It's Been A Week---so Sad Options

[tokolos]

It's been a week since Magnus died, and here I am, at work, looking at the clock constantly trying to remember what I was doing at this time last week. As I write this note, it's 11:28, and I remember that last week we were at the park with Magnus. He was doing poorly, but we wanted him to get some sun and fresh air one last time. We had a nice, relaxing time at the park. Stayed about an hour, then brought him back home to nap.

He died around 3:00, and I guess I'll be staring at the clock on my computer then, too. Or I'll be in the bathroom, crying, and trying to pull it together to make it through the rest of the day.

My emotions seem to have mood from crazy sobbing to sadness and a general feeling of sickness. I'm depressed and I feel sick from head to toe. I'm probably internalizing a lot of the stress of the past week, plus I know that I'm not sleeping or eating well.

We have some nice plans for the weekend coming up, but I must admit that I don't really care.

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[lynette]

I know how you feel.

It's hard. It's like your world has stopped and the rest of the world just keeps on spinning around you. And you're sat there watching in in somekind of slow motion. It's weird. That emptiness and aching that you feel will slowly fade - or rather it won't crush you all day like it does right now. It's been just over a year since Lily left and four months since Hunny left. Sometimes I feel like I haven't cried enough for Hunny since she left, but then I think of all the tears that I cried before she had to go. She battled cancer since last summer so I'd been crying since then. I still miss them so much.

It's only been a week. That's not long at all. The pain is still so very fresh. The memories are still very vivid. I found myself angry and resentful at times at the beginning - especially when Lily died. She left so suddenly and I was so resentful of my work. I HAD to be at work the next day. Losing your babies sure puts life into perspective. So many times I put my job before my family. Never again! Family comes first from now on.

Sorry, I'm probably not helping at all. I'm feeling pretty blue today. And when I get like this it usually makes me feel angry (cos I'm at work).

Please take care. We will get through this - in time.

Lynette.

[tokolos]

Lynette:

No, I appreciate your reply. I suppose that I'm feeling rather angry too. Angry at the rest of the world for going on like Magnus was never here. Angry at my job for expecting me to perform like nothing happened. Angry at people who haven't taken the time to say they're sorry. Angry at the fact that I have to move on with my life when I don't really feel like right now. Angry at every stupid or minor thing that's happened over the last week because compared to what I'm dealing with, it's nothing.

I'm even angry at the fact that I had to make the decision to put him to sleep. He was struggling and hurting and it was the right thing to do, but I'm angry for having to make that decision. I'm glad that I was able to give him one last gift, but I'm angry because it wasn't what I wanted. I wanted him here, with me.

[trevor]

Lynette:

No, I appreciate your reply. I suppose that I'm feeling rather angry too. Angry at the rest of the world for going on like Magnus was never here. Angry at my job for expecting me to perform like nothing happened. Angry at people who haven't taken the time to say they're sorry. Angry at the fact that I have to move on with my life when I don't really feel like right now. Angry at every stupid or minor thing that's happened over the last week because compared to what I'm dealing with, it's nothing.

I'm even angry at the fact that I had to make the decision to put him to sleep. He was struggling and hurting and it was the right thing to do, but I'm angry for having to make that decision. I'm glad that I was able to give him one last gift, but I'm angry because it wasn't what I wanted. I wanted him here, with me.

So sorry about Magnus----and you said it perfectly in that first paragraph. It is just so frustrating that most of the people around you don't understand what you are going through. Aside from a very few people most people around me can't seem to comprehend the pain and loss I am going through. I wish everyone I knew had a pet and loved them as much as you and I did therefore everybody you came in contact with would understand what you're dealing with. The sad reality though is they just don't understand. But those people are also missing out on all those great years we had with our pet...the unconditional love, the loyalty and just the pure joy they bring into your life....its their loss I guess. Again, I'm sorry about your loss but try to hang in there.