Rocky, Lost our cat Options

[Dave]

Just wanted to tell you about my cat Rocky, he had undiagnosed heart disease and suffered a blood clot(Saddle Thrombus).
He was 13.

He suddenly dragged his back legs around and was in a lot of pain. We elected to have treatment at the vets to see if he could recover. He was in the vets for 2 days but died there.

He had a tooth extracted when he was 11, he had blood tests and follow up but nothing was found.

He missed his last annual check up, he used to get very stressed travelling and i thought he was fine after the previous blood tests xrays etc. He seemed healthy and happy.
I know now that this was a devastating mistake and one that will live with me forever.
I can't get over it though, it's a thought that never leaves my brain. Why didn't I take him to be checked? They may have found a murmur and we would have then had him scanned and medicated.
Maybe he would still be here? At least we would have known.

He showed a subtle change the night before he had the clot when he wouldn't initially come in for dinner, but he came in and ate as normal. He didn't display any symptoms as far as I could tell.

His brother Ziggy was scanned because of the genetic link to the disease, but thankfully was clear.

The vet said that HCM is tough to treat in cats and has variable outcomes. I wonder how he would have dealt with the multiple vet visits and the meds and the stress that would have meant for him. He got lots of treats as well and would have had to give them up.

The thing is, this happened on 25th July, 6 and a half months ago. I am disabled so I have long days of thinking, crying and regret. I spend way too much time on the internet researching what we could have done.

Two months after his passing, my girlfriend's brother had to give up his cat as he was moving and cats protection wouldn't take her, she is 5. We took her in and I believe her life will be much better with us as she was underweight and had had a tough start to life.(She even got her first ever scratch post!)
My girlfriend has a busy job and I think has found it easier to deal with being busy.
He was such a HUGE part of my life, and I'm still struggling to cope. He was my guy and I let him down.
If we had done everything for him and he had died I think it would have been easier to accept(probably not but it feels that way), but it's the regret and the guilt that still hurts so much.

I think my girlfriend is concerned that I haven't moved on at all(although some days are better than others), and maybe is a bit worried that I'm getting a little depressed. I try to pretend that today was a good day when she comes home but sometimes the eyes give you away.
It was suggested that it might help to write things down and maybe have some counselling.
I am a little embarrassed to post this as I find it hard to put out my feelings.
Thanks for reading and understanding.

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[madi]

Hi Dave, I am so sorry for your loss of Rocky, I understand how you are feeling because I went through the same thing. I sought treatment and was seemingly getting on with life, but at the 6 month stage of my recovery I had a relapse that nearly finished me. I didn't know what to do because I was already receiving treatment and I thought, where do I go from here? I found this site with all these understanding people on it, who had already walked that dreadful mile in my shoes, so I posted and received not only the help I needed, but I also met some of the most wonderful people in the world who I am now proud to have as friends.
We ALL seem to possess this awful feeling of guilt and regret that hinders our recovery, it lurks in the background like an unwelcome guest, it's destructive and it is one of the hardest things in my opinion to deal with. Just by reading your story, I can see you are a dedicated pet lover who really loved and took care of your darling Rocky so very well, just like I loved and took care of my most precious Ulriich to the best of my ability.
Your Rocky looks like my cat Zelda, all black and quite fluffy, she is really my grand daughters cat, but has been here for 14 months now and I don't think I could part with her, even though she does say she wants her back. Ulriich and Zelda were great mates. I'm glad you have taken in your girlfriend's brother's cat, sounds like that lucky cat has landed on it's feet. I hope you stay here and talk with us often, it is healing to talk to people who truly understand where you're coming from I think. Sending love and hugs to you Dave xx

madi xx