My Beautiful Audrey Options

[Little Miss Audr...]

I'd like to thank everyone in this forum for all of their posts. I've been reading for several days and I think I can finally tell my story about my little black and white cat, Audrey.

Audrey passed on Christmas morning. She had lymphoma in her heart and her kidneys had shut down. It was a terrible shock, as I didn't know she was so sick until the tests came back at the emergency clinic. She had stopped eating on Christmas Eve and was acting strangely. I didn't want to wait until after the weekend to help her. Six months before she had gotten a clean bill of health from her regular vet, so her condition must have come on quickly. She was only 9 years old. My husband and I made the decision to euthanize her rather than watch her decline and suffer. But, like one of the other folks here said about euthanasia, I felt like I killed her. When I saw her relax with the sedative, I wanted to tell the vet to stop, that this wasn't necessary, that the tests were wrong, that I loved her too much, anything to stop it.

All I could say the whole way home was, "I want my cat back." When I came in to my now cat-less house, I felt sure she would materialize there. When I look at the places where she used to sleep, I almost see her there before I realize again that she's gone. Every new realization brings on such pain. To top it off, I have loved ones in my life who want me to get over it - "it was just a cat, after all." My husband is very supportive, but I think he is baffled by the extreme grief I'm showing. He loved Audrey, too, but he's dealing with it differently.

I think that reading everyone's posts has helped me understand more about the grief I'm feeling, but I feel like it's tearing me apart. I sit and stare aimlessly, or I sob uncontrollably - my two options these days.

Thanks so much for reading.

[Little Miss Audr...]

Thank you so much for your wishes! I need peace so much. I miss Audrey so much that I can't sleep sometimes. I've had a bout of insomnia over the past 36 hours - four hours total sleep in that time. I've tried to lie down, only to be so swept up in the memories of her passing that I just can't settle. My new Missy Blue tries to help - she follows me around the house and stays close. I get the feeling that, as her health improves, she knows somehow that I'm suffering with this. In a way her sickness helped me with the pain of Audrey's loss, and now that she's not ill I'm not preoccupied anymore. That sounds strange, I guess. I mean, I don't want her to be sick, and I'm overjoyed that we've nursed her back to health. I just don't have a "pet project" to keep my mind off the pain. Sometimes I feel so brittle - like I'll crack and shatter into a million pieces. I feel Audrey all over the house, and I expect to be comforted by that, but it only hurts. I keep saying to myself that it doesn't make sense, that cats live so much longer, but then I know God has a plan for everything and I need to seek peace. This forum is such a wonderful place to do just that. It helps so much to know that others feel the same way, and that they understand.