Can't Breathe, My little soulmate has had to be let go. Options

[Tatem'sMama]

3 days ago, or was it 4….. I granted my furry soul mate the end to the suffering I could see and feel she needed. Tatem was my 13-year-old cat who had struggled through out her life with health and behavioral issues. I am convinced the universe gave her to me because I understood her issues and in fact mirrored many of them. Over the past weeks leading us to Christmas we were struggling though another round of severe and chronic sinusitis (the only humor to be found in the situation was that I was recovering from my 6th sinus surgery in 4 years because I have chronic sinusitis). My poor baby had snot pouring out her little nose and just before Christmas she quit eating completely. Not being able to smell a thing there was no tempting her with ham, or tuna, or even the salsa she so loved.

The vet on call said to have her put down but because I needed time and didn’t care for him I waited until our vet came back from the holidays. When my husband and I took Tatem in our vet though my baby would recover fine if we had a feeding tube put into the side of her neck. It sounded like a simple enough procedure so we signed off and agreed to come back in a few hours to pick her up. As we drove away I had what could best be described as a panic attack. It was wrong, all wrong to do the feeding tube. I knew it was. But husband reminded me the vet thought she would be fine and how wonderful it would be if she did make a full recovery. I tried to relax and ignored my intuition.

When we returned to pick her up she was hunched up funny in her box making it was hard to get a good look at her. As sweet as my baby was with me at home she had a whole Dr Jekall/Mr Hyde routine she pulled at the vets. She was the center of my heart but wow, she truly became demon spawn she was so scared at the vets. In any case there was no way to get a good look at her while we were still in “that place”.

Once home I got her settled I noticed she looked a little funny but thought she was just hunched up because she was upset. Then we attempted her first feeding though the tube. It was a disaster. Food was shooting out all over the place…. Disgusting and scary. I knew something must be wrong but I decided to let her settle a little more.
The next time I saw her she looked like a pillow with legs.

In a panic I called our vet only to discover they don’t have anyone on call after hours so we had to go to the local (and very expensive) VCA Vet hospital. One look at her and she was rushed into the back for x-rays. An hour (or 50 years) later they came in to show us x-rays that showed several inches of air under her skin, in her stomach, and chest cavity. Even now thinking about those images makes it hard to breathe for me. My baby was suffering so.

After checking the feeding tube they decided that was not the source of the air and they came to tell us they though her trachea had been ripped when she had been intubated for the surgery. They told us they wanted to keep her hospitalized for several days to see if it healed and if not they wanted to perform an exploratory surgery to find the rip and close it. It would have cost thousands.

And then I looked into her eyes as she lay trembling on that horrible stainless steel table. Those eyes that had shown me so much love were pleading with me to end her suffering. As my heart broke I signed the paperwork to have her put to sleep. She purred a little between gasps for air as we said goodbye. I know it was the right choice, but I couldn’t help but feel guilty for putting her though all the extra pain with the feeding tube debacle. She deserved so much better than that.

And I can’t help but think it would have been easier to not have had the hope that she would make it only to have it end so badly.

To compound matters further when I spoke to our vet the following day she told me she never intubated Tatem. What ever the source of the air was could not have been the tear the emergency vey was so sure of. Now they are investigating what caused this bizarre reaction and I can’t help but wonder if they caught the cause to begin with if she could have been saved. And I wonder if we will ever know what caused it.

Now my husband and I are rattling around in a little house that feels unbearably empty. No one to greet me as I come down the stairs in the morning. No one to talk to me as I make my first cup of coffee. No one rushing into the kitchen every time we use a can opener. No one to ask if they want any 9 Lives just to hear their uncontainable excitement and cries of “Now! Now!” No one to greet me at the door when I come home.

I see her in every shadow. My eyes automatically look in all her nap spots. My head knows she is gone. My heart feels like it is being ripped open all over again with each and every realization that she is gone. Yesterday I cleaned the house and packed up the last of her toys that were found in strange places. Every time I found another toy batted under a bookshelf or dropped in a boot I cried like it was the end of the world.

I think of her and it hurts so muchI can’t breathe . I’ve experienced loss in my life but never of someone so incredibly precious to me. How do you keep walking when all you want to do is crawl away from the pain? And how do you answer “why did so have to go now?” I wasn’t ready. I need her. And not only do I not know how to deal with her loss, I feel I am lost.

[Tatem'sMama]

It does seem they "keep us on the path" or at the very least steer us back when we step off course. Don't feel terrible about thinking sometimes about life without Ladywolf. Having so recently felt the pain of losing Poppers I can't imagine adjusting your mind to losing Ladywolf. And worst to just have that there hanging over your head. Of course you think about the relief that will come when she is gone and you don't have to bend your life around her needs.

Tatem was behaviorally challenged. When she was with me she was the sweetest, most loving cat.... and she was from the first second we met, but to others she was standoffish to downright nasty to my mother in law (a bit funny to me personally, but not to the husband, and truth be told My mother in law does like dogs, and is not a bad person). But when it came to the vet she did a full on Dr Jekell posessed demon shift. IT got so bad we were fired from 2 vets before we finally found a cats only hospital with 1 vet who could cope. Every time we went (and it was so stressful to go- The worry beforehand, having to leave the exam room because I couldn't bear to listen to her howls and hissing, then being punished for hours or days when we got home) sigh, every time I thought my life would be easier without such challenging behavior. Boarding places wouldn't take her, it took 2 years if prozac and careful behavior modification to get her to a place where she could live with my husband when we first got married. So many time that just as I knew she had been given to me because I could deal with the behavior and love her through it all, I though about the relief that would be when she was gone.

I'm still waiting to feel that relief most of the time. Since it doesn't affect where I live, its impact is quieter. The pain and loneliness have swallowed most of it up though there are moments that I realize I couldn't be doing something if she were here. And I do feel a tiny bit of relief.

I guess what I'm saying Margi is I'm so glad it resonated with you. I just wish life wasn't quite so hard sometimes.

[ladywolf]

Ah, Tatem'sMom, I wondered what kind of behavioral problems Tatem had, and now you've told us. Sounds like she was a mix of angel-cat and she-devil. I've known a few like that...both animal and human!

I'm sorry you're still in so much pain over her loss, but she was WORTH grieving over for a long time. Someday, some of the stories may seem funny to you and others, but not yet.

I feel like Lady's cancer is spurring me on to investigating a new place to live, probably back in small-town California again (I hate Arizona.) I probably won't be leaving here with Lady, as this is a perfect place for her to spend her last days. Her care has not become a burden yet--it just involves a lot of expensive cooking (She LOVES baked sweet potatoes mixed in with her brown rice and meat!) But who knows what the future holds. Poor little Poppers went down so fast that I was in total shock--but she was in a lot of pain her last night, and it was a relief to hear her cries soften and fade out.

Yes, I do resonate very strongly to that quotation, and thank you again for sharing it. Peace be with you.

Hugs--Margi and Ladywolf