It's Our Fault, Guilt Options

[Soverysad]

I am feeling so guilty over the death 2 days ago of our 11 year old black pug, Clancy. I'm not even certain I belong here because I feel like a terrible pet owner--just an awful person. It all started Tuesday when our house was just crazy with activity. We had a small house fire a few weeks back & the insurance adjuster was here. We also had someone here helping to clean up the remaining soot leftover from the fire. My husband was working from home--a demanding job that keeps him on call 24/7. My 4 kids were being their usual selves, wanting attention. My husband & I were on the phone ordering a new oven (casualty of the fire) and finalizing vacation plans. None of it should have removed our focus from caring for our dog, but stupidly it did. I had asked my husband to put Clancy in the yard, the yard she loved to run & play in, just until things calmed down a bit. When he went to bring her inside, she had collapsed. My heart sank & I immediately put her in our bathtub, trying to revive her. She seemed stable enough to make the trip to her vet. They worked on her to stabilize her further & sent us to a larger animal hospital. She was critical and we prayed so very hard that she would recover. How could we have let this happen? Why was our poor dog suffering for our stupidity?
The following morning, the vet told me that although she was still critical, she had not gotten worse, which was a promising sign. We no sooner hung up when the vet called my husband to say Clancy had stopped breathing & they were doing CPR. After 15 minutes, they were still unable to revive her.
I am so sick over this that I can barely get out of bed. How could we have hurt our sweet dog like this? Clancy, I am so, so sorry! I don't think I can ever forgive myself. I am the mommy. It's my job to care for everyone. She needed us & we let her down.
It's ok if I get hurtful responses---I deserve it. I would do anything to turn back the clock. I know I will never be the same. My heart is broken & it's my own fault.

[lynette]

It's not your fault. And I know nothing that I say or anyone else will say will make you feel better right now. Your pain is just too great.

Unfortunately stuff like this happens. I lost Lily last summer. I think she choked on a bone. She'd eaten how many bones before? My husband thinks maybe she swallowed a bee, but I don't know. All I know is we tried to save her but we couldn't. She was only eight. I even kicked her in the diaphragm hoping it would dislodge whatever was there. I know, that makes me such an awful person. I hate myself more than anything. But what my husband was doing wasn't working. I carry with me the pain of knowing that I did this to her. And I will always remember the life fading from her eyes. I've only seen her once in a dream, so I put it down to her being mad at me. And I don't blame her one bit. I miss her so much. It's been over a year since I held and kissed her.

She's with Hunny now. We had to send Hunny to her April 4th. She was diagnosed with cancer just a few short days after Lily died.

I know the pain you're feeling. It hurts so much. But I know in my heart that Lily, and Hunny, knew how much I loved them. I just hope some day that they will forgive me. I didn't want them to go, but I had no choice - or maybe I did - I don't know.

In time, this pain will lessen. And you'll start to remember the better times. Clancy loved you and she knew how much you loved her.

Please ease on the self-blaming game. It doesn't help. It doesn't bring her back. I know - I've been there.

Let the guilt go. I know it's hard, but that's the only thing you can do. This is a great site.

Thinking of you.

Lynette.