Frasier's Story Options

[tanbuck]

Frasier’s story begins 14 years ago on a stormy night. I worked at my vet at the time and we were getting ready to close for the evening. One of our clients came in to drop off 2 kittens to be neutered the next day. She was overwhelmed by how many pets she had. When those 2 little orange heads poked through that cardboard carrier I immediately asked if I could have them! It’s not easy for me to make a quick decision so where that response came from, I do not know!
She told me I could have Niles(whose name was Simba) but not Frasier because he was a love bug and they didn’t want to give him up. When she came to pick him up I again told her that I would take him if she ever wanted to give him up. Luckily for me, 2 months later she did. My heart expanded and I fell in love again. The “brothers” were reunited and our life together began. Four years later we got Buck, a yellow lab/golden retriever mix. Niles couldn’t have cared less but Frasier had found his nemesis! He loved to hate Buck! Even though Buck had never done anything to hurt him, Frasier always acted like he was about to be eaten alive. But even still, he always made sure he was near Buck. He tried so hard to keep his love for Buck a secret but he was so transparent.
Frasier lived in his own imaginary world most of the time. We often joked that he wasn’t all there. Bless his heart. He played with wads of paper like they were hot potatoes. He would walk down the hall with one in his mouth meowing the whole way. In his mind, the plastic wrap off the ice cream carton was a dangerous anaconda. He entertained himself and us at the same time. He was the court jester of the house. He loved his brother, Niles, and I believe he looked to him for when to be scared and when not. If they heard a loud noise he would look at Niles and if Niles didn’t react then he didn’t react. If Niles looked afraid, Frasier would get afraid. They slept together so much I hardly have any pictures of them apart from one another.
Then came last year. I often noticed that he would sit away from us and had a look on his face like he knew something. My husband kept telling me to quit worrying so much. By Christmas, it was obvious I wasn’t worrying in vain. He started having trouble having bowel movements. He was diagnosed with megacolon and inflammatory bowel disease. This was manageable with medication although it was a daily adjustment as he would hit bumps in the road frequently. I always knew he was physically stronger than Niles but I began to realize that he wasn’t strong mentally. We could tell that he was troubled by his illness even when he didn’t need to be. He looked worried and medicating him really took a toll on him.
In June I began saying he just didn’t look like he was thriving. He was losing weight even though his systems were functioning. He began to pull away from Niles in July. His expression would fall when Niles came in the room. It was as if he was thinking, “why does he have to come in here?” He began sleeping during the day in the guest bedroom. I tried to tell myself that he just found a new spot as they often do. But deep down, I worried. I tended to his every need and tried to take the burden of worry from him. We finally found a food he was excited about and I felt like he was putting on some weight. Then I noticed that the weight was only in his abdomen and he still wasn’t thriving. My worry grew into a sick feeling in my stomach. Three weeks ago he stopped having bowel movements. I thought he was becoming impacted. My vet and I have been in constant contact this whole year (Buck has medical issues as well) and we decided to give him a little more time since it stressed him out so much to go to the hospital. He then quit eating and his abdomen was very large. I took him in on a Thursday and the vet discovered it had nothing to do with his megacolon. His abdomen was full of fluid - the result of either cancer, liver failure, or heart failure. The tests came back indicating heart failure. It would be manageable if we could get the fluid down. Days later, the medication hadn’t worked and he was even more uncomfortable. He then stopped urinating. I knew the medication had destroyed his kidneys. It was just too much to ask his kidneys to get all that fluid out. The night before he died was another stormy night just like when he first came into my life. I felt it was a sign. We took him back the following Thursday and the blood test confirmed what I already knew. The vet said the best thing would be to put him to sleep that day because the level of his kidneys indicated that he was on the verge of neurological breakdown and seizures. I couldn’t allow that for baby Frasier. My husband took him home and I left work. The vet was coming to our house on his lunch break so we could do it at our home instead of the hospital. I am so grateful for that. But I sat watching the clock and counting the hours then minutes before he would be gone. I felt like I was waiting for the grim reaper. When I got within one hour left of his life, I could barely breathe. I sat in the hall and stared at him as he tried to get comfortable and rest. I can’t bear to even look at the watch I was wearing that day because it counted down to the worst hours of my life. His last moments were peaceful for him but there aren’t words to describe what I was feeling. Over and over in the days that followed, I felt like he had been physically attached to me and was being pulled from my body. I was overwhelmed with the physical part of grief.
I have sniffled, cried, wailed, and sat silent with my head back and my mouth open. I have pounded the floor, I have screamed, and I have sat expressionless. I’ve been in the fetal position and I have squatted on the floor and I have spent a lot of time on my knees. I don't want anything new in the house because I don't want there to be anything he doesn't know about. I don't want there to be life without him. I know I will go on and I know I will be ok but I just wanted to tell his story to the universe so that someone/anyone will know his story. I miss you baby Frasier. My little Bean Bean.

[tanbuck]

Thank you both so much, Madi and Dottie. I don't share my feelings with anyone else anymore other than this forum so it really helps. I don't plan for it but I spend a little time each day crying for Frasier. I just can't believe how I worried so much about his death (and Niles' and Buck's too) but didn't consider how I would feel afterwards. I was so wrapped up in being fearful of his last moments! For the last few years this has been a growing fear of mine since all of my babies are seniors now. I have worried myself to the point of not being able to enjoy their lives! This year while Frasier was sick, I kept saying that I knew I would be ok after he was gone but it was the process of dying that I couldn't handle. Well, it turns out the process was quick with respect to time but the grieving never ends. I thought I was prepared but found I'm not prepared at all. I'm almost emotionally paralyzed because my mind tries to wrap around how much worse this will get when my other two go. My husband and I have not been able to go on vacations because of their needs. I don't want them to go by any stretch of the imagination but my heart needs a break. I hate even typing that because it sounds so horrible! If anyone else reads this, do you know what I'm feeling? Admittedly, I am a worrier but I feel frozen in this state.
-Donna

[AngelCareOne]

Thank you both so much, Madi and Dottie. I don't share my feelings with anyone else anymore other than this forum so it really helps. I don't plan for it but I spend a little time each day crying for Frasier. I just can't believe how I worried so much about his death (and Niles' and Buck's too) but didn't consider how I would feel afterwards. I was so wrapped up in being fearful of his last moments! For the last few years this has been a growing fear of mine since all of my babies are seniors now. I have worried myself to the point of not being able to enjoy their lives! This year while Frasier was sick, I kept saying that I knew I would be ok after he was gone but it was the process of dying that I couldn't handle. Well, it turns out the process was quick with respect to time but the grieving never ends. I thought I was prepared but found I'm not prepared at all. I'm almost emotionally paralyzed because my mind tries to wrap around how much worse this will get when my other two go. My husband and I have not been able to go on vacations because of their needs. I don't want them to go by any stretch of the imagination but my heart needs a break. I hate even typing that because it sounds so horrible! If anyone else reads this, do you know what I'm feeling? Admittedly, I am a worrier but I feel frozen in this state.
-Donna

Yes, Donna. I understand completely as I'm such a worrier, too. I always worried and asked on at least one message board, "What will I do when Alex dies? He's my entire life. How will I handle it when Alex dies?" That began when Alex was only eleven years old and I had thought his life expectancy was only fifteen or twenty years. I later found out that his life span expectancy was 35 to 40 years and known to be as long as 45 years. So, I wrote a poem. I write lots and lots of poems especially when I feel inspired by anything funny, philosophical, beautiful and so on. Anyway, Alex was alive and well when I wrote this poem, chose the images I wished to accompany it and enhanced those images ...

"Living In The Now"
by: AngelCareOne

Some days are bright and some days are black.
Some days we spend and can never get back.

Traveling times past has proven most futile
Even when memories are sometimes so brutal.

I've found that it's best to live in the now.
Yesterday's gone; Tomorrow's a vow.

A vow is a promise that's easily broken.
Too many live for their wish that's unspoken.

To live in the now. That is what all should strive.
Just remember right now you are truly alive!







See? I reallty do understand what you mean. I Wish You Peace!

Many Comforting Hugs to you and your Angel Fur Kid Frasier!!!

Always,
Dottie xoxoxox