I Surrender! Options

[I miss mouses]

I miss u mouses...

Tomorrow you will have been gone for 8 months. When I first joined this site I remember reading other pet memorials. As the months went on, the memorials got shorter and shorter. With tear filled eyes I could see the light at the end of the dark tunnel. There was such a difference between the first posts and the 7, 8, 9...month posts. I often use to think it was sad too, like maybe some people really did move on. I didn't want to move on, not yet anyway. Many had new pets and were enjoying life again. I had just lost you, it seemed impossible. My baby gone....FOREVER. I couldn't breathe. I did not want to live one single day without you. Death had found us, and I was so angry. I lost my best friend. I lost my happy place. How was I to face this world without you? I continued to read those posts, and hung on every word. Pages and pages of people who lost a bond as strong as ours.

When I first went to write today I was going to write a simple, "I love you Mouses." I paused at the blank screen, and remembered what I had thought of people like me at the beginning. I was now them, but I realized something. We aren't writing so little because we love or miss you all any less. We didn't forget you. From my point of view, I have decided we write less because we have been defeated. Death won. I don't quite call it acceptance. I accepted your death a long, long, time ago. I call it surrendering. Surrendering to death. I wrote before about how exhausted I am. I am exhausted Mouses. I have cried endless tears, lost too much weight, lost too much sleep, and have been trying to save you for the last 8 months. I can't save you. I can't bring you in sooner. I can't do anything. I have said, thought, and wrote every single thing there is to say. I can't change one single thing. I lost you. I really lost you. I stand alone in a big world without you. I wish you didn't have to go, but you did. I wasn't done, but somebody else decided I was. I guess that's why it hurts so much. I didn't just lose you (which alone is awful enough). I lost my closure with you. Where is our long goodbye that I assumed we would have? Why my soul kitty? Why out of all my cats, did you have to have the sudden ending?

I love you Mouses. I miss you. I have been through all the stages of grief. I am now left with just missing you. I finally learned to be happy for you. I am glad your tummy no longer hurts. I am glad you can breathe again. I am happy your legs aren't collapsing on you anymore (you looked so confused). My kitty, my baby, I wish there was another way to ease your pain, but there wasn't. When I hug Buddy it is for you sometimes, can you feel it? You have passed the baton. Your job of emotionally supporting me is now over. Did you send him to me? Did you die to save his life? You knew I would be the person to bring him back to life. He is very happy now, he is no longer hurting. I would rather have you, but he is a wonderful substitute for you. I sometimes feel like he now shares his body with your soul. He has brought back so much of what I missed about you. He sounds like you, looks like you, and now acts like you. He hounds the pantry like you. He runs around spastically like you (and hops around like a bunny). He is food and water obsessed. He wakes me up in the morning. He sits behind me while I type (he is behind me right now...exactly where you would have been). He gives me that stare, like I am supposed to read his mind. He is a chicken like you were. Like you, he flies through the house when he hears the dishes make that sound, or when a can is opened. Best of all (like you) he follows me everywhere. I miss you by my side. When you died I felt like a part of my body was missing. I had lost my shadow. Buddy has brought it back to me.

I will never be over the loss of you. I will never forget you. You are very, very close to my heart. I love you my sweetheart, always and forever. Goodbye my Mouses. I love you. I miss my old life...I really do.

8 months closer to seeing that face...

[I miss mouses]

Hi sweetheart,

I knew this weekend was your 9 month anniversary, but what I didn't realize until just now is that the dates and days match up (adding a little extra pain to this anniversary). It is exactly 2:00 right now, on a Friday the 23rd. Your appointment was on Friday, January 23rd at 2:00. I am thinking about you and that day a lot right now. I still can't believe how clueless I was. You would be gone by Sunday. I never would have guessed it, they were suppose to tell me it was nothing, and send us home. It wasn't nothing was it.

I miss you so much. It feels like yesterday, and yet it feels like forever. I guess that is the way it will always feel. In a few minutes (on that day in January), I would learn you have multiple masses, are dehydrated, and have a low temp. You wouldn't be coming home with me. I would go to bed for the first time without you in 4 years. I had only spent a total of 14 days without you in your entire lifetime. I thought it would be the worst night ever, I didn't know it would soon be permanent. I had so much hope that night. I really just didn't get it. I can remember now the vet tech said, "did you get a good chance to say your goodbyes?" I now get why she said that. She knew you may not live through the night, I did not.

Tomorrow will be Saturday, October 24th. 9 months ago it was Saturday, January 24th. I couldn't wait to hear how your surgery went to remove the masses. They never call us. We call them. You didn't stabilize for surgery. I was worried about you in surgery, and you weren't even there. You were in a small cage fighting to survive the day. They said you would perk up, and then crash, but your temp kept falling. You were losing that light in your eyes. Where did you go? Tomorrow 9 months ago, would be the day I take you home before we head to the E-vets. I take some pictures of you in case you never come home again. You look so different. What happened to you in one night? From Friday to Saturday I can't believe how much you changed.

We head to the E-vet only to find out your dying. Your case was too complicated. The vet kept saying had you not had all three things they could probably save you. If you just had masses, or if you just had a low temp, or if you just had diabetes. She said with your age, you wouldn't survive all three. You were not in organ failure yet, but you would be soon. She didn't think you would make it through the night. You had labored breathing, and could care less that I was there. I felt so bad for you. I wanted to save you Mouse. I wanted them to put you back together. It didn't seem possible. I didn't want to leave you alone, you just looked like you wanted to go. We took you home to die.

Tommorow night 9 months ago, would be one of the worst nights of my life. You were in pain and restless, and had trouble breathing. I felt so guilty for not putting you to the sleep at the E-vets, but I always promised you, you would die at home on our bed. The hard part was, I don't think you really cared anymore. I debated all night about bringing you back. The at-home-vets wouldn't be available until late Sunday morning or afternoon. I just found all of this out, I was still in shock. Please forgive me for taking you home. I wasn't ready to let you go. I just wanted you home. I just wanted you on our bed. Your pain medicine kicked in and the restlessness calmed down. I had three hours to lay by you and pet you. Those would be the last almost normal moments we would ever have. I am so grateful for those hours. It was all I had to absorb this. I am grateful I got to thank you for being so wonderful. I am grateful I got to apologize to you in person for not taking better care of you. I am still so sorry I missed it. I am grateful you didn't die alone, Friday night. I am grateful, I got to tell you I love you a hundred times, and tell you how much I would miss you. I was dying on the inside, but I would not let you know it. My angel, I love you so...

I stayed up with you the whole night. Around 6 am I let you lay alone in the hall. I let you go to the kitchen alone as well. I wanted to be by you more than anything, but more than that I wanted you to go on your own. I had never seen a cat euthanized before, and I didn't want to see it with you. Not you. Why you? Why my favorite one? I know some people see it as the last gift, but I have never had so much trouble with the loss of my cats before. Is this why? I saw it stung you. I am sorry. By 1:19pm on Sunday the 25th you were gone. This Sunday the 25th at 12:45 (when the lady arrived), will be too much to bare. I hate the weekend. I hate every single weekend.

I am a mess without you. Why can't I get better. Why have so many moved on? I love you so much. I keep seeing you that last two weeks of your life. I wish I knew. I really wish I knew you were leaving me Mouse. I know not all endings come wrapped in a pretty bow, but I wish we at least had that. I see you in those moments, and I just want to stop what I am doing (then) and go hug you. Thank God I never left you on the couch at night. I am a better-safe-than-sorry person, I always brought you to bed with me, just in case... Sometimes you would look so happy and cozy on the couch, I'd almost leave you, but than I'd think "what if?" For your whole life I brought you to bed, so I would never have to wake up to find you gone, and regret not bringing you to bed. I always hugged and pet you before we left the house, just in case I never returned or you were gone. I am always aware of making a good last memory. I always stop for one more hug, look, or petting. I should feel complete, I really should. So why don't I? I was beyond nice to you, and always with you. I should feel good about that. I don't have a lot of regrets in that department. I mostly just hate that I didn't get to treat you. I want to treat you, then lose the battle.

What else can I say. I am lost without you. I even have the gift of a great substitute for you, but I am still not happy. He really is so great. He is you. Same, same, but different. He has given me everything I miss about you back (except he sleeps at my side or feet, not my head). I am not void of your sound, your action, or your look, but he is not you. I miss my sweet little girl. You are still my favorite thing in this whole world. You have my heart. You have it forever.

I can deal with you being gone...I knew you couldn't live forever. I just can't get over the sudden ending thing, and your age. I guess 12 isn't as young as I thought, but I sure wish you were older.

9 months closer...I love you...I love you...I love you...
Your twin is meowing behind me...I better go. Oh, he finally jumped on the bed while I was making it. It had been 8 months...I missed it so. (New picture is your twin...he sits guarding the top of the stairs, just like you would).