I Need Help (please) Options

[Rhapsedy]

It has been 13 weeks since I put my soulmate Callaway to sleep and I am overcome with guilt. He had lymphoma and actually lasted longer than the vet thought he would. I had him on Predisolone which seemed to help keep his symptoms at bay. I cooked breakfast and dinner for him everyday for 6 months. He started getting worst. I finally made my decision when I came home and he was laying in a pool of urine because he couldn't get up. I have no idea how long he was laying like that but he looked so sad when I came home and found him that way.

I have been dealing with a bunch of what ifs... what if I would have tried different medication, what if I put him to sleep to soon, should I have gotten a second opinion... and on and on and on. But just the past few days I have been dealing with the look in his eyes when he was being put to sleep. He looked so scared. He had been so weak and when the vet came to euthanize him he got a burst of energy and the vet tech had to hold him down. I can't get that image out of my mind. I hate to think about the last moments of his life that he was scared. It is just consuming me and I don't know how to handle it.

Thanks for listening.

Rhapsedy

[tanbuck]

Rhapsedy, I am so sorry you're going through this. I know just how you feel. 16 weeks ago I had to put my baby, kitty, Frasier to sleep. Moments before the vet got to our home, he batted at a piece of string and was purring and drank water. Those memories have haunted me off and on ever since. But someone on this forum wrote that no matter what the circumstances are, we will play the what ifs and we will feel guilty about each detail of their dying and their death. But she wrote that we have to keep reminding ourselves that we are looking at their deaths after the fact and that when we made the decision, we were going on what we knew at the time and all the info we had only at that time. We know in our hearts that we didn't do any one little thing with the wrong intentions. Our babies think we are perfect. We are all they know so I don't think they would second guess our decisions. You did what you had to do and it sounds like you didn't do it too soon. I'm sorry you're haunted by the look in his eyes. I totally understand that. Those last purrs from Frasier were so hard for me to hear. As the vet gave him that sedative injection, I wanted to scream out to stop. I wasn't ready! But I kept repeating what the vet had told me that within hours Frasier would begin to suffer horribly. I did the best I could for him and so did you. Again, I'm so sorry.
-Donna