If I Had Just One More Day With Mouses... Options

[I miss mouses]

If I had just one more day...
I'd wake up to you jumping onto the bed and landing on my head. You would keep meowing until I got up an sprinkled just a few new pebbles of food, and gave you new water (day old water was never OK for you). If I had just one more day with you...I would rent a bunch of movies, I'd stay in my pj's, and I'd stay with you in our bed. My movie buddy. My favorite place in the whole world-in bed with you! I'd laugh, I'd cry, I'd try to solve mysteries, or get lost in the drama...all while petting you. My lap cat, my buddy, my best friend in the whole world. I'd buy you some treats and some treats for myself. My legs would go numb, I'd have to pee so bad, but I would never alter your comfort and happiness. You would be purring so loud. The happiest loudest purr I have ever heard. I love you my girl. My brown tabby with the cutest face I've ever seen.
If I had just one more day...we would take a nap. I'd fall asleep while happily petting your soft shiny fur. Oh, how I love that tail...those feet. I would wake up to your cat breath that I miss so much. I would brush you-you loved that so much...wish I did it everyday. You always loved your chin and whiskers scratched. We'd hang out in all shades of sunlight, from sunrise to sunset. I'd play the feather game one more time behind the throw pillows on the bed and under the covers. I'd hold you in my arms in front of the mirror. I was always trying to burn the image of us together in my brain, so it would last forever. I'd give you your favorite wellness food, and give you back your favorite princess water dish. We would end the day in our favorite way...you and I both on our left sides with you curled up in my arm. I pet you and I scratch your chin. I bring your head up gently and kiss you on your forehead. I play with your tail in my fingers. I miss your tail so much mouses. I'd pound, pound, your happy tail, and squeeze together those cute little feet. I miss your feet and puffy paws so much. I'd pet you between your eyes in the furry spot above your nose, and you'd fall asleep. My neck would hurt as it always did, but I don't care-it's your comfort I care about (as any cat lover would know). After about an hour you've had enough, you go get your last meal, and drink, and go potty. Then you jump up to my back ( I have turned to my right side), I grab you and lay you down. You never stay on my right side, you go to leave, I I always pull you in for one more hug (I still remember our last one...thank God I hugged you just a little longer that night). I let you go to your pillow which rests above my head/pillow. I pet you, I hold your paw and we go to sleep. I love you I whisper. I love you forever my "soul kitty."

My mouses: May 11, 1996-Jan 25, 2009
Still in shock. Still can't accept this. Thought you'd live to 20. How did I not react faster. I love you so much...how did I not rush you to the ER??? Monday January 19th I carry you to the bed like a baby, you weirdly fall out of my arms. You look up at me like I dropped you. I didn't drop you. Was it a seizure? I'll never know. You don't get up I am afraid to move you. Finally you move. I put you on the bed, I check out your legs, arms, tummy, back, etc. You show no signs of discomfort. You go eat. Daddy says your fine. A cat can handle a small fall like that. I am in worry mode and start to watch you. Tuesday and Wednesday I see a change in you. Daddy says you look fine. I try to calm down. I know I worry to much when it comes to anything with you. It's happening...I notice your not eating, your not drinking. Why don't I call the vet on Wednesday. I love you so much, I can't believe I waited. Wednesday is preschool day for M. I wait until Thursday. I tell the vet about your fall, and how your not eating and drinking. She doesn't list you as an emergency. I trust her opinion. She makes you an appointment for Saturday. Saturday??? I hang up the phone you go to get off the bed and land on your right side again. You stagger like a drunk to your box. I was so freaked out I can't remember if you used it. You drink water. I feel better. I am trying so hard to not react around you. I call the vet. She only bumps you up to Friday. Why didn't I rush you to the ER? Why didn't I know we lived 5 min from the ER? If I could turn back time...I would have rushed you to the ER. I take you on Friday. You are still peeing and drinking a tiny bit now. My world ends. The vet finds a mass. I go in thinking it's your leg, your hip from the fall. At worst it is hind leg neuropathy. We start a new life with diabetes. Cancer. I never thought Cancer. You had been to the vets in May 08. You were healthy, no palpable masses. The panic sets in. Oh God this really was serious. Why didn't I rush you to the ER on Monday? Would it have changed anything? I try to calm down. Abdominal masses (confirmed by x-ray). One huge one near your pancreas and stomach. Scattered masses throughout your intestines. I have to save you. At the time 12 was young to me. You were so strong and healthy just days before. That is the Mouses I know. Healthy strong Mouses. Even using hindsight I don't see any signs of illness. You hid it so well. I am home all day. I would know if you were sick. How did I miss this? Nothing was different until the fall. Your routined. Your routines up until that Monday were unchanged. You were happy, eating, purring, and doing everything. How did it all change so fast. I was just watching a Movie with you on that Monday. You seemed fine. Now you have Cancer? I leave you at the vets. I have to save you. Exploratory surgery set for 2:00 the next day. Your dehydrated, your temp is low. They need to stabilize you before you can go to surgery.
You never make it to surgery. Saturday they find out your diabetic. They believe the Cancer has shut down your pancreas. I can put you to sleep. I just can't. You were just fine, I am so confused. I take you home. You look different. You look lost. Strange meowing, falling off the bed, you keep crouching low and meowing. Your in pain aren't you? I bring you to the ER to see what are options are. This vet is older an more experienced way less hopeful than your vet. You are 12, with diabetes and abdominal masses. Your temp is 10 degrees low. Your WBC is 56,000, your anemic (sp?), your bilirubin is elevated and so are your kidney levels. This is a lot to stabilize. Your respirations near 100. Labored breathing...how did we get here from Monday. All I want to do is save you. Diabetes alone takes at least 3 days to stabilize. The vet thinks you will die at their hospital. She gave you a less than 10% chance to make it to surgery. She said you probably wouldn't make it out of surgery. Abdominal masses are infiltrative. They would have to take out pieces of your pancreas and intestines. Forced feedings, bathroom issues, blood sugar issues while recovering from surgery. I want to save you. She tells me to think of you not me. I can't lose you. I can't. I take you home to spend one more night with you, but this night is far from my dream night. You are in pain, you have that sad meow, you stare of into the distance, you hide, you can't breathe. I am in shock. What happened to my Mouses. My sweet little girl. You were just purring above my head. Now you can't breathe. I have to let you go. We call a vet to come to the house. I need you to be comfortable and calm. We put you to sleep on our bed. The new year just started. Every year I wonder if you'll make it to the next Christmas. How are you gone? You were dead on our bed. You look so normal. Soft, shiny and beautiful. It is you. I always thought when you died you'd be old and raggedy. No longer grooming yourself. Thin, bathroom issues, etc. Blind, deaf...i don't know, but not like this. I don't even get to treat your illnesses. It is 3 months later, and I still want to take care of you with Cancer and diabetes. Every day I wonder. IF ONLY, IF ONLY, IF ONLY.... if only I brought you to the ER. Would you have made it to surgery. IF so what then? Would you still be here? You needed that surgery. I lost you your chance for surgery. I DID!!! I always prayed for a good ending. This ending is eating me alive. I love you Mouses. I am sorry. I can't believe I didn't even try to get you to drink water. What is wrong with me? We are moving into our new house. I can't believe you aren't moving with me. I pictured you in every house we looked at. I have to leave your home. I don't want to. I just want to go back to normal.

[magdalene]

I know this is kind of an old post, but I wanted to say that I have read it several times, and it's beautiful, and it always makes me cry. I often think what I would do if I had just one more day with Eileen. And then I look at my cats I have with me now, and I think, what if this is the last day, and every moment is precious to me.

Magdalene

[I miss mouses]

8/19 7 months ago today would be the day you fell. Today would be the day I should have ran you to the Emergency vets. It was a Monday.
8/20 Will be the day 7 months ago I should've reacted more when I noticed you sniffing your food, but not eating it, hovering over your water, but not drinking it.
8/21 I will be thinking about how amazed I am that I can't remember this day well (7 months ago). I know I watched you. We said if you didn't eat on Wednesday either we would make you an appt. I wasn't home much that day. I was looking at houses, and bringing M to preschool. I was at home on the computer you were behind me...what did you look/act like? I can't remember. Why don't I remember? Why aren't I calling the vet? I think this is the last day you followed your routine. You meowed a lot, but you were always a talker, so I didn't think that much of it.
8/22 This will be a day I hate. 7 months ago it was a Thursday. You looked very different on Thursday. You reject all food, all water. You stay on the bed all day. You fall again. You have trouble walking. All day long I will be thinking about how I should have ran you to the Emergency vets. I called our regular vets. They calm me down. They don't think it is an emergency. They make an appt. for Sat. 1/24. I know there is something wrong with you now. I call back and get an earlier appt. I wish they would have sent us to the ER. 7 months ago this would be my last somewhat normal night with you. I am still trying to stay positive. I pet and hold you while watching TV. I pet you on the bed. We go to bed our usual way. I tell you to stay ushy gooshy warm and mushy, because it means your alive. I tell you I love you. I kiss your head. Your ear smells funny. I fall asleep.
8/23 I will be thinking about how this was a Friday in January. I will be thinking about how I nervously moved about the house, while I gave you your space. Today was the day you hid. Today was the day you didn't want anything to do with me. Today was the day your increased respirations start. Today was the day you went in space. My Mouses was already leaving me, and I still didn't know it. I thought anything could and would be fixed. I nervously clean the house. I wait for the appt. If I knew you were leaving me in 2 days I would have done the whole day differently, but I didn't. I really never would have thought it. It wasn't clear in January. Today was the day my world ended. Fridays will never be the same. EVER! You have masses in your tummy. Your temp is 10 degrees to low. You are depressed, not eating, not drinking, staring off into space, not responsive to my affection, have elevated kidney and liver values, are anemic, restless,severly dehydrated, and in pain. I was still hopeful. We opt for surgery. We leave you overnight to stabilize.
8/23 nighttime. I will be thinking about how 7 months ago this was my first night without you in 5 years. I kept picturing you in that cage...alone. I still didn't have a clue I would soon be going to bed without you forever.
8/24 We wait to hear about your surgery results. I wanted to call them, but I also didn't want to know. They call late...only to tell us you need to go to the Emergency vets for the weekend. They couldn't stabilize you for surgery, and earlier that morning they find out your diabetic. They now believe (without surgery) that the Cancer in now invading other organs (pancreas/diabetes). Your prognosis is grim. I still want to fight. We take you home. I need to see you at home one more time. I take some video and pictures. We go to the ER. We were going to leave you there for the weekend. Surgery was scheduled for Monday. The older more experienced vet bursts our bubble. She paints a completely different picture. She is more experienced with reading your x-ray. She saw things the younger vet could not. She saw things in your bloodwork combined with your x-ray that the younger vet could not. She didn't think you'd make it through the night. She said you were dying right now. You couldn't breathe. She said it would be at least 2 weeks before you could go to surgery. You would be away for 2-4 weeks. We would still have surgery/recovery/diabetes/chemo ahead of us. We take you home to die with us.
8/24 (7 months ago 1/24) nighttime. Worst night of my life. Happy to have you still here. So thankful you didn't die Friday night without me. I'll never forget what it was like to know I was looking at you for the last time. Alive, moving, meowing, breathing. Sadly, you were gone already. You kept hiding. You kept leaving me. You couldn't breathe, you kept falling down, and meowing in pain. I should have brought you back, but I just couldn't let you go yet. I hadn't absorbed all of that. I was just watching a movie with you on Monday. You seemed fine...just another day. After 7 months of going over everything a million times. I have decided this. I was so afraid you would die alone...I took you home. I lost you your chance to survive. Although I did have good reason....I will never forgive myself for not giving you a week. I owed you that. This thought will never change. I wish you died while we were trying. I didn't know at the time it would be my biggest source of pain. I just wanted you home. I wanted you to die on your bed on our pillow.
8/25 I will be numb this day. I have watched you re-die every sunday. I will watch you die again on this day. I will think of the day I lost my best friend and how my world forever changed. I will never be the same. I am not the same. You died at 1:19 pm. You were gone forever. Your body still on my bed. How was I going to just hand you over? I loved you so much. I wanted to keep you. How could I sit at home while you were in a freezer. My baby. The tail I loved. The face I loved. You were no longer in there, but that was the head I kissed, the body I pet, the fur I brushed, the feet I squeezed, the heart I listened to, the eyes I looked into, and the paws I loved. I still can't believe you are a pile of ashes. Everything I loved turned to dust. I place you on the bed everyday with your picture. It now takes up the spot where you layed every day of your life. I often wonder if it is in your way (incase you decide to visit) silly I know.
8/26 On this day I will feel exhausted I will have re-lived your death for the millionth time. I will think about were I am at now compared to then. Doing better, but still not great. Trying hard to move on, and be happy for you. Trying hard to enjoy my new buddy, and family. I miss you. I miss you so much. I hate our sudden ending. I hate that I never once got to hold you in my lap and pet you, and know you were leaving. I will always hate that I didn't have longer to walk around the house and know you soon wouldn't be in it. POOF!! You were gone. I feel like I didn't even say goodbye. You weren't there to talk to. Could you here me...where were you. I am sorry you felt so awful. I am sorry I didn't have the guts to let you go sooner, or risk you dying away from me.

I don't want to go through this week. I am exhausted. I have surrendered. I have cried my eyes out, puked my guts out, and screamed at the world. Nothing has brought you back. Nothing can bring you back. Our ending is our ending. The day I feared actually happened. I just never thought it would be so soon. I hate that your not here. I want you back more than anything. I watch the new kitty and think of you. He will never be you, but it is very nice to be reminded of you in a good way. I would love to see you both together. Please don't be jealous. You are such a jealous cat. I have him to help me feel like I have a piece of you back. He is the only thing holding me together. i love you Mouses you are the one. I wish you could have spent the rest of my life with me. Promise me we are together for all eternity...it is the only true thing that keeps me going. I love you, I love you, I love you -see you later Mouses.