If I Had Just One More Day With Mouses... Options

[I miss mouses]

If I had just one more day...
I'd wake up to you jumping onto the bed and landing on my head. You would keep meowing until I got up an sprinkled just a few new pebbles of food, and gave you new water (day old water was never OK for you). If I had just one more day with you...I would rent a bunch of movies, I'd stay in my pj's, and I'd stay with you in our bed. My movie buddy. My favorite place in the whole world-in bed with you! I'd laugh, I'd cry, I'd try to solve mysteries, or get lost in the drama...all while petting you. My lap cat, my buddy, my best friend in the whole world. I'd buy you some treats and some treats for myself. My legs would go numb, I'd have to pee so bad, but I would never alter your comfort and happiness. You would be purring so loud. The happiest loudest purr I have ever heard. I love you my girl. My brown tabby with the cutest face I've ever seen.
If I had just one more day...we would take a nap. I'd fall asleep while happily petting your soft shiny fur. Oh, how I love that tail...those feet. I would wake up to your cat breath that I miss so much. I would brush you-you loved that so much...wish I did it everyday. You always loved your chin and whiskers scratched. We'd hang out in all shades of sunlight, from sunrise to sunset. I'd play the feather game one more time behind the throw pillows on the bed and under the covers. I'd hold you in my arms in front of the mirror. I was always trying to burn the image of us together in my brain, so it would last forever. I'd give you your favorite wellness food, and give you back your favorite princess water dish. We would end the day in our favorite way...you and I both on our left sides with you curled up in my arm. I pet you and I scratch your chin. I bring your head up gently and kiss you on your forehead. I play with your tail in my fingers. I miss your tail so much mouses. I'd pound, pound, your happy tail, and squeeze together those cute little feet. I miss your feet and puffy paws so much. I'd pet you between your eyes in the furry spot above your nose, and you'd fall asleep. My neck would hurt as it always did, but I don't care-it's your comfort I care about (as any cat lover would know). After about an hour you've had enough, you go get your last meal, and drink, and go potty. Then you jump up to my back ( I have turned to my right side), I grab you and lay you down. You never stay on my right side, you go to leave, I I always pull you in for one more hug (I still remember our last one...thank God I hugged you just a little longer that night). I let you go to your pillow which rests above my head/pillow. I pet you, I hold your paw and we go to sleep. I love you I whisper. I love you forever my "soul kitty."

My mouses: May 11, 1996-Jan 25, 2009
Still in shock. Still can't accept this. Thought you'd live to 20. How did I not react faster. I love you so much...how did I not rush you to the ER??? Monday January 19th I carry you to the bed like a baby, you weirdly fall out of my arms. You look up at me like I dropped you. I didn't drop you. Was it a seizure? I'll never know. You don't get up I am afraid to move you. Finally you move. I put you on the bed, I check out your legs, arms, tummy, back, etc. You show no signs of discomfort. You go eat. Daddy says your fine. A cat can handle a small fall like that. I am in worry mode and start to watch you. Tuesday and Wednesday I see a change in you. Daddy says you look fine. I try to calm down. I know I worry to much when it comes to anything with you. It's happening...I notice your not eating, your not drinking. Why don't I call the vet on Wednesday. I love you so much, I can't believe I waited. Wednesday is preschool day for M. I wait until Thursday. I tell the vet about your fall, and how your not eating and drinking. She doesn't list you as an emergency. I trust her opinion. She makes you an appointment for Saturday. Saturday??? I hang up the phone you go to get off the bed and land on your right side again. You stagger like a drunk to your box. I was so freaked out I can't remember if you used it. You drink water. I feel better. I am trying so hard to not react around you. I call the vet. She only bumps you up to Friday. Why didn't I rush you to the ER? Why didn't I know we lived 5 min from the ER? If I could turn back time...I would have rushed you to the ER. I take you on Friday. You are still peeing and drinking a tiny bit now. My world ends. The vet finds a mass. I go in thinking it's your leg, your hip from the fall. At worst it is hind leg neuropathy. We start a new life with diabetes. Cancer. I never thought Cancer. You had been to the vets in May 08. You were healthy, no palpable masses. The panic sets in. Oh God this really was serious. Why didn't I rush you to the ER on Monday? Would it have changed anything? I try to calm down. Abdominal masses (confirmed by x-ray). One huge one near your pancreas and stomach. Scattered masses throughout your intestines. I have to save you. At the time 12 was young to me. You were so strong and healthy just days before. That is the Mouses I know. Healthy strong Mouses. Even using hindsight I don't see any signs of illness. You hid it so well. I am home all day. I would know if you were sick. How did I miss this? Nothing was different until the fall. Your routined. Your routines up until that Monday were unchanged. You were happy, eating, purring, and doing everything. How did it all change so fast. I was just watching a Movie with you on that Monday. You seemed fine. Now you have Cancer? I leave you at the vets. I have to save you. Exploratory surgery set for 2:00 the next day. Your dehydrated, your temp is low. They need to stabilize you before you can go to surgery.
You never make it to surgery. Saturday they find out your diabetic. They believe the Cancer has shut down your pancreas. I can put you to sleep. I just can't. You were just fine, I am so confused. I take you home. You look different. You look lost. Strange meowing, falling off the bed, you keep crouching low and meowing. Your in pain aren't you? I bring you to the ER to see what are options are. This vet is older an more experienced way less hopeful than your vet. You are 12, with diabetes and abdominal masses. Your temp is 10 degrees low. Your WBC is 56,000, your anemic (sp?), your bilirubin is elevated and so are your kidney levels. This is a lot to stabilize. Your respirations near 100. Labored breathing...how did we get here from Monday. All I want to do is save you. Diabetes alone takes at least 3 days to stabilize. The vet thinks you will die at their hospital. She gave you a less than 10% chance to make it to surgery. She said you probably wouldn't make it out of surgery. Abdominal masses are infiltrative. They would have to take out pieces of your pancreas and intestines. Forced feedings, bathroom issues, blood sugar issues while recovering from surgery. I want to save you. She tells me to think of you not me. I can't lose you. I can't. I take you home to spend one more night with you, but this night is far from my dream night. You are in pain, you have that sad meow, you stare of into the distance, you hide, you can't breathe. I am in shock. What happened to my Mouses. My sweet little girl. You were just purring above my head. Now you can't breathe. I have to let you go. We call a vet to come to the house. I need you to be comfortable and calm. We put you to sleep on our bed. The new year just started. Every year I wonder if you'll make it to the next Christmas. How are you gone? You were dead on our bed. You look so normal. Soft, shiny and beautiful. It is you. I always thought when you died you'd be old and raggedy. No longer grooming yourself. Thin, bathroom issues, etc. Blind, deaf...i don't know, but not like this. I don't even get to treat your illnesses. It is 3 months later, and I still want to take care of you with Cancer and diabetes. Every day I wonder. IF ONLY, IF ONLY, IF ONLY.... if only I brought you to the ER. Would you have made it to surgery. IF so what then? Would you still be here? You needed that surgery. I lost you your chance for surgery. I DID!!! I always prayed for a good ending. This ending is eating me alive. I love you Mouses. I am sorry. I can't believe I didn't even try to get you to drink water. What is wrong with me? We are moving into our new house. I can't believe you aren't moving with me. I pictured you in every house we looked at. I have to leave your home. I don't want to. I just want to go back to normal.

[chele]

Tears are streaming down my face. I wish I wrote as well as you, but I think you've pretty much captured the way I am feeling right now. I am so sorry for your loss.

[I miss mouses]

Tears are streaming down my face. I wish I wrote as well as you, but I think you've pretty much captured the way I am feeling right now. I am so sorry for your loss.

I read your story, you express yourself really well. I am sorry for the recent loss of your Callie. I lost mine to Cancer as well. My thoughts will be with you as go through this process, especially the first month. I know exactly how you feel right now. I promise the pain will lighten. What a nice long life you had with Callie. I am glad she picked you!

~Mouses mommy

[chele]

I read your story, you express yourself really well. I am sorry for the recent loss of your Callie. I lost mine to Cancer as well. My thoughts will be with you as go through this process, especially the first month. I know exactly how you feel right now. I promise the pain will lighten. What a nice long life you had with Callie. I am glad she picked you!

~Mouses mommy

Thank you so much, I'm so glad (and forever grateful) that she picked me too! I'm glad you were able to make any sense of our story, I was just writing from the heart. I know you DO know exactly how I feel right now. I'm so glad to have found this site, to share with people that know and understand the pain I'm feeling.

[I miss mouses]

Dear Mouses,

The smell of fall is in the air. For some reason I latched onto the last 4 months of your life. This would be starting in September. Well...it's September. I have been dreading the fall, which is sad, because you know how much I love the fall. The holidays are good markers for remembering your life, I think maybe that is why I kept thinking of those last four months. I love September through Christmas. I don't want to take this journey. Although it is a little ways away, your year marker is just right around the corner. I know how fast this time goes. Christmas will be here before I know it. Our first Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas in the new house, and I don't want to experience it without you. Target has back to school supplies out, next is Halloween. The last summer with you is somewhat of a blur, but I can vividly remember from Sept-Jan. I can remember what it was like shopping for Halloween costumes and decorations, while you sat upon the couch by the door awaiting my return. I always hated leaving you alone on Halloween. I can remember walking the blocks and thinking of you. We went around our soon-to-be new neighborhood, and I pictured you in our house on the next Halloween. I still can't believe this is all real. I am so much better than I ever thought I could be by September, but I still can't believe I am doing it, I am living without you. I keep picturing myself old, I know you will be just as familiar then as you are now. I love you my Mouses. I will never forget you. Somedays you get blurry, but then it always floods back in. This is one of those times. I feel you SO much. So much, that I'd swear you are around me. I still sleep with your pillow above mine. I will always hold that spot just for you. The new cat will not go there. I like to believe you are guarding your spot. I miss you above my head so much. I still can't believe I can fall asleep without you. I no longer lay on my left side. I only did that for you, but I do still lay my hand on your pillow too. Remember when I used to sleep holding your paw? I miss that so much. Remember when I would wake up to you staring down at me, or jumping on my head meowing loudly for a few new sprinkles of food. I miss your cat craziness. I always miss you messing up the bed. I could not make that bed without you jumping up on it. It drove me nuts, now it is what I miss the most. I wish so much you would just jump on that bed while I make it. Funny how that is. A constant reminder to love what drives me crazy. Those are the things we miss the most.

I miss you. I just wanted to say I miss you. I feel you in the air. I feel you in this house. You found me. You are the best cat. I can't believe how lucky I was to have you. To think I almost picked the gray one. I often wonder if he outlived you. It doesn't matter, I'd rather have one year with you then 20 with him. Sweetheart I'm so sorry you had to go. I know you miss me so much. You will always be a part of me. Always!! I don't want to rush life with the kids, but I secretly can't wait to see you. I wouldn't mind going after they really move on. I know they wouldn't want that. I know I would miss so much of their life, but I am anxious. I don't want to wait 50 years to see you. Can you come back to me when the kids are grown, and the new cat is gone? I wasn't done living with you yet. I really wasn't. I wasn't done helping you, I wasn't done worrying about you, I wasn't done knowing you, I wasn't done loving you, I wasn't done making up lost time to you, I wasn't done petting you, I wasn't done buying things for you, I wasn't done watching movies with you, I wasn't done going to bed with you, and waking up to you, I wasn't done hearing you....I wasn't done....I wasn't done. I can't believe your gone. Your 7 months gone. I love you Mouses. I love you, I love you, I love you!!!!! (Please don't be jealous of 30%....they say God doesn't give us more than we can handle (so hard to believe)...I think 30% (I really need to name this cat) was his way of helping me handle the great loss of you. I still can't believe he makes your exact same sound. So happy to hear that sound. I don't think I could have made it 50 years without that sound. I love seeing that fur around again...even if it's not yours.

P.S. By the way...Baby saw you again a few weeks ago. He said, "Look Mommy kitty" He got that huge baby smile he used to have for you. He chased you around the right side of the crib. He lost you at the dead ended corner that meets the wall. He looked under the crib, and looked at me and said, "Where did kitty go, Mommy?" Was it you? The new cat was in my room asleep under the bed. Please stay with us Mouses. It just isn't a home without you.

[I miss mouses]

Dear Mouses,

It is hard enough that you have to be gone...why do I have to have so many unsettled feelings about your ending. It just doesn't sit with me. Will it ever? You died at 12 of Cancer. Average indoor cat death is 14. Why can't I just leave it at that, and just miss you? I am doing it again. I am obsessing about medical stuff again. Your goodbye video has me so confused. I guess the part of me that loves you soooo much just can't fully see it. You had abdominal masses (plural), you had a very low temp, you had labored breathing, you had elevated liver and kidney values, elevated bilirubin, anemia, anorexia, depression, lethargy, tummy pain, nausea, high wbc, dehydration, diabetes, and hind leg weakness. I have to write it out over and over. It seems so obvious on paper. If I read it about another cat I would see it as a terminal situation. I look at you on that video...I see you have trouble breathing....I know you have masses inside you....I know your temp is low...but you haven't lost weight, you haven't stopped grooming, your fur is so shiny and beautiful, your so strong, your just Mouses. Cancer?? Why did you not lose weight? Why did you eat and drink until the very last week? Why did you just play with your toys with me? Why was everything so normal?

Someone on another website has me thinking of Pancreatitis. Something that wasn't brought up, and something I never thought of. A cat died of severe pancreatitis. It had chronic pancreatitis throughout its life. The list of the symptoms were your symptoms, so I've been researching pancreatitis, now I am all confused. I wish I could re-talk to your vet, but it has been so long. Did they mention it? After the word masses I barely heard a word. Pancreatitis symptoms include: elevated white blood cell count, low body temp, nausea, elevated kidney and liver values, abdominal pain, dehydration, and anemia. Severe cases have diabetes, and respiratory failure. X-rays often reveal abdominal masses. An abscess near pancreas (you had a mass there), and intestinal haziness (exactly what you had). It also has a history of vomiting. This is the part that gets me. You had bouts of vomiting your whole life. You had abdominal pain when you were 4. We've had you looked at so many times, by so many different vets. Your bloodwork and X-rays were always amazingly perfect. ALL of your vets said, "some cats are pukers." You inhaled your food, and most of your vomit was undigested food. They told us not to worry. We switched to hairball care food, and you improved. Did you have chronic pancreatitis this whole time?

What am I suppose to do with this information? I should of had the necropsy. I knew not knowing everything would drive me mad. Both vets without a biopsy, and not making it to the exploratory surgery both said Cancer. One vet thinks Lymphoma, the other thinks liver Cancer. After you died I gathered another opinion...Pancreatic cancer (location of mass and not being diabetic for very long).

I really didn't need to come across this. The problem...if Mouses hides Cancer very well, and crashes before we can treat her, I can almost stomach that. Somedays I think I am glad I didn't get a chance to put her through all of that...because I so would have. Her dying of severe Pancreatitis would be awful. Not taking her to the vet sooner for Cancer didn't make that much difference in Mouses outcome, but not taking Mouses in sooner if it was Pancreatitis causes it to turn severe. Chronic Pancreatitis if not diagnosed and treated through strict diet can lead to severe Pancreatitis. It needs to be treated before it becomes too severe to turn around (diabetes, respiratory failure, and abscess (mass)). What if this is what happened to her? Taking her home to die for late stage Cancer with labored breathing was one thing. What if we took her home to die when it was just a severe attack of Pancreatitis? 2 weeks of intensive care could have saved her life, and she wouldn't of had chemo ahead of her. She would have still needed the surgery for the mass (abscess). UGH!! I am not a vet...I pray I am just missing something that is obvious to them. They are so similar though.

Does anyone know how to help me understand if Mouses had Cancer or Pancreatitis? Any info would be greatly appreciated. Maybe she had both?