right and wrong way. Jess absolutely knows how much you loved her and cared for her. Dogs are incredibly intuitive like that. She enjoyed every day you had together, and that's what she lived for. Because of you, she had a wonderful life. It takes incredible strength and courage for us to do what we had to do. It's our incredible love for them that gives us this superhuman strength and calm in their last moments. The guilt and regret creeps in after that power-bubble pops - when its over. Please do not look back with doubt or regret. Just with gratitude for your happy times together. That's what Jess really wants from you and for you the most.

[greyghost751]

Dear Greyghost, I know how much you are missing your dear K9 soulmate, Jess. I'm so sorry for your great loss. I'm a little over a year into dealing with the loss of my girl of 9 years. When I don't think about her, I'm ok. But when I do think of her - which is still all the time because I'm always driving past the areas we used to walk all over town - I fall apart inside. I wrestle with anger that I lost her so fast and so relatively young. I'm filled with dread that I'll never see her again, except in pictures. We brought her home as a puppy for the kids, but she ended up being my girl, my best friend, and constant companion. She always got me through life's tough times and easily put a smile on my face. She was the happy center of the family, "the baby", and her cheerful presence carried my kids from the 'tween years into adulthood. She represented all those great years together. Now my kids have gone off to school and Abbey is gone forever. It's like the end of an era. So I know what you are going through. The void is immense, a lot like losing a human friend or family member. All we can do is get through one day at a time. Try to stop beating yourself up with guilt. We did the best we could given the immense stress and circumstances we were under. There is no right and wrong way. Jess absolutely knows how much you loved her and cared for her. Dogs are incredibly intuitive like that. She enjoyed every day you had together, and that's what she lived for. Because of you, she had a wonderful life. It takes incredible strength and courage for us to do what we had to do. It's our incredible love for them that gives us this superhuman strength and calm in their last moments. The guilt and regret creeps in after that power-bubble pops - when its over. Please do not look back with doubt or regret. Just with gratitude for your happy times together. That's what Jess really wants from you and for you the most.

thanks AngelBear'sLuv for the lovely words, I nearly burst into tears when I read your post.
J