Please Help Me....our Baby Died Yesterday & I Think We Killed Her, I don't know how to deal with this Options

[britneysmom]

Oh my. Help. I can barely type this through my tears.

**Warning: This post has the terrible details of my Britney's death, so if you're already sad about your own loss, you may not want to read it. It might, however, make you feel better because I believe my husband and I are responsible for her death, whereas the majority of people here probably aren't responsible for their pets' deaths.**

Our sweet and obliging 8-yr-old greyhound, Britney Boopers, died yesterday after a 1 hour walk. We're pretty sure she had heat stroke because we measured her body temp at over 106 after she died. We spoke to our vet on the phone, and he thought it was either heat stroke or a heart attack, or both because of how sudden it was.

We went for a walk we had done many times before around a pond in our area. She seemed fine....nothing at all out of the ordinary....just heavy panting which she has always done on longer walks, even in cool weather. But there were no other signs of heat stroke like dizziness, lying down, vomiting, diarrhea, etc. It was 85 degrees with a warmish and sometimes cool breeze, so we weren't concerned about the heat especially since we had gone out and done the same walk in the past in hotter weather and at the same slow pace. It wasn't humid. We took several breaks in the shade and a long water break where we poured water on her back and stomach to make sure she was cool. She seemed totally fine, even running ahead of us to the end of her leash.

So, what happened? About 50 meters from the end of our walk, her right hind leg looked wobbly. We stopped and checked for thorns. Nothing. After I put her paw down, she just collapsed on the grass and wouldn't get up. When she finally did stand after much coaxing, she was wobbly. My husband picked her up and we ran to the truck, cranked up the A/C and doused her with water. We didn't know what was happening, thinking she had a heart attack or stroke.

My husband drove as fast as he could to get us home. Of course, we didn't have our cell phones. STUPID! Not that that would have helped because it would have taken the vet another 30 minutes to come in anyway, and she would have been long gone. But still, it was a stupid move on our part to not have our cell phones. So, I sat with her in the back of the truck trying to comfort her and pouring water on her body. But, she just lay there. Her breathing got slower and more labored and her tongue turned purple. We stopped at the fire station across from our house, thinking they could help, but the doors were all locked and noone heard us banging and screaming.

My husband (a physician) put her on the grass by the fire station entry and performed mouth-to-mouth on her, but it was too late. He felt her heart go into tachycardia and then she died. He kept doing mouth-to-mouth and chest compressions to no avail. Finally, a fireman did come out and he went back in to get an air pumper thing. A few minutes of that did nothing, though. Britney was dead.

I pray for God to forgive us for killing her. I hope she forgives her stupid humans for killing her. Oh help!

I feel so guilty and stupid. At the same time, I know we couldn't have saved her because her symptoms came on just before she died. She looked and acted so normal!!!! What could we have done???? We should never have gone on that walk!!!!!!! Maybe we could have saved her if we had dunked her in the pond. But that didn't occur to us then b/c we thought she had a stroke.

I keep calling out her name. I found a few paw prints in the carpet and places where she scratched and am trying to preserve them. I can't stop smelling her blanket. I keep apologizing to her dead body for our ignorance. I wish we could rewind the day and that we had never taken that one last walk.

I'm a mess. I keep playing this game of blame, no blame, turn back the clock, get on with it she's gone, she's in heaven, where is she, why is it so quiet, why did we go on that walk, what an ignorant and stupid dog owner you were, how could you have known. I need your help! How do I deal with this?

[britneysmom]

I have to head out for a few hours, but was just reading something on guilt. It appears that I am suffering from "imagined guilt" according to this blog I found at: http://theadventurouswriter.com/blog/quips...our-pets-death/

I am going to keep reminding myself that this guilt and questioning that keeps creeping back in is a destructive force on my path to healing that I need to bash out of the way. I know I was a good doggie mom. We took excellent care of her and gave her all of our love and affection, were always gentle with her, and tried to enrich her life experience with fun and new activities.

I'm pasting the article here so I can read it along with everyone else's input. Maybe it will help someone else too.

I just have to say --- I must have a very strong imagination. Plus a strong need to be in control (but my husband already knew that!) ;-) Just trying to perk myself up here.

I'm also arrogant, as nearly all humans are (especially us Americans), thinking we can control everything that happens. We can control a lot of things, but not everything.

Okay, now if only I could keep this fleeting feeling of strength and clarity with me all day!


Here it is:
4 Ways to Cope With the Guilt of Your Pet’s Death

1. Remember that it’s normal to feel guilty. Whether your guilt is real or imagined, know that it is a normal grief reaction. Even the most “innocent” of pet owners feel guilty about the death of their dog or cat. I cringe when I recall how angry I was at my beloved cat, Zoey, for scratching the basement door (I didn’t realize the door to her litter box was shut tight, and she couldn’t get in). That was over 12 years ago, and I still feel guilty! Some pet owners feel guilty about their cat or dog’s death - or how they treated the pet while alive.

2. Identify “real” guilt. Real guilt may spring from your feelings that you neglected your dog or cat’s annual vaccinations, daily food intake, exercise habits, and “quality time” with you. If you’re struggling with real guilt, remember that you had reasons for doing what you did. The stress of money, work, kids, marriage, and daily life may have taken precedence over how you treated your pet. Maybe you didn’t make the best choices. Dealing with the guilt of your pet’s death involves accepting that you wish you would’ve done things differently - and talking this through with your family, friends, or loved ones.

3. Remember what you did right. Your dog or cat loved you beyond all reason - so you must have done something right! How did you love and take care of your pet? Balance your real guilt with the real ways you loved your pet. You took good care of your dog or cat in many ways; don’t wave that away. Coping with pet loss isn’t just about mourning; it’s about cherishing the best parts of your life with your dog or cat.

4. Identify “imagined” guilt. Not recognizing that your Yorkie, ##apoo, or Siamese cat was ill doesn’t mean that you weren’t paying attention or taking good care of her! This is imagined guilt. Animals can’t always communicate their physical health; we can’t see inside their bodies and brains. If you’re dealing with imagined guilt because of your animal’s death, remember that sometimes illness or disease overcomes our dogs, cats, and other beloved pets…and there’s nothing we can do. This loss of control is a very painful part of life; unfortunately, it permeates everything we experience.