Taking Care Of Myself, A FORCED EFFORT Options

[Pamela]

HAVE ALWAYS BEEN ONE OF THOSE SENSITIVE PEOPLE, AS A LITTLE GIRL i CRIED EVERY TIME LASSEY GOT LOST, OLD YELLER JUST TORE ME UP, ONLY WATCHED IT ONCE AS A CHILD. WHEN SOMETHING BAD HAPPENED WITH OUR ANIMALS MY DAD ALWAYS PROTECTED ME FROM THE PAIN OF EXPERIENCING THE SIGHT OF A DEATH OF OUR ANIMALS. I WENT OVER TO A GIRLFRIEND OF MINE FOR DINNER LAST NIGHT, SHE HAD NOT SEEN ME FOR 3WKS, SHE CALLED ME WHEN I GOT HOME AND TOLD ME SHE WAS CONCERNED ABOUT MY WEIGHT LOSS AND MY DEMEENER. IT SUNK IN THAT I HAVE NOT BEEN TAKING CARE OF MYSELF, I CAN ONLY SAY THIS HAS BEEN ONE OF THE WORST MONTHS OF MY LIFE, I THINK I AM ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE .......THAT WHEN MOOSE DIED IT BROGHT BACK MY LOSES OF THE LAST 10YRS..........MOM IN 94, DAD IN 96, DAD'S LAB OF 5YRS IN 99, MY BUEATIFUL CAT SUMMER OF 16YRS IN 2000 AND MY MOM AND DAD'S POODLE SPIKE OF 8YRS IN THE YR 2000 (spike was given to me in the will to care for and see through till death) THAT WAS FOR MY PARENTS.......SPIKE WAS THEIR BABY.....ANYWAY THEN MY MOOSE THIS LAST OCT. AS YOU KNOW THIS HAS BEEN A DREADFUL MONTH FOR ME AND THE GRIEF UNBARABLE AT TIMES....I DONT FEEL STRONGER BECAUSE OF THIS BUT WEAKER. I HAVE APPLIED AT A FEW PLACES AND DO HAVE SOME PROSPECTS FOR WORK BUT IT'S THE HOLIDAYS...NOT ALOT OF WORK IN THE LIGHT INDUSTRIAL AREA'S, I KNOW IT'S IMPORTANT FOR ME TO GET BACK INTO A DAILY SCHEDULE. YESTERDAY WAS THE FIRST DAY I DID'NT CRY BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? I WOKE UP CRYING THIS MORNING. THE GREY SKIES HAVE COME HERE TO THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST AND AS BUEATIFUL AS IT IS UP HERE BY THE CANADIAN BORDER IT IS A LONG STRECH OF GREY WITH HARDLY ANY SUN. THIS TIME OF YEAR WAS KIND OF DEPRESSING EVEN WITH MY MOOSE....BUT NOW........
MY SON MOVED BACK TO YAKIMA ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CASCADES, IT IS A DIFFERENT WEATHER PATTERN THERE.....DESERT BUT THEY HAVE SUN 300 DAYS OF THE YEAR, I HAVE A GRANDSON THERE NOW HE IS 2YRS OLD, I BELEIVE THE DOOR THAT WAS OPENED FOR ME WAS BEING ABLE TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH MY GRANDSON, SO I AM GOING TO TRY AND FOCUS ON GETTING TO WORK SO I CAN MAKE A MOVE BACK OVER TO YAKIMA,,,,,I CAME THERE WITH MY PARENTS IN THE EARLY 80'S FROM NEBR. I SPENT 20 YRS THERE UNTIL MY FOLKS PASSED AND PACKED THE HOUSE UP RIGHT AWAY SOLD IT AND LEFT FOR BELLINGHAM...ANYWAYS I HAVENT BEEN EATING LIKE I SHOULD, I'M PRETTY SURE I HAVE SLIPPED FROM DISPAIR INTO DEPRESSION, I CALLED MY DOC THIS MORNING AND HE SAID HE WANTS ME BACK ON ANTI DEPRESANTS, I WAS THINKING THIS MORNING.......IF I HAD THE MONEY I WOULD START A PET AMBULANCE, ONE OF THE MOST AWFUL THINGS THAT HAPPENED THROUGH THIS WAS GETTING MY 70LB BOY OFF THE ROAD AND ONTO THE SIDEWALK THEN WRAPPED AND A BLANKET AND HOISTED IN THE CAR, HIS DEEP MOANS OF PAIN WILL FOREVER BE IN MY MIND, HE WASNT MOVED PROPERLY FOR HAVING A BROKEN BACK. ANYWAY, I WISH I WOULD HAVE HAD A PET AMBULANCE TO HELP ME AND ANYONE WHOM WOULD HAVE TO EXPERIENCE THAT. ALL THIS SAID I AM THINKING THAT I HAVE TURNED MY GRIEF INTERNAL, I AM CONCIDERING SOME GRIEF COUNCELING TO HELP ME DEAL WITH THIS, I DO HAVE SOME HAUNTING MEMORIES ABOUT MOOSE LIKE THE NEXT MORNING WHEN I CALLED AT 6AM TO SEE HOW HE WAS DOING AND THE GIRL TOLD ME HE WAS THRASHING ABOUT IN PAIN AND HAD URNIATED ON HIMSELF WHEN SHE HAD GOTTON THERE THAT MORNING....I STILL THINK THAT WAS AN AWFUL THING TO SAY TO ME....I DID'NT NEED TO KNOW THAT. ANYWAY, DONT WANT TO RAMBLE ON...... I WANT TO SAY AGAIN I AM SO THANKFUL FOR THIS GROUP OF CARING HURTING PEOPLE....THIS HAS BEEN MY LIFE LINE ...... PAMELA