Just Sharing My Story Options

[ruby]

My dog, Ruby was about 14 years old. I say this because when she came to me Easter weekend 1997, she appeared to be about one year old but she may have been 2 or 3. So perhaps she was really 15 or 16. A friend had picked her up just walking around the country and learned she had come from a puppyfarm situation. He couldn't take her in so when I showed up he asked if I wanted to take her in.

I made the hardest decision of my life this past Tuesday morning about 1030am. She was dying from fluid accumulation in her lungs/abdomen from congestive heart failure. Little short breaths. I almost can't write this. There are all sorts of details that I don't seem to want to write at the moment.
I knew I had to make the euthansia decision and I did with the worst feeling I've ever had. Who was I to make such a momental decision for the one being who is/was my life and my heart.

She is now buried in the yard in the exact spot where she used to sit in the sun, relaxed and contented.

My vet was away so I was seeing the only other vet in the clinic for the past few days. I regret not asking for a home visit but I knew he would not be able to come until after 10pm and I couldn't make her suffer for another 12 hours. So we went and it was awful, not because she felt pain, but because she was fearful and I could see that.
Everyone was very caring and compassionate.

We brought her home. I snipped some of her soft fur for me to keep. I held her. We took some pictures, she just looked like she was sleeping. We took an impression of one of her paws. Then we wrapped her in blankets she knew, put in her favourite treat, her picture with all my words of love to her, and laid her to rest beneath the apple tree she sat under in the summertime. We put up a temporary marker and in the springtime I will get a permanent one made and put in.

We can see the marker from all our windows so I know she is not far away. I go out and talk to her.

But what I really really want most of all is to have her back beside me warm in the house. I can't start to describe the agony I feel in losing her. I don't eat or sleep much. I don't care what people think. I sit and stare. I say "Did I do the right thing?" and "Did I do the right thing (euthansia) in the right way?" I am racked with heaving sobs..actually wailing sort of...almost indescribable. I'm trying to "figure it all out"...coulda, woulda, shoulda....but deep down I know I did the thing she needed most from me .....end her suffering.

She went so quickly...that's the part that is so shocking....for me that is. I have her and then Bam! I have nothing but her body and my sorrow.

I hope I gave her a good life. There were parts I could have done better by far but I hope she forgave me for my screwups.

I had enormous trouble physically letting go of her body. I just sat with her limp in my arms at the vet and then again at home. I knew her body as well as I know my own. She was my baby I suppose.

Guess I don't have more to say at the moment..maybe later. Thanks for reading.