I Am So Very Sad Options

[Jules02]

My story is long so please bare with me. I rescued my dog, Roman from the highway in May of 2004. He had ticks and fleas all over him. I found him in my home town visiting my mother. I took him to the police station and they said more than likey the animal control would put him to sleep. He became my dog that day!! I brought him to OKC where I live and took him to the vet to get him cleaned up and looked at. He had 2 tick blood diseases from being out on his own for so long. There were ticks all over him even between his toes. They gave antibiotics and we got started on heart worm prevention. They guessed he was 2 years old by looking at his teeth. They also determined he was half black lab and half ##er spaniel. He is sooooo cute. He weighed only 30 pounds when I found him and before he passed he was at least 55 pounds where he should be. I brought him home and he became the best dog, best friend anyone could ask for. I was coming out of a terrible relationship and felt broken. I feel like Roman and I were both broken and we put each other back together again. He was my shadow. I believe when you rescue a dog they know how lucky they are to have a home. He was so loyal and loving. Never once did he have an accident in the house. He only growled and barked when someone was around the house. Protecting me like only Roman could. (I named him Roman because he was roaming around when I found him....lol!) I got married in Nov 2005 to a wonderful man that Roman became to love just as much as I did. We discussed starting a family even tho Roman was our son and we treated him like he was. I became pregnant in late March of 2008. I found out I was excpecting twins. We were overjoyed and hoped Roman would love them as much as we would when they came. I ended up having some complications in my pregnancy and had to be on bed rest for 4 months before I delivered in Nov 08. Roman was at my side day and night. He slept with my husband and I anyway but, when I went on bedrest he would not leave my side except to go do his business outside. I know he knew I was pregnant! Fast forward to the babies coming home. I had a boy and a girl. My son had colic for the first 2 months and cried all the time. It drove us all crazy and I think it really made Roman nuts. He still cries but not as much as before. Roman has been fine and in good health I thought. We started our daily walks back up last week. He was fine. He did not show any sign of being sick. I woke up at 7am on 2/11 and Roman as usual was on our bed. I got up and went to the babies room and came back into the hall and saw Roman's legs buckle under neath him and he collapsed. He was dead instantly. I still have NO idea what happened. I was screaming my head off and begging God to not take him. I called my vet and they said it was more than likely a heart attack or a brain aneurysm. They asked if I wanted an autopsy and I said no. I did not want him cut open. I pulled myself together enough to find a pet cementary and that is where he is. We got a beautiful casket. I cannot understand WHY this happened. He was fine. The only thing I can think of is the night before we had some terrible weather and tornadoes. He hated storms and always hid and shook all over. I feel so much guilt that I could not comfort him like I wanted to. I have 2 babies to take care of and Roman always seemed to be third. I feel sooooo guilty right now. I now he hated the babies crying. He was my first child and he was spoiled. I know he was sad that he was not first anymore. It makes no sense to me that this has happened. Why so soon after the babies came home. I was so looking forward to them growing up with him. He was my world. I have become so depressed that my mom has taken off work to come here to help me with the babies. I do not feel like doing anything. I see and think I hear Roman all over the house. I am still in shock and I have been wearing his collar around my wrist. I cannot quit crying. I have read alot of the posts on this board and they have been so comforting. I hope I can come here and feel some sort of peace and comfort from all of you and try to put my life back together again. I just started a new normal with the babies and now I have to find another new normal without my Roman. It is too much too soon. I feel so overwhelmed. I miss my Roman dearly and just want him to come back home. Thank you for listening to my story.

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[LoveThem]

It has been 6 months to the day I lost Roman. I still miss him everyday. Life goes on of course no matter how you feel. I wish I could say it has been easier but, it hasn't. I constantly wish the babies could have met Roman. He was my first son. Roman taught me how to be a mom. My heart still aches for him so much. I love and miss you Roman and think of you everyday!!

We have been together since you first came here and you know I am thinking of you often.
All you said above is so very normal and yes, it doesn't seem easier until more time has passed. Six months is not very long. All those feelings will never go away...aching..loving..missing..because Roman is that much a part of you.

When you feel down and miss him so terribly.....try to think of some happy times together and feel in your heart how much it means to you to have had him as part of your life.
I find doing that helps the ache. I am so sorry it was his time. I wish, too, your babies could have known him. I can never understand why they have to go when they do.

It is still early in your grieving so all your feelings are very normal...it is normal to still feel that hurt almost as much as when it happened. Time will help so you don't feel overwhelmed but there will always be times when he comes into your mind and you remember something and it is okay to allow yourself to cry and grieve again...no matter how much time has passed. He is your boy and always will be. What you and he shared, nothing can ever take away.

The only comfort I can offer you is just a BIG HUG! I can easily share hugs and tears with you, cause I think of my boy often also.

Take Care, Julie

Judy