Please Help Me....our Baby Died Yesterday & I Think We Killed Her, I don't know how to deal with this Options

[britneysmom]

Oh my. Help. I can barely type this through my tears.

**Warning: This post has the terrible details of my Britney's death, so if you're already sad about your own loss, you may not want to read it. It might, however, make you feel better because I believe my husband and I are responsible for her death, whereas the majority of people here probably aren't responsible for their pets' deaths.**

Our sweet and obliging 8-yr-old greyhound, Britney Boopers, died yesterday after a 1 hour walk. We're pretty sure she had heat stroke because we measured her body temp at over 106 after she died. We spoke to our vet on the phone, and he thought it was either heat stroke or a heart attack, or both because of how sudden it was.

We went for a walk we had done many times before around a pond in our area. She seemed fine....nothing at all out of the ordinary....just heavy panting which she has always done on longer walks, even in cool weather. But there were no other signs of heat stroke like dizziness, lying down, vomiting, diarrhea, etc. It was 85 degrees with a warmish and sometimes cool breeze, so we weren't concerned about the heat especially since we had gone out and done the same walk in the past in hotter weather and at the same slow pace. It wasn't humid. We took several breaks in the shade and a long water break where we poured water on her back and stomach to make sure she was cool. She seemed totally fine, even running ahead of us to the end of her leash.

So, what happened? About 50 meters from the end of our walk, her right hind leg looked wobbly. We stopped and checked for thorns. Nothing. After I put her paw down, she just collapsed on the grass and wouldn't get up. When she finally did stand after much coaxing, she was wobbly. My husband picked her up and we ran to the truck, cranked up the A/C and doused her with water. We didn't know what was happening, thinking she had a heart attack or stroke.

My husband drove as fast as he could to get us home. Of course, we didn't have our cell phones. STUPID! Not that that would have helped because it would have taken the vet another 30 minutes to come in anyway, and she would have been long gone. But still, it was a stupid move on our part to not have our cell phones. So, I sat with her in the back of the truck trying to comfort her and pouring water on her body. But, she just lay there. Her breathing got slower and more labored and her tongue turned purple. We stopped at the fire station across from our house, thinking they could help, but the doors were all locked and noone heard us banging and screaming.

My husband (a physician) put her on the grass by the fire station entry and performed mouth-to-mouth on her, but it was too late. He felt her heart go into tachycardia and then she died. He kept doing mouth-to-mouth and chest compressions to no avail. Finally, a fireman did come out and he went back in to get an air pumper thing. A few minutes of that did nothing, though. Britney was dead.

I pray for God to forgive us for killing her. I hope she forgives her stupid humans for killing her. Oh help!

I feel so guilty and stupid. At the same time, I know we couldn't have saved her because her symptoms came on just before she died. She looked and acted so normal!!!! What could we have done???? We should never have gone on that walk!!!!!!! Maybe we could have saved her if we had dunked her in the pond. But that didn't occur to us then b/c we thought she had a stroke.

I keep calling out her name. I found a few paw prints in the carpet and places where she scratched and am trying to preserve them. I can't stop smelling her blanket. I keep apologizing to her dead body for our ignorance. I wish we could rewind the day and that we had never taken that one last walk.

I'm a mess. I keep playing this game of blame, no blame, turn back the clock, get on with it she's gone, she's in heaven, where is she, why is it so quiet, why did we go on that walk, what an ignorant and stupid dog owner you were, how could you have known. I need your help! How do I deal with this?

[patricia]

you take it minute by minute. take a slow deep breathe. you will get thru this.
you are going thru the normal grieving process that we all do; the whatifs, the guilt, the sadness, the pain all rolled up into one. im so very sorry for the loss of your wonderful britney. be kind to yourselves. this was not your fault. these tragic events unfortunately, happen. your husbands a physician, he can tell you the same thing. i think it hits us harder because our wonderful furry companions cannot tell us when they dont feel well. you dont need forgiveness from our heavenly father. you both gave britney a wonderful life. you know, its so much easier to blame ourselves than to realize that maybe it was britneys time to go. please be good to yourself. i like to believe that britney is now sitting next to her maker and she is looking down at both of you while our god has her arm around her, welcoming her back home.
she is your new angel and doesnt want you to beat yourself up for something that was out of your control. hold on to her blanket. i know i held on to my little freds toys after he left. i still have them as i built a little memorial for him. maybe you can do the same. although it doesnt take the pain away it does help a little. the thing that helped me the most was coming here and writing. the grief was unbearable and all i could do was write about it and some amazing people lifted me up. its still very hard! i have good days and i have horrible days but i could only get to where i am now with the help of everyone here. you are not alone.
you are in my thoughts and prayers.
patricia