Our Sweet Stella Blue Options

[hnfrisk]

I'm not sure I can type this but I'm hoping that getting it out will help ease the pain a little. Stella our 9 year old chocolate lab passed away yesterday in my arms. She had two mast cell tumors removed within the last year but she had gotten another one and our Oncology vet told us it had spread to her lymph node. We made the decision in September to start her on Palladia, a new drug which was approved in June. We had her on it for 6 weeks but she developed more tumors and her lymph node ducts were swollen making her not use her front leg.
On Friday we decided to try a different chemo-drug and give her until Monday to see if we saw it would help. Up until this time, she was a champ and was eating, getting food off the counter and still getting into the garbage and didn't seem to be in any pain.
This all changed on Friday night. When I offered her a treat she wouldn't take it. She did finally drink some water in the middle of the night but still wouldn't eat. I wasn't too worried because the doctor said the drug may make her nauseas. But with her not eating, I couldn't get any of her other meds down. My husband took her into our regular vet and he gave her a shot of b12 to spark her appetite.
It didn't help and by Sunday morning when she went out to go the bathroom it was all she could do to get inside the door. She couldn't walk anymore and we laid down right there. I yelled to my husband that we needed to call the vet and put her down. I was trying to give her water through a syringe but it didn't seem to help. She was having such labored breathing and I think she was getting dehydrated and everything was shutting down.
Of course it was Sunday and we couldn't get ahold of our vet. We drove to his house but couldn't locate him. One of us was with Stella the whole time. We never left the spot by the door. Our Oncology vet told us to call her if we couldn't get ahold of our regular one but I was afraid to make the hour trip to her office. I kept thinking Dr. Brown would call soon and he just lives down the road. I sent my husband over there again but still nobody there.
My girlfriend came and picked up my kids and even when she came in Stella lifted her head and aknowledged her. I just kept holding her and kissing her. My husband was outside working and there came that moment when I knew it was her time. She tried to get up, collapsed over, and her breathing became even more intense. I yelled at my husband to come in and with in seconds she let out and yelp and a jerk and I told her it was ok to let go she did. I can't get this image out of my head. I stayed with her while my husband went out to dig her a hole. I just didn't want to let her go.
We wrapped her in a blanket and put her in but waited until the kids were home to do our ceremony and bury her with a few things they thought she would like.
I never thought the pain and the guilt would be so overwhelming. It was all I could do today to get dressed and get my 3 year old to the park. Otherwise she would have just sat and watched tv all day because I can't handle anything else.

I feel guilty that we didn't put Stella down on Saturday so she wouldn't have had to go through all that. I was blinded by the hope that she would pull through and it was just the new medication making her sick for a little bit and she would get over it. How could I put her through all that. She never seemed to be in pain but how could she have not been. I hope she didn't look at me and wonder how I could be putting her through that. Why oh why couldn't have Dr Brown been home. WHy couln't he say to my husband on Saturday that she needed to be put down. Why didn't we drive the hour to the other vet?
I try to tell myself that she was home and in my arms and that was the way she wanted to go but how do I know. Those last seconds are so vivid and so painful for me and for her that I wonder if she died hating me for putting her through that. I feel like it would have been so much better for her to be put to sleep.
How do I get through these feelings and get to a better place.. I don't feel like doing anything but with three kids I must.
If you made it this far, THanks so much for listening. It does help to talk a little.
Heather Frisk

[Flossie's Mom]

Heather,

It does not seem like it now but everything you are feeling will ease up one day. How soon? that is the 64,000 dollar question. It takes different amounts of time for each of us.

You did everything you felt was best for Stella. I don't think anyone can ever be sure if the what if's & why didn't or why wasn't question can be answered. I've had a similar situation with a cat I lost. Should have put her to sleep and thought she was doing OK and then couldn't get the vet on the phone. Left a message and when they called back agreed to meet me so we could put her to sleep. She died in my arms 1 block from the office and screamed and jerked around also. That haunted me for a very long time. But I did heal. Took me a bit longer than other losses as I felt so guilty.

You will go through all of the second guessing yourself no mater the circumstance. I still am questioning myself about my Flossie that I had for 17-1/2 years and put her down last October 30th. I still cry and miss her as well as still second guess if I could have held out a bit longer. My head knows I did the right thing but my heart still hurts.

We just cannot be in full control of things that happen sometimes. I guess life/death for both ourselves, family and pets are things that we just cannot completely control. Only make the best decisions possible based on the information we have at the time. Sometimes those decisions made by listening to the heart do not work and sometimes they do. So try listening to what you know to be true in your mind rather than your heart about Stella. Your mind will no doubt tell you did all you could. Your heart will disagree but that is just because of the loss you are experiencing. Your mind and your heart are both correct because they each show the love you have for Stella.

Is this loss going to be easy? No. But sharing your feelings, thoughts, concerns here are very healing. We have been where you are. Some ARE where you are and we all understand completely what you are going through. Many people you know may not have ever had the joy of knowing a pet such as Stella and will not be understanding or comforting but everyone here does understand and many will offer words of comfort as long as you need it.

I am so sorry for your loss. Come here as often and as long as you need to. Post pictures of your beautiful Stella when you feel up to it.

Ginger