It's Been A Week---so Sad Options

[tokolos]

It's been a week since Magnus died, and here I am, at work, looking at the clock constantly trying to remember what I was doing at this time last week. As I write this note, it's 11:28, and I remember that last week we were at the park with Magnus. He was doing poorly, but we wanted him to get some sun and fresh air one last time. We had a nice, relaxing time at the park. Stayed about an hour, then brought him back home to nap.

He died around 3:00, and I guess I'll be staring at the clock on my computer then, too. Or I'll be in the bathroom, crying, and trying to pull it together to make it through the rest of the day.

My emotions seem to have mood from crazy sobbing to sadness and a general feeling of sickness. I'm depressed and I feel sick from head to toe. I'm probably internalizing a lot of the stress of the past week, plus I know that I'm not sleeping or eating well.

We have some nice plans for the weekend coming up, but I must admit that I don't really care.

Attached image(s)

 

[lynette]

I know how you feel.

It's hard. It's like your world has stopped and the rest of the world just keeps on spinning around you. And you're sat there watching in in somekind of slow motion. It's weird. That emptiness and aching that you feel will slowly fade - or rather it won't crush you all day like it does right now. It's been just over a year since Lily left and four months since Hunny left. Sometimes I feel like I haven't cried enough for Hunny since she left, but then I think of all the tears that I cried before she had to go. She battled cancer since last summer so I'd been crying since then. I still miss them so much.

It's only been a week. That's not long at all. The pain is still so very fresh. The memories are still very vivid. I found myself angry and resentful at times at the beginning - especially when Lily died. She left so suddenly and I was so resentful of my work. I HAD to be at work the next day. Losing your babies sure puts life into perspective. So many times I put my job before my family. Never again! Family comes first from now on.

Sorry, I'm probably not helping at all. I'm feeling pretty blue today. And when I get like this it usually makes me feel angry (cos I'm at work).

Please take care. We will get through this - in time.

Lynette.

[tokolos]

Lynette:

No, I appreciate your reply. I suppose that I'm feeling rather angry too. Angry at the rest of the world for going on like Magnus was never here. Angry at my job for expecting me to perform like nothing happened. Angry at people who haven't taken the time to say they're sorry. Angry at the fact that I have to move on with my life when I don't really feel like right now. Angry at every stupid or minor thing that's happened over the last week because compared to what I'm dealing with, it's nothing.

I'm even angry at the fact that I had to make the decision to put him to sleep. He was struggling and hurting and it was the right thing to do, but I'm angry for having to make that decision. I'm glad that I was able to give him one last gift, but I'm angry because it wasn't what I wanted. I wanted him here, with me.

[patricia]

No, I appreciate your reply. I suppose that I'm feeling rather angry too. Angry at the rest of the world for going on like Magnus was never here. Angry at my job for expecting me to perform like nothing happened. Angry at people who haven't taken the time to say they're sorry. Angry at the fact that I have to move on with my life when I don't really feel like right now. Angry at every stupid or minor thing that's happened over the last week because compared to what I'm dealing with, it's nothing.

I'm even angry at the fact that I had to make the decision to put him to sleep. He was struggling and hurting and it was the right thing to do, but I'm angry for having to make that decision. I'm glad that I was able to give him one last gift, but I'm angry because it wasn't what I wanted. I wanted him here, with me.
[/quote]

i am so sorry for your loss. i understand so well what youre going thru. i too have had to make that horrible decision and i left feeling so much rage for having had to make that decision and so true. there are many people that just dont understand so they avoid you and dont say anything at all and if they do they say, its just a cat, or a dog or just get another one. i know this wont make you feel better right now but magnus WAS here and he made a difference to you and thats all that matters. you gave him a beautiful life. one that he probably wouldnt have had if he had gone elsewhere. hes only been gone for such a short time and you are allowed to grieve as long as you need to. you lost your best friend and family member. but know this: the decision you made to end magnus suffering was made out of your love for him. and that is the greatest gift you could have given him. yes i know that it sounds ridiculous and so cliche but its the truth. magnus was so blessed to have you in lis life that loved him that much. i too, hate that we have to make that decision. unfortunately its just something we must do. but hold on to the happy, wonderful memories that you have with your sweet magnus. this will get you thru.

you are in my thoughts and prayers. may you find peace.
please keep writing. it is very healing.
patricia

[tokolos]

Thank you so much, Patricia. I have found a lot of healing writing on this board and reading other people's posts. I hope that one day I'll have enough strength to reply like you and so many others have---with words of encouragement and comfort for what people like me are just newly going through.

I found this poem the other day, and I am trying to commit a part of it to memory to help me realize how important my decision for Magnus was. The part I really love is:

"Cut the leash that holds me here, dear friend
and let me run
a strong and steady dog once more
my pain and struggle done"

He loved to run, and I realize that now he can run, up in Dog Heaven, around it's clear blue lakes filled with geese, as much as he wants. That's something he hadn't been able to do in so long.

I love you, Magnus!