My First Dog - My Love Left Us 12/7/09 Options

[Westiesam/Sharon]

Hi
My husband and I had to put our beloved Westie - Sammy to sleep on Dec 7th. It's been 26 days now and I don't know if I will be able to survive this loss. She was a part of our lives for almost 11 years -- just 5 days shy of having her for that time. She was my first dog and I miss her so.
Almost a year ago she quit eating some of her favorite foods and I didn't put two and two together. I feel like I should have noticed something was wrong sooner. In May she got really sick and two local vets told me she had severe gastritis. I then took her to two other vets - one out of town and they told me it was probably IBD. I put my poor dog through so many blood tests, xrays, barium xray, ultrasound, and endosopy to find out what was wrong with her. I feared it was cancer, but none of the 4 vets we took her too were able to confirm (or deny) that. She weighed 22.7 lbs at the beginning of May and the day we put her to sleep she weighed only 15.2 lbs. We also did two different allergy tests and they contradicted each other -- she was allergic to so many foods it was hard to find foods to feed her. When she kept losing weight, I hand fed her a can of dog food a day -- she didn't like me putting the food in her mouth - but she let me do it day after day -- I felt I needed to do this to keep her weight up and to hopefully turn around whatever was wrong. She allowed me to feed her this way for almost 6 months -- I know it wasn't normal to hand feed a dog, but I just wanted to save her. I even took her for acupressure treatments to hopefully help her. She just kept getting thinner and thinner - some days she would eat some of her dog treats in addtion to the canned food I gave her, but she still didn't get better or gain any weight back.
The day before we let her go, she vomited blood and just got so very sick. I knew in my heart that she probably had cancer -- and in tghe end, the vet felt that's what it probably really was too. My husband and I held her in our arms that Monday morning - we told her we loved her and they gave her the injection. She went very peacefully within a matter of seconds -- but my heart turly broke at that moment.
Coming home to an empty house was the worst thing. That day, for the first time in 11 years I actually went to the bathroom by myself -- Sammy followed me everywhere! My husband works out of town several nights a week - and she was my constant companion. I miss her so much and don't know how to get over this.
We got her ashes back about two weeks ago, and that helped me to somewhat -- but tonight now I'm all alone again and I so sad. People are telling me to get another dog, but I can't do that now -- I don't know if I ever want to put myself through this kind of grief again. I know people think I'm crazy for mourning a dog this much - but I can't help it -- I loved her so much and she's gone forever.
Thanks for listening to my story.
Sharon

[Brutus]

123dad...I think we all have things we regret...everyone of us...it's still the what if game. Even if you did get to her in time before the chocolate had already done it's damage, you may have not been able to get her to throwup.....I know I still blame myself for making the decision to end Brutus' life. It's like there is no escaping blame and the easiest person to blame is yourself...it's a way of creating self torture that we all do to ourselves. I think guilt/blame is the hardest part of losing a pet...even though none of us have done anything wrong...we need to put a reason to it all/make sense of it...the easiest reason is to blame ourselves...that makes sense to us, even though it's not true.

Time does help...it's been 7 weeks for me today and I was doing so well...but suddenly crashed yesterday for no apparent reason. They say the 5 stages of grief are....denial, anger, guilt, depression, acceptance....I swear I've done them all in one day...they can come in any order and at any time...and then come again and again. Your pain/grief is so fresh, your head is probably spinning right now...you want to blame someone...so you blame you. Things will get better...then get worse again...then get better again. Guilt is the worse, and unfortunetly there is no escaping it, as hard as we all try...I think sometimes it just has to run it's course...I know that is probably not much comfort to you, but do know we are all always here and we do understand....you are not alone here.

Just know we are all thinking of you and your precious Emily...we are all in this together...and together we will all get through it...never over it...but through it.

Hugs,
Brutus' Mom