Please Help Me....our Baby Died Yesterday & I Think We Killed Her, I don't know how to deal with this Options

[britneysmom]

Oh my. Help. I can barely type this through my tears.

**Warning: This post has the terrible details of my Britney's death, so if you're already sad about your own loss, you may not want to read it. It might, however, make you feel better because I believe my husband and I are responsible for her death, whereas the majority of people here probably aren't responsible for their pets' deaths.**

Our sweet and obliging 8-yr-old greyhound, Britney Boopers, died yesterday after a 1 hour walk. We're pretty sure she had heat stroke because we measured her body temp at over 106 after she died. We spoke to our vet on the phone, and he thought it was either heat stroke or a heart attack, or both because of how sudden it was.

We went for a walk we had done many times before around a pond in our area. She seemed fine....nothing at all out of the ordinary....just heavy panting which she has always done on longer walks, even in cool weather. But there were no other signs of heat stroke like dizziness, lying down, vomiting, diarrhea, etc. It was 85 degrees with a warmish and sometimes cool breeze, so we weren't concerned about the heat especially since we had gone out and done the same walk in the past in hotter weather and at the same slow pace. It wasn't humid. We took several breaks in the shade and a long water break where we poured water on her back and stomach to make sure she was cool. She seemed totally fine, even running ahead of us to the end of her leash.

So, what happened? About 50 meters from the end of our walk, her right hind leg looked wobbly. We stopped and checked for thorns. Nothing. After I put her paw down, she just collapsed on the grass and wouldn't get up. When she finally did stand after much coaxing, she was wobbly. My husband picked her up and we ran to the truck, cranked up the A/C and doused her with water. We didn't know what was happening, thinking she had a heart attack or stroke.

My husband drove as fast as he could to get us home. Of course, we didn't have our cell phones. STUPID! Not that that would have helped because it would have taken the vet another 30 minutes to come in anyway, and she would have been long gone. But still, it was a stupid move on our part to not have our cell phones. So, I sat with her in the back of the truck trying to comfort her and pouring water on her body. But, she just lay there. Her breathing got slower and more labored and her tongue turned purple. We stopped at the fire station across from our house, thinking they could help, but the doors were all locked and noone heard us banging and screaming.

My husband (a physician) put her on the grass by the fire station entry and performed mouth-to-mouth on her, but it was too late. He felt her heart go into tachycardia and then she died. He kept doing mouth-to-mouth and chest compressions to no avail. Finally, a fireman did come out and he went back in to get an air pumper thing. A few minutes of that did nothing, though. Britney was dead.

I pray for God to forgive us for killing her. I hope she forgives her stupid humans for killing her. Oh help!

I feel so guilty and stupid. At the same time, I know we couldn't have saved her because her symptoms came on just before she died. She looked and acted so normal!!!! What could we have done???? We should never have gone on that walk!!!!!!! Maybe we could have saved her if we had dunked her in the pond. But that didn't occur to us then b/c we thought she had a stroke.

I keep calling out her name. I found a few paw prints in the carpet and places where she scratched and am trying to preserve them. I can't stop smelling her blanket. I keep apologizing to her dead body for our ignorance. I wish we could rewind the day and that we had never taken that one last walk.

I'm a mess. I keep playing this game of blame, no blame, turn back the clock, get on with it she's gone, she's in heaven, where is she, why is it so quiet, why did we go on that walk, what an ignorant and stupid dog owner you were, how could you have known. I need your help! How do I deal with this?

[lynette]

Hi again.

I don't know that I have made it through. When Lily died I cried all the time. It took a very long time to accept her death. I would cry all the way to work and back every day. But at the same time I had to deal with Hunny's cancer. There was two months of cleaning and bandaging her foot every single day - at least once a day. And last year was so wet here. Poor Hunny - she absolutely hated having to wear the bandages and the plastic bag to keep it dry. And she especially hated the collar. Hunny didn't have much time to grieve for her sister either because we decided that we couldn't lose Hunny either. She fought such a courageous battle. She seemed to be doing well for a few months and then we noticed the tumour growing again at Christmas time. I cried so many tears when we found out Hunny had cancer. I have no regrets with Hunny. And the thought of knowing that we would more than likely have to put her to sleep haunted me daily. I would play over and over in my mind what would happen. I've never had to go through this before so I didn't know how it "worked". I felt guilty for "planning" her final moments, but I just couldn't help myself. The day that we had to make the call, I cried non-stop all day. That's when I found this website. But I woke up on the actual day with a sense of calm or acceptance - I don't know what it was. I took Hunny for a walk that morning. I let her lead the way and we walked slowly. We got to the end of the road and she just stood there for a few minutes. Walking had become difficult for her because of her foot, she tried, but could never go too far. I remember thinking that she looked just so weary standing there. I think she was ready to meet Lily. I think she was only holding on for us and our other dogs.

I think it was just before Christmas sometime that I think I finally let Lily "go". It just popped into my head one day that "what if Lily was caught between worlds because she couldn't leave us yet, because I couldn't let her go?" I couldn't bear the thought that she could be trapped somewhere and not be happy. That's when I "let" her go. This might sound crazy, but I told her to fly to heaven, if she hadn't already. To be happy and healthy and to be with all of the other pets that I have lost over the years. She knew Bruno and Pooch would be waiting for her. I told her that we would be okay and that Hunny would be there soon. It wasn't until I did this that I was able to move on. I still cry for Lily - I am now. Writing this makes that emptiness in my heart seem even emptier. And I wish so much that I could see them again. I imagine that they are walking along the ditches and across the fields together - side by side - like they always did here on earth. I hope that they are happy together. And that both are healthy again.

A few days after Hunny left, I was walking our other dogs with my daughter when I said to her - "look, there's Hunny and Lily. Do you see them walking up ahead?" She looked for a few seconds, with a serious look on her face, then said no. That was a sad moment, for her not to see them. But I saw them (in my mind's eye I know). It was actually a very peaceful feeling to see that. Knowing that they are both together again. And happy and healthy.

I guess time is the answer. It just takes time. Time doesn't stop for anyone unfortunately. And I miss both of them so much that it still hurts. But there is nothing I can do and I am just grateful that I have other furbabies to love. I can talk about Hunny and Lily sometimes without crying - sometimes. I know there will come a time when the memories will all be good ones. But for now, all I can do - or any of us - is to just take it one day at a time.

I know I'm rambling again. But it is getting easier. It's not often that I cry all the way to and from work anymore, just for a few minutes at a time now. Anyway, I hope that you can find some peace soon. After the guilt comes the longing and the aching for them. That one lasts a very long time or at least it has for me. I still have that feeling. Sometimes, out of the blue it's just like a wave washes over you and you have such an empty longing for them. That's the saddest and the hardest part I think. Cos you know they can never come back. Sorry for telling you this, but this part I think hurts the most.

Anyway, I better go. Thanks for listening.

Hope to talk to you again soon.