I Need Help (please) Options

[Rhapsedy]

It has been 13 weeks since I put my soulmate Callaway to sleep and I am overcome with guilt. He had lymphoma and actually lasted longer than the vet thought he would. I had him on Predisolone which seemed to help keep his symptoms at bay. I cooked breakfast and dinner for him everyday for 6 months. He started getting worst. I finally made my decision when I came home and he was laying in a pool of urine because he couldn't get up. I have no idea how long he was laying like that but he looked so sad when I came home and found him that way.

I have been dealing with a bunch of what ifs... what if I would have tried different medication, what if I put him to sleep to soon, should I have gotten a second opinion... and on and on and on. But just the past few days I have been dealing with the look in his eyes when he was being put to sleep. He looked so scared. He had been so weak and when the vet came to euthanize him he got a burst of energy and the vet tech had to hold him down. I can't get that image out of my mind. I hate to think about the last moments of his life that he was scared. It is just consuming me and I don't know how to handle it.

Thanks for listening.

Rhapsedy

[ladywolf]

Dearest Rhapsody--

Calloway would not want to see you suffering over his death, would he? I'm sure he was a joyful, high-spirited being, and he would want the same for you. I can understand your feelings--I just lost my Poppers (labrador) less than a week ago and I miss her terribly, but I don't feel guilty. Please read my post titled "Guilt is about the past, hope is about the future." I say a lot in that short post.

Please remember that death is usually not a beautiful thing on the physical plane, for both people and animals. Usually there is pain and suffering and there may be incontinence and vomiting and all sorts of unlovely manifestations. People who are in extreme pain seem to be relieved when death comes--and I think the same is true of animals. As for the look on his face at the moment of his death--you're reading a lot into it, humanizing it. It's so natural for us to do that, but not natural for the animal. You don't know what, if anything, Calloway was feeling.

I had to put a dog to sleep years ago who was riddled with cancer. I was about to hit the road in an RV for two years, and my vet convinced me to put her to sleep rather than subject her to the hardships of life on the road. So I took her for a LONG WALK, and then had her euthanized. Talk about guilt! I wailed for ten days...then I hit the road and I let the guilt gradually dissipate. I can still feel the pain, but no guilt. Would it have been better to have dragged a dying dog around with me from campground to campground, with her in great pain? I don't think so.

You have responsibilities to your family and your four-leggeds, who can be of great comfort to you if you let them be. So the wonderful people on this marvelous forum. I don't mean to sound cold, not at all. I feel deeply for you and your crisis, which is what this is. Just, please, find some way to turn that guilt over to the universe and begin to let go. My heart goes out to you--

Margi and Ladywolf