How To Savor The Time With A Dying Pet?, It's hard... Options

[ladywolf]

Hi All--

Darnnit, every time I look at Ladywolf now, I'm thinking, "she's dying, I wonder how much more time she has...?" I keep staring at her swollen back leg and wondering if it hurts her, if it's growing or shrinking, if, if, if. When I take her for a walk, I watch her movements constantly to see how much she's being affected by the tumors as she walks. I wonder how much she is missing Poppers. I feel as if I am not doing enough for her, when in fact, I am more or less dedicating my LIFE to her right now.

But there's little pleasure left in my interactions with her, because I am spending all my time with her WORRYING now! All this has happened since the vet confirmed that she has cancer--everything changed, somehow. I'm moving through all the stages of grief constantly, and don't know how to be with her in a "normal" way anymore. Does any of this make sense to you folks? I hate this. I don't want to look at my beloved beauty and see only "dying wolf." It's all making me a little insane, and very very sad.

Help, please! Thanks!

Margi and Ladywolf

[tanbuck]

Margi, I know just how you feel and I'm so sorry you're having to go through it. I so wish I had something to tell you that would help in any way but unfortunately, I don't. When Frasier was diagnosed with megacolon last December, it wasn't necessarily a death sentence but somehow I just knew. I knew my baby and I knew he wouldn't handle it well. And he didn't. For 8 long months I stared at him and tried to will him better. Either my husband or I would come home at lunch most days to check on him and when we'd come home at night we would race to the door in hopes that there would evidence he was having a good day. My husband is the eternal optimist in these situations and I am completely the opposite. I worried myself sick and to no avail because he died anyway. Everything in our home was centered around him and our dog, Buck, because he was sick too.
So, like I said, I don't have the magic answer to help you. I wish I did! I did read a chapter in Cesar Milan's recent book devoted to his oldest dog, Daddy, who will probably pass away pretty soon. I don't know what your feelings are about Cesar but I found his words comforting. He said that when Daddy isn't around, he will discuss his feelings and let his emotions out. But when Daddy is around, he is only trying to give him the best last days he can and won't allow himself to transfer any negative energy to Daddy. I thought it was interesting that he said there will be plenty of time for his grief when Daddy is gone so for now he will fake it until the end. I am now trying to keep that in mind for when Buck and our other kitty, Niles, decline.
I also was watching a show the other day and a woman who was talking about when her mother passed away. She said that she wanted her mother to go quickly so that she wouldn't suffer but she wanted her to stay for her own self. That sentence really kept running through my mind. Isn't it so true as we watch our furbabies go that we want them to stay only for ourselves? We sometimes prolong their lives only for ourselves because we know that they won't recover to their old selves. I'm not accusing or speaking of anybody other than myself. I tried everything I could for Frasier and would've gone to the ends of the earth for him. But in hindsight, I can see that Frasier gave up long before I did. Being medicated was his biggest fear and I crammed so many things down that baby's throat in those last weeks just trying to keep him with me. In his last days he developed one complication after another almost as if he was trying to find something that I couldn't bandaid. Forgive me, I am rambling. I wish you peace through this awful process. My heart goes out to you and I truly understand being so distracted by what is going on that everything else in your life begins to crumble away. I pray that you will have wisdom to know the right thing to do and the courage to do it.
-Donna