What Do You Do Options

[Nataisa]

Hi,

What do you do to keep yourself busy? It's Sunday and every time I try and think of something to do I just start crying again. I couldn’t sleep last night. I kept getting out of bed, turning the TV on, watching it for ten minutes and then crying and had to find something else to do.
I took a couple of photos of Nataisa yesterday. I had collected her from the vet so I could spend her last few hours with her. I am waiting for the shops to open so I can get those photos printed. I know as soon as I see the photos the tears will start flowing again. I went to the supermarket last night and became tearful as I passed the deli and cat food areas. I have been visiting both shops every 2 days to buy fresh and tinned food to try and motivate Nataisa to eat.
I don’t think I will be able to go to work on Monday. I teach young children and it would be difficult if I started crying in front of the class and I think this is quite likely to happen. Also I may be able to collect her ashes on Monday. I am not sure if this will help. At this stage I really want her ashes here. I found a tiny clump of her hair on the floor last night. She was always leaving hair everywhere.
Maybe I will have a coffee and sit in the corner of a café and view the photos when printed. Later I will probably ask my mum to come over for a roast meal. I really don’t want to be alone but I am crying most of the time, so it is a bit difficult to be with people. Also I don’t really know anyone that understands this type of grief. The people I know have already lacked empathy and have found it difficult to understand the time, money and effort that have been used to support Nataisa. My neighbor knocked on my door yesterday. I tried to explain I was spending Nataisa’s last day with her. She looked bewildered and said, ‘well she’s had a good long life’ and then left .I don’t care that Nataisa was old I still want her here. I just don’t know what to do with myself. These feelings are so painfull. They are so much worse than I thought they would be.
Liz

[janika]

Hi Liz
The teddy bear for Nataisa is the most lovely idea. I wish I'd thought of that. You can hold her close to you and it must give you so much comfort. Noushka's ashes ,we buried in our garden next to her best friend , our darling Tasha, who left us 3 years ago. They're Samoyeds and always loved playing in the garden, especially in the snow. We planted loads of snowdrops all over them and other white spring bulbs. Also 2 white flowering shrubs in the garden at the side of them. I'm looking out there now, oh how I wish I could see them playing out there. I know they're with me as I can always feel their presence, but not being able to hug them and do the physical thinks like grooming, feeding, walking them and playing with them , hurts so much. It's like a great ache in my chest. Some days it doesn't feel as bad but others it is unbearable. It's understandable that we feel this way, as these beloved friends share our lives with us for hopefully many years, and when they move on to the next world and leave us physically, we miss them as we would any loved one.
Keep thinking of the good times and give teddy bear a big hug for me.
I was pleased that you managed to get back to your children at school, but I bet it was dreadful for you , having to keep going. Children are very understanding at times like this and many of them will maybe have lost a furry friend themselves. My little 5 year old grandson says he misses Noushka, every time he comes to visit, then I look sad and he says" She's ok nanni, she's playing with Tasha in Heaven and she's fine". Maybe if you can bring yourself to tell them about your Nataisa, even maybe do a project about their pets, it might help and you can explain thats why you are a little grumpy at the moment as you are missing her, and can they help you out through this, as you would with them I'm sure. I'm no teacher, but was a play leader for many years working with 3-5year olds. I don't know what age you teach but I think at any age it is worthwhile learning about caring for our furry friends and understanding how important they are in our lives. Bet you 'Head' would be more understanding too, if he knew what you're going through.
Hopefully he is a pet lover too.
Please let us know how you are, and remember, that being part of this caring community and sharing our grief, even being able to write about how we feel, somehow , just makes the pain a little more bearable.
Thinking of you with love
Jan