Feeling Guilty Options

[magdalene]

You would think the guilt would go away after three years, wouldn't you? But it hasn't, not really. Sometimes it's much stronger than others, though.

Here's what happened. The morning Eileen died, I was up early. We were having a yard sale at my partner's parents' house, and had to get over there to get set up. Eileen wanted to go outside so we let her out. Then we were ready to leave. She didn't want to come back in yet. I didn't want to leave her outside all day. I know we wouldn't be home until late, and though she loved to go outside, she didn't like to stay out for that long. But she didn't want to go back in and I was in a hurry. So I just left her out. If I had only taken a couple of minutes to get her back in the house.

We left the house around 7:00 in the morning. The neighbor found her dead in the road about 9:00. She had been hit by a car. We don't know who did it. We live on a little dead end street with about 7 houses on it. Not much traffic at all. It must have been one of our neighbors. We asked them all, later that night. They all denied knowing anything about it. Except for the neighbor who found her in the road. He moved her out of the middle of the road, so no one else would run over her, and so we would not come home and find her like that. I will forever be grateful to him for that.

Who knows what the neighbor thinks of me? We didn't get home until 7:00 or so that night. After the yard sale, we went out to dinner. I hate that, knowing now that we were out having a nice time, while Eileen was at home dead. I wonder how she could have been dead all day, and I didn't know. Shouldn't I have felt it somehow?

We got home and expected her to be waiting by the door, meowing at us to hurry up and let her in. But she wasn't there. We went in, then went back outside and started to look for her. I walked behind the house, calling for her. The neighbor came outside and my partner asked him if he had seen our cat. He asked, "The black one?" I said yes. He said, "I'm sorry, I've got some bad news for you." I started to shake. I knew then. He said, "Come on" and started walking across the road. I followed him. I felt like I couldn't breathe. He took me across the road and there was Eileen, lying in the tall weeds. Dead.

I started screaming. I was yelling "Oh no, oh no, oh no!" I fell down. I picked her up. Some other neighbors came outside but I wasn't paying any attention to them. My partner helped me up and we went into the house. I kept screaming. Our other cats were terrified. I felt bad for them later. Who knows what all the neighbors though?

The thing is, she should never have been outside that morning. I should have put her back in the house before we left. I thought she was safe outside before we have so little traffic on our road. And people don't usually drive very fast. There are lots of children and pets around. You have to be careful. I thought she should be safe. But...I also knew she wouldn't like being outside all day. So I should have taken the time to put her back in the house. And she would still be here.

Magdalene

[chele]

You have to let go of the guilt. No matter how it happened or why it happened or any of the should of's could of's would of's you can think of, you have to let it go. We don't know why things like this happen. A month or so ago a friend of mine was cleaning up around his property. His 18 y/o dog had been following him faithfully all day, like she always did. He got in the truck to park it where he always parks it, and checked to see where his dog was. She was by the shed so he proceeded to move the truck. He heard a little yelp, that was it. When he got out of the truck, she was dead. He had run her over. He's beat himself up about that, as any of us would. But the thing is, after all those years, why would she get in the way of the truck? Why would Maxie fall dead in the few minutes your back was turned? Why didn't Eileen want in? Quit asking yourselves what could you have done different, because even if you could go back, without hindsight you would most likely do things exactly the way you did them the first time.

Maybe, just maybe there is a reason they left the way they did. Maxie may not have wanted you to see him die. It's not unusual for animals to go off alone to die. Eileen wouldn't want you to feel guilty. She was a CAT and cats are experts at training people. You did exactly what she wanted you to do, just as she expected you to, just as she had trained you to do. She didn't know you'd be gone long, she only knew she wanted to stay out, and you let her - you let her do what she wanted to do. And my friend, he'll never know what caused his dog to fall under the truck at just the wrong moment. I think the answer is that we really aren't in control of anything and that sometimes things happen for reasons we'll never know. We shouldn't feel guilty for things we have no control over.